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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for thinking MIL has priorities wrong with her grandson ?

235 replies

blueyavocado · 21/05/2024 14:17

I'm not keen on MIL baby sitting our 12 wk old son , but it's awkward as it's my partners mum and he wants her to play a role.

Me and MIL clearly have different parenting approaches , I respond to my baby sons cries or signals immediately and stop what I'm doing to attend to his needs. Whereas she said she would leave her boys to cry until she had finished what she had done.

Last week I had an appointment and she offered to watch baby for 30 mins. Before I left I encouraged her to sit on the sofa with snacks and have a good cuddle. When I got back 30 mins later he was in the Moses basket on the floor with a blanket dumped over him and she had been painting the back door!

This morning I had a pram to assemble so she offer to watch him fir 15 mins. He was in a playful mood and happily batting his toys on the mat as I made the pram. She cuddled him for 5 mins then took him upstairs to try and get him to nap. I went upstairs and found him in the bedside crib in a playful mood with a blanket chucked on him. She had gone to clean up what was already a clean kitchen. I explained that if he needs a nap to tuck his blankets.

AIBU to think she has her priorities wrong? Obviously things need cleaning but there's a time and a place and those precious baby cuddles won't be forever.

His grandad is completely different , he will happily sing to him and cuddle him

OP posts:
yellowridinghood · 21/05/2024 16:10

shenandoahvalley · 21/05/2024 16:06

I said nothing about "taking advantage" of parents.

The Lullaby Trust's website has a blanket statement in their Co-Sleeping page which says:

"Babies should always be in the same room as you for at least the first six months for sleep, day and night. This doesn’t mean you can’t leave the room to make a cup of tea or go to the toilet, but for most of the time when they are sleeping they are safest if you are close by."

Taken in the round, by which I mean taking into account factors such as (1) multi-child families (2) occurrence and recidivism rates for PND and equivalent (3) availability of paid maternity leave (4) unequal split of parenting duties in the first 6 months of a baby's life (5) diverse family set-ups and make-ups (6) childcare availability, type and quality, and whatever other social and economic pressures new mothers may feel in 21st century Britain, this simply isn't possible for many many babies. So, are the parents (let's face it, mothers) of those unfortunate babies delinquent if they can't provide this? Have they caused the death by SIDS of their babies?

The ONS says that in 2021, "166 unexplained deaths of infants (aged under one year) [ocurred] in England and Wales in 2021, accounting for 7.1% of all infant deaths". Obviously for the parents concerned that's 166 too many. Equally obviously, we don't know that all 166 were caused by factors that can be prevented by always being in the same room as a napping/sleeping baby.

Put this into the perspective of the nearly 700,000 babies that were born in the UK in 2021. That's 0.02%. The NHS says that between 10-20% of women are affected by PND. How can it be reasonable to suggest that while they're suffering exhaustion, hormonal upheaval, unending pressure that breast is best, financial worries in this day and age and the lack of availability of affordable and good quality childcare, whatever other pressures a post-partum woman might be experiencing in her life, it's also OK to make such a bald statement as the Lullaby Trust's above? Yes of course there should be education, yes of course information should be made available. But it needs to be conveyed unsensationally, in a measured fashion, and not in a way that vulnerable new mothers read as "if I'm not in the same room as my baby for naps and overnight's sleep, it might succumb to SIDS". That's simply not responsible (or, in fact, necessarily factually accurate).

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100% agree.

I asked my health visitor about cot death and they said ‘but if you put them on their back to sleep cot death only affects smokers’. Thought it was totally irrelevant. And yet the lullaby trust wants to shift the blame onto parents for the infinitesimal chance that they might have missed an opportunity to save their baby???

Toddlerteaplease · 21/05/2024 16:13

I'm really not seeing an issue?

shenandoahvalley · 21/05/2024 16:14

CoffeeAndPeanuts · 21/05/2024 15:50

Rubbish. It shows that there's still more work to do regarding safer sleeping guidelines because some people still don't get it!

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As you're clearly so comfortable throwing around insults, I trust you're willing to accept them too: you are breathtakingly arrogant and obnoxious in the extreme. Your ire is misplaced.

Samlewis96 · 21/05/2024 16:14

RhubarbCurd · 21/05/2024 15:58

My eldest is at Uni we used grow bags at night they were fairly standard amongst us mothers at the time and been around a while at that point.

I didn't wake child up to put one - never said anything about doing so - though child dependent it's not impossible to get one on without waking - and as I said it perfectly possible to use blankets appropriately.

I've no idea about car seat as we don't drive - but pushchair they'd often be covered appropriately anyway - or you'd tuck a blanket tightly round and keep an eye on. It was rare event mine they slept in mosses basket but often didn't need blankets when they did.

Op doesn't like how MIL used blankets - so don't leave her in charge again - my Mum would turn babies on the side as despite advice she always thought it was safer - I just politely intervened and stopped her - no drama needed advice and best practice changes with more information and research.

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Yes as I said my DS used them. He's now 20. But my DDs are 9 and 12 years older and don't remember them having grobags

And yeah sleep on side was recommended when DD2 was born, think just after Anne Nightingale's son died from cot death. But changed again by time DS was born to back sleep

Maybe those of us who have kids grandchinds spanning over decades and seeing the constant advice changes don't get QUITE so neurotic over the " guidelines"

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 21/05/2024 16:32

So you're living with your MIL? That explains why she is just cracking on with stuff quite so much while your child sleeps.

I don't think there is anything wrong with asking her to keep the baby nearby. It is simple for you to replace the blanket with a grobag [you might have to hide the blankets though] and explain they are considered safer now, especially as the weather warms up. There are other measures like alarms and monitors which will give you peace of mind especially if they are now set up so you can remotely monitor them?

RhubarbCurd · 21/05/2024 16:33

Samlewis96 · 21/05/2024 16:14

Yes as I said my DS used them. He's now 20. But my DDs are 9 and 12 years older and don't remember them having grobags

And yeah sleep on side was recommended when DD2 was born, think just after Anne Nightingale's son died from cot death. But changed again by time DS was born to back sleep

Maybe those of us who have kids grandchinds spanning over decades and seeing the constant advice changes don't get QUITE so neurotic over the " guidelines"

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20 year of being around they are hardly new and as you actually used them there was no reason to make out there aren't other options to blankets.

Maybe those grandparents should try and remember what it's like to be new parents and be less judgemental dicks to new mothers.

DH under MIL "supervision" at 2 once followed his Dad up the ladders onto their two story house causing panic - I only know as they went on about it when our kids were that age how funny it was and how no-one got hurt.

She told me when DD1 was older that she been letting her cross road and post letters for ages and I was being over cautious that she was too young - she stood on step watching so what could go wrong - so stood with her - DD1 ran straight across the road and car had to slam on breaks before we could do anything - any less quick reaction car would have hit her. Same woman had go at us when we let DD1 up town with her mates at 12.

So personally I don't think having grown kids means automatically better at judging risk and knowing what best for young kids- sometime I think they've just been lucky or others risk assessed and intervened round them.

perfectcolourfound · 21/05/2024 16:45

You can't force someone to want to cuddle your baby!

And if the baby is perfectly happy without the cuddle, why force it on either of them?

It's healthy for babies not to learn to expect cuddles all the time, because they can grow into toddlers who are upset if mum isn't holding them, and children who are grief-stricken when they're left at nursery the first time. One of mine wanted to be cuddled all the time. So I gave cuddles. Never got anything done, often still not showered / dressed mid afternoon. The more I cuddled, the more they expected it. Night times included. I ended up exhausted and stressed.

I eventually had to ween them away from it, and that was much more painful for both of us than if I'd not overdone it in the early days.

parkrun500club · 21/05/2024 16:48

crumblingschools · 21/05/2024 14:19

Have you explained you are meant to be in the same room if they are napping?

That's at night, and until they are 4 months old.

It doesn't apply to daytime naps.

XMissPlacedX · 21/05/2024 16:56

Babies don't need to be cuddled all the time, you will create a rod for your own back doing that. MIL obviously has experience with babies and knows what's safe ( I'm assuming your DH made it safely into adulthood). Your being a bit precious in my opinion. However, if you are a first time mum then it's understandable you are a little anxious.

Samlewis96 · 21/05/2024 16:58

RhubarbCurd · 21/05/2024 16:33

20 year of being around they are hardly new and as you actually used them there was no reason to make out there aren't other options to blankets.

Maybe those grandparents should try and remember what it's like to be new parents and be less judgemental dicks to new mothers.

DH under MIL "supervision" at 2 once followed his Dad up the ladders onto their two story house causing panic - I only know as they went on about it when our kids were that age how funny it was and how no-one got hurt.

She told me when DD1 was older that she been letting her cross road and post letters for ages and I was being over cautious that she was too young - she stood on step watching so what could go wrong - so stood with her - DD1 ran straight across the road and car had to slam on breaks before we could do anything - any less quick reaction car would have hit her. Same woman had go at us when we let DD1 up town with her mates at 12.

So personally I don't think having grown kids means automatically better at judging risk and knowing what best for young kids- sometime I think they've just been lucky or others risk assessed and intervened round them.

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Didn't say there were no other options, but first time I've heard that you SHOULDNT use blankets. Not necessarily you but other posters of this thread. Youngest grandson is just turned 2 and he used blankets

Tdcp · 21/05/2024 16:59

OP, does your MIL leave the baby unsupervised around a dog?

Wolfpa · 21/05/2024 17:00

You are setting yourself up to fail. It is OK for a baby to cry for a few minutes while you finish something off, it is ok to leave a baby on its own while you nap. It is ok to not constantly be cuddling a baby.

you can ask whoever you like to babysit just don’t be surprised that if you say no to your MIL she will say no to you when you need her.

Original poster
blueyavocado · 21/05/2024 17:05

MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 21/05/2024 15:05

Some people aren’t into cuddling babies or the baby stage. One of my best friends is brilliant with my girls age 5 and 2, they adore her and she’s alot of fun, but she never took that much interest in them as babies, she would hold them for a few seconds before passing them off.

I wouldn’t ask your MIL to watch him anymore until he’s bigger, and the blanket issue is a concern!

I never ask her and I quite often decline as I don't feel comfortable. We have shown her the blanket thing so many times and we have also shown her paced bottle feeding so many times and she just ignores us

OP posts:
Original poster
blueyavocado · 21/05/2024 17:06

ginasevern · 21/05/2024 15:11

MIL isn't doing anything wrong, she's just doing it the way she used to with her kids. I'm almost certain she isn't actually just "chucking" a blanket over him either.

Babies don't need constant 24/7 cuddles. Parents with more than one child would have a meltdown if that was the case. Your MIL is helping you out. Either thank her nicely or find someone else to do it.

She scrunches the blanket up and leaves it loosely on him

OP posts:
FuckOffTom · 21/05/2024 17:09

perfectcolourfound · 21/05/2024 16:45

You can't force someone to want to cuddle your baby!

And if the baby is perfectly happy without the cuddle, why force it on either of them?

It's healthy for babies not to learn to expect cuddles all the time, because they can grow into toddlers who are upset if mum isn't holding them, and children who are grief-stricken when they're left at nursery the first time. One of mine wanted to be cuddled all the time. So I gave cuddles. Never got anything done, often still not showered / dressed mid afternoon. The more I cuddled, the more they expected it. Night times included. I ended up exhausted and stressed.

I eventually had to ween them away from it, and that was much more painful for both of us than if I'd not overdone it in the early days.

That’s funny cause I cuddled DS all the time. Was a full-on co-sleeping (safely) sling-wearing mom and he is one of the most secure and un-clingy kids I know. Never once cried going to school, just gets on with things.

My point being that you can’t ‘make’ a child clingy by holding them too much. It’s probably largely just how they are. Although a lot of what I read when DS was a baby actually stated the opposite.

FuckOffTom · 21/05/2024 17:10

XMissPlacedX · 21/05/2024 16:56

Babies don't need to be cuddled all the time, you will create a rod for your own back doing that. MIL obviously has experience with babies and knows what's safe ( I'm assuming your DH made it safely into adulthood). Your being a bit precious in my opinion. However, if you are a first time mum then it's understandable you are a little anxious.

So the bar at for good parenting is that their kid didn’t die? Ok then…

crostini · 21/05/2024 17:10

All the extensive guidelines around baby sleep are crippling parents. And making them not trust the best tool they have - mothers instinct. Post partum is already an extremely intense time, emotionally, physically, hormonally and possible sleep deprivation. Mums don't need the added stress.

Saying that tho, it's is important to put a baby to sleep on their back. All the rest of it is overkill and non conducive to a happy, calm start for mother and baby.

I think your MIL is doing nothing wrong. She is not putting your child in danger, and she is doing you a favour. Everyone will have their own relationship with your child, you can't force everyone to show love in the way that you do.

jannier · 21/05/2024 17:11

Why can't you put the pram together while baby carries on kicking and gurgling on the floor mat or in his cot? They don't need to be held every second tummy time is good?
Average pram is put on wheels clip on seat covers and harness

HoldingTheDoor · 21/05/2024 17:12

It is perfectly normal and appropriate to cuddle a young baby. Yes there’ll inevitably be occasions when you can’t attend to them immediately for one reason or another and there’s no need to feel bad about that but babies need a lot of attention and affection and it’s depressing to see so many people advising OP to withhold that from her young baby. They are not older children. They have their own needs specific to their developmental stage and being close to their caregiver(s) is important for them. It being inconvenient for adults doesn’t mean that it’s wrong.

Original poster
blueyavocado · 21/05/2024 17:12

crumblingschools · 21/05/2024 15:47

Baby should be at bottom of cot (feet to foot) and blankets (if used)should be tucked in, no higher than their shoulders

This is what I keep trying to show her but she doesn't listen , he has blankets but also has a couple sleep sacks

OP posts:
FuckOffTom · 21/05/2024 17:12

blueyavocado · 21/05/2024 17:05

I never ask her and I quite often decline as I don't feel comfortable. We have shown her the blanket thing so many times and we have also shown her paced bottle feeding so many times and she just ignores us

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See, if and when I become a MIL and was to baby sit a young baby like this I would absolutely follow what I had been asked to do by their parents tbh.

Boomer55 · 21/05/2024 17:14

redskydarknight · 21/05/2024 14:20

Not everyone thinks baby cuddles are precious. You don't mention that your son was distressed so I'm assuming he was perfectly happy - if you ask someone to look after your child you don't get to judge their priorities.

This.

FuckOffTom · 21/05/2024 17:14

HoldingTheDoor · 21/05/2024 17:12

It is perfectly normal and appropriate to cuddle a young baby. Yes there’ll inevitably be occasions when you can’t attend to them immediately for one reason or another and there’s no need to feel bad about that but babies need a lot of attention and affection and it’s depressing to see so many people advising OP to withhold that from her young baby. They are not older children. They have their own needs specific to their developmental stage and being close to their caregiver(s) is important for them. It being inconvenient for adults doesn’t mean that it’s wrong.

Absolutely this

jannier · 21/05/2024 17:22

blueyavocado · 21/05/2024 15:33

Toddlers are different to new babies

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She means how would you cuddle baby 24/7 while getting toddlers lunch/potty training/ dressing for school etc babies have to wait a bit