AIBU to think no one warns you life with teens is tiring

[Blendiful]

Lighthearted but..

You know when your kids are younger people warn you how tired you will be, but no one prepares you for being equally as shattered when they are teens!

In a perfect world I need to get up at about 6am to be able to go to the gym (something I enjoy for me), walk the dog, eat a decent breakfast.
Working full time now the kids are older. Throw into this endless tasks for school, washing, food shopping for the bottomless pits, trying to provide a decent diet 75% of the time. Ferrying to friends/work/college/partners houses/social events some of the time when they can't get themselves there or I'm feeling generous or transport/timings won't work x2 for the amount of teens.

Messages about things forgotten/asking for help/advice about various things. Trying to spend some time together, chasing up homework/course work etc.

Then ideally I need to be in bed by 9pm to get a decent nights sleep, but I have to partake in a fight for the bathroom (we only have 1!) and the teens don't go to bed until later than this! Add in toilet trips/sneaking downstairs, nighttime wandering from the eldest and it can often be 12 before I can drift off.

I am tired! I thought I would be in the stage of doing less and enjoying more now, but it doesnt seem on the horizon.

As I said, lighthearted. I love them and realise some of it I could just leave them to it, but they are both ND and so need that bit of extra support or things just don't get done/get missed or get worse.

Anyone else with teens in this stage and waiting for a good rest

I like my teens.

They seek my company but I'm not on call all the time.

They're funny and we laugh a lot.

I can go away with DH for a couple of days and they're fine.

Equally, we go away and do great things together.

We can watch films we ALL enjoy.

I love a day in town shopping and lunch with a good chat and seeing them lean into their own style.

They make me food and tea, and if I've been away are always happy to see me and hang around.

They introduce me to new music. I introduce them to old music.

We can share enthusiasms.

Board game nights are brilliant. You can teach them how to play poker.

We can talk about books, I can introduce them to great books.

If they get up at 6.30am, I don't have to.

They can use public transport.

They are becoming their own people, it makes me so happy to see them happy and enthused.

I don't want to be that dick, but, I fucking love my teens. They're acers.

(Not to say it's been an easy ride though!).

I spent a good portion of today helping the nearly 19yo eldest son (at uni) out of a hole he appears to have dug himself in to.

My husband asked me earlier if I had emailed DS the paperwork he needed, now that I'd sorted it.

I said since he hadn't bother so much as to text the words "thank you", I was pretty sure he would be in touch when he realised that although the situation was solved, he couldn't do anything without the paperwork.

I'll await the inevitable...

It gets easier when they move out, they said...

Yeah, I'm not sure I'm helping here 😂

(The 16yo spends his current life panicking about exams or asking me to test him - usually within 2.6 seconds of me parking myself on the sofa and turning the tv on)

I don't get this at all, not for my own situation. Teenagers are stroppy and can be tough to deal with at a personal level, but they should at least be reasonably independent. They should be doing some of the laundry and housework, and looking after their own rooms, even if some reminders and nagging are required. They should also be getting themselves to most of their destinations unless you live rurally or on the outskirts of a town.

It sounds like the OP's teenagers have some learning issues which probably makes things harder, but I do think the OP needs to start a timer-system for use of the bathroom and get a lockup box for things like snacks if her teenagers keep wandering through the house looking for food late at night.

Oh OP I 100% hear you. I worked PT when mine were small thinking I’d climb the career ladder when they were older.
I’m in my mid 40s now and absolutely knackered! Love them to bits but we live in different time zones.

Someone once said to me that teens take up headspace. That is tiring. While they are physically independent I have been amazed that I seem to have as little free time as ever. I get up with them at 630am to make sure they get out the house. They go to bed the same time as me. One of them is struggling at school and needs me to help with homework. Same child has a weekend cliub that needs ferrying to. They make a mess (once GCSEs are over I will crack down on this) Plus I am older and so more tired anyway. I used to see friends and take them along as all the kids play together. Obviously that doesn’t happen so if I can’t combine taking the kids places and spending time with my friends.

I love my new teen and his goofiness but yes, it's a whole new level of parenting - the driving to sport, the filling up the fridge, the cooking, the occasional door slamming/moodiness and the schooling and reminders to do homework and put down phone. also have a younger one and adoring his innocence right now but also worried as he's going to get to high school soon and has dyslexia so I'm wondering how he will cope as I can see what's up ahead for him.

Limited sympathy, in your example you still get 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
I will never forget the torture of 1-2hours at a time and years of up to 5 hours a night max. I was a walking zombie dealing with nappies, toilet training, tantrums, food EVERYWHERE every meal... nothing will ever be as hard as that.
Oh and the hormones. Physically recovering from pregnancy and labour. Trying and failing to breastfeed.

I understand what you are saying but the phase you are talking about lasts what 6 months absolute maximum. Recovery from birth and breastfeeding problems much less than that. Teen years go from what ? 13-17 (the really tough ones).

@wandawaves - unmumsnetty hugs. Hoping she finds the support she needs, and hoping you do to.

Not my experience with my first (late teen), who is incredibly easygoing and has been throughout all of their teens. They need the occasional reminder they're being pissy when stressed, but that's it. No interest in partying, no issues with behaviour, academically strong and motivated enough I don't have to worry too much, does things around the house when asked, generally helpful and eager to help. I'm not their taxi service often, most of the time it's understood that if they want to go somewhere, they're taking the bus. We're really close, I helped them through their first big breakup (and another subsequent one) and we talk about everything. A real pleasure to have around and I can truly say we share a bond you normally see on TV.

My second might be more difficult when older; they're far less compliant and have far more of a temper, but again, I've managed to build a strong foundation of enough respect for me that a few strong words usually do the trick. Long may it last; I expect a few phone calls from secondary school once they're that age, but until then, I try to get them involved in responsibilities and independence, too.

I have 4 kids and 2 teen girls.

It is hard to get time for myself so I restructured my day a bit as I couldn't fit everything in. So I get up at 5 and got to bed at 9, it used to be bed around half ten and up at six.

In the first hour of the day I sort my dogs, breathe exercise at home in the peace and quiet whilst doing this I watch TV. It's a nice waybt start the day once you get used to the early starts.

Kids up around 615 and by then I'm in a good headspace to sort breakfast and lunches and have a chat. We leave at 730 and I go to work.

I get in around half five and we eat together then I have half hour to myself with the kitchen door shut to sort the dishwasher and laundry and have a cup of tea and vape. Without any children near me they know to leave me alone at this point!

The evening I walk the dog or play a game with the younger two bath story etc. once they are in bed me and two teen will watch an hour of TV something grown up like a box set one a night.

Then it's bed at 9.

Each day is full like this and very tiring.

House work is done at the weekend..other than keeping kitchen and bathrooms clean with a quick blitz each day. But takes no time.

I pay the kids to help with jobs at the weekend one has to hoover the house,.one has to fold the washing and put away which is a win as I hate this job.

The one big bit of this is I don't have a partner. I have come to terms with that I cannot fit one into my life so not my time to date or meet anyone. The kids will be like this for the next ten or so years. I've no idea how couples spend any time together but I suppose they split the tasks I do between them.

I always heard that teens were worse because they were awful 😂but never heard about how exhausting it would be.

Hate it all you want but other people have different experiences.
Teens for me are harder and life is busier 100%.
And it's not because I don't remember the baby years.

Paid up member of the 5 O clock club here too, it's the only way. I work FT too, my yoga and running is my sanity. Although at 17 & 20 they are getting more independent.

I have a 3 year old and 6 month old. Give me any age apart from this. So touched out.

I said this on a similar thread a while ago.....In the not too distant past 'teens' had full time jobs of their own at 14, they had potentially started their own families and lived in their own modest house by 16 if not definitely by 18.
We weren't desperately trying to hold it all together until they left for uni at 18, teens had already been functioning as adults for about 4 years at that point!!
I am obviously not saying this would have been ideal (I certainly don't want my own 14 year old daughter getting married and pregnant anytime soon!) but biologically speaking we haven't caught up with modern parenting methods....we are knackered because our job should have been done but instead it just intensifies.
We are also having children later, the 14 year old that started independent life in the past would have probably had a mother under 30, today's 14 year olds have mothers in their 50's.
Personally I am glad I had my children young ish (I will be 44 when the youngest turns 18) because as much as I love my children and they have been brilliant, easy teens the pressure to 'be on' all of the time is huge.

As you said, yours are ND so you have to assist more than you would if NT.

I'm quite hands off now mine are 16 and 11. They get themselves up and out to school, lunches done. I don't do lifts, they don't have lots of activities, they time manage their own homework. Laundry and shopping is household stuff and would need to be done if they weren't living with us.

My 12 year old is ND so needs a bit of extra support (her executive functioning isn't fantastic, and she is often anxious) but the trade off is that we have so much fun together.

For me the challenge is juggling different ages - my youngest (of four) is 5 so still needs me physically and is an early riser. We struggle to find time to spend as a couple and certainly it's difficult fitting in sex.

Mine were exhausting, even though they are also brilliant, wonderful people. It’s a million times harder than toddler years - those of you who haven’t got there yet, come back to us in 6/7 years and we’ll see. There’s the myriad of mental health issues, school, university applications, friends, boys, drugs, alcohol, driving - all that to navigate. I’d take a few sleepless nights with an 18 month old over than ANY day - and I loathed the toddler years !
I am always exhausted and always slightly worried, even though mine are, on the whole, doing ok. OP I know exactly what you mean.

Six months absolute maximum? The phase the poster describes in which you’re dealing with nappies, toilet training, tantrums and food everywhere? That phase is not even remotely out of the way in six months. Recovery from pregnancy and birth can last anything up to the rest of your life, and breastfeeding is physically laborious for as long as you do it (for me the longest was 16 months, but friends have done it for much longer). You can make your point that the two phases have their own challenges without claiming how relatively short-lived the impact of having babies and then young children is, it’s very clearly anything but.

DD wasn't a horrible teen but she was "friends" with horrible teens. The emotional roller coaster we were on was exhausting - bullying, friendship issues, boyfriend issues , GCSEs and A levels are all areas of life I am thankful I am not dealing with right now.

DD is 20 and DS 19. DD already at Uni and DS going this year. DS and I were having a conversation yesterday about how this is the end of our lives as we know them now and how things will never be the same again. DD is so happy at Uni and I hope the same for DS but after alllll the years of life being busy I cannot imagine having an empty house. I sure will miss him even if I will not miss the Mum taxi duties!

Mine haven’t even hit the teens yet really and I feel you. Next year exams start for the eldest and then I have solid decade or so of exams 😩 dreading it!

have 4 under 5 was easy compared with all the ferrying round and nagging I have to do now - and I can see it’s only going to get worse!

There is definitely still plenty of parenting involved with teens but I don't find it anywhere near as tiring as having young kids. 2 of mine didn't sleep as babies. I also think looking after young kids is physically tiring, there's a lot of physical hard work in terms of literally running around after them and physically carrying them. You don't get that with teens. If your teens are still up at 9 you can wish them goodnight and go to bed if you want. You can't do that with a toddler.
I guess this is very much dependent on your circumstances though. Touching everything wooden, my kids have been easy teens so far....

Oh and when it comes to hormones the peri-menopause is 🤮

Same. I always thought the newborn stage was hardest (and I do think it might just pip it for the exhaustion) but the lack of control and the drama of teens combined with the practical needs is very tiring!

I loved 2-11

Although I looked after my toddler nephew recently and forgot how limiting it is to have to be with them all the time-no nipping out to the shop or even to put the bins out!