Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

What's funny is there is another thread here by a woman who moved 200 miles away from her parents, got married, had children, and is now upset that her parents didn't move closer to her when they moved house as it means her children won't have a close relationship with their grandparents. People tore her apart because she was the one who moved 200 miles away, and her parents don't have to live their lives to please her.

They are being very unkind and unbelievably unhelpful towards you. Family is everything and I hope they start being more considerate. I'd never treat my parents this way and let my children miss out on having them in their lives.

In all honesty, 150 miles is nothing.

Our journey to the Gparents was twice that.

I'd have been ecstatic if it was just 150 miles.

We do that in a day now (round trip) to see our adult children.

This is so incredibly petty. Go and visit your son and see where he lives and congratulate him on the life he’s built for himself and his kids. Visiting isn’t just about distance and practicalities, it’s also about showing approval and acceptance. You sound very bitter and disapproving of his move and your husband should be ashamed of himself.

OP, do you actually get on with your son? How's his relationship with his dad?

It sounds like none or you particularly like each other. There doesn't seem to be much give or take between all of you.

I found travelling tough when my youngest was under 2. He hated the car and just screamed and screamed.

Personally I'd go and see him and speak face to face.

This is really sad. My family live 500 miles away and we drive to see them 2 or 3 times a year. It takes 16 hours door-to-door (SE to Hebridean Island!) and we do it with our 3 young children and dog. You should both be making an effort, it works both ways.

All of the interactions between you sound so hostile and nit-picky no wonder they don't want to come and stay with you. Your DH is hostile and refuses to go and see them unless they put in the work, you are hostile and upset that they moved to a different area, your DS is hostile and trying to protect his family's wants. All three of you are defensive drama lamas and your son has learnt this behaviour from you and your DH so don't blame him. I honestly don't see how this relationship can be anything but what it currently is, you are all takers and not givers.

I bet the DILs family is far more easy going and nice and that's why they spend more time with them.

I think you should make an effort to go once or twice a year. Get the train, stay in a B and B. See it as a nice little mini break by the sea, not something negative.
However I also think they should make an effort to visit you. I live 300 miles from my parents. It's a 7 hour drive. But still, we have always visited them every few months, even though we're exhausted from work, life, raising children. We visited when the children were newborns, toddlers, and still visit now they're teenagers.

You have a husband problem, not a ‘my son took my grandchildren away’ problem. Your son has moved his family for a better quality of life. Your husband just can’t be arsed to drive there.
Why don’t you move closer if you’re so desperate to see them more?
Or I’m sure if you caught a train he would pick you up from the local station.
Doing a 3.5 hr journey with a 6, 3 and 1 year old is a pretty major operation. It’s far easier for you to get there.
Demanding to have your grandchildren presented to you is very entitled.

OP you might be better posting this monotonous bleat over on Gransnet,
where they specialise in this sort of depressive diatribe.
you will receive more of a sympathetic hearing, read many sad tales, realise
the DiL is often the villain of the piece, that you are now slid down the snake
and your opinion doesn’t matter, but at least you will be prepared.

YANBU and YABU. There should be some give and take. I moved away from home so I do feel it's on me to make effort for my family. Your son is being a but unkind. However, they also make a lot of effort to come visit me because they understand annual leave is limited, working parent life is hard, travelling with kids is a nightmare etc.

I think you should make the first trip. Be breezy and loving and soak in time with the grandkids. Show some kindness and flexibility and then a visit to come see you maybe won't feel like an obligation to them. See how that goes.

I have to agree with this.

It's tricky for them as they have little kids. It's tricky for you as you don't drive. You can either all seethe and never, ever see each other or come up with a solution together.

They have decided they want a home by the seaside (which is absolutely their choice), but have also decided nothing, and no one else, matters.

Your son doesn't care to see you, he doesn't care his dc have a relationship with their grandparents.

Ideally you should both be making the effort to visit 2-3 times a year each, but sounds like they are not interested at all in sharing the burden of the journeys for each others benefit.

Personally I think they sound very selfish, and sadly I think you need to reframe your relationship with them and find other things to fulfill you in their absence. Heartbreaking.

You can't be that old surely if your grandchildren are so young.

Not necessarily. My youngest biological child is 5. My mother has just celebrated her 80th and my inlaws are both 82. Dh is their youngest child and we were both over 40 when dd was born.

Do you make it as easy as possible for them to come to you? Do you have a cot, stroller, high chair, toys, books etc? Do you know what the kids like to eat and when? Have you baby proofed the house?

I do take my 2 to visit both DM and DMil often but it is so much easier to go to DMil (even though she is further away) as she has bought/borrowed spares of everything (including nappies, a baby monitor and a white noise machine!), her house is safe and she cooks what the kids like at times that mean they don’t get hangry. I literally have to get some clothes together and that’s it. I can understand how difficult it must be if they have to pack everything up for the 3 kids (inc. a baby) into the car more than a couple of times a year.

Or meet on holidays in a third place🤷🏻‍♀️

So your son and DIL have recommended you see them, by the sea, spend time with your grandchildren without needing to host them as you say you have age related health concerns, and you're upset that they've suggested the best possible option for every one as opposed to you hosting 3 kids at an extremely energetic age where parents would be on edge in someone else's home?

YABVU imo.

They moved at did what was best for them at the time.

If you want to see them then you must make an effort.

I would get the train OP and book a hotel nearby

I do long weekend and do this - it at least shows willing* *- it's possible if you maintain relationships in few years when kids are older they will start traveling to you.

It doesn't sound like it's a positive to visit rest of the family for them when in your area but their seaside location could be a nice break.

I'm 62 and dh isn't refusing to take me he sees all the upset and pain they put me through and has had enough.
My daughter brings my grandchildren to see me so why can't he when they take them to visit her mum?
I had a close relationship with him until he met his wife and moved away of course my heart is broken.
I've never got to see my grandchildren yet I have seen on Facebook her family with the children.

All I would like is a visit occasionally.
It should be mutual but if I don't visit I miss out after everything I have done for him.
I'd never have treated my mum like this.

@changinghairstyle - the distance from your house to your sons house is the same as the distance from your sons house to yours. You think it’s too far to go in a weekend and your DH won’t take time off work to go see his own child and grandchildren, yet you expect your son to task the drive /take time off, but drive with 3 kids in the car.

it is much easier for two adults to travel that 2 adults and 3 young children. Yet the travel is too much for you and your DH while you think it should be fine for your son to do it.

Is the real problem that your son moved away from the area that all your family have always stayed in?

Well, this isn't what's happening here though?

The child who has moved away isn't complaining. They like the life they've built enough that they'd like to enjoy it rather than schlep up to visit OP and unspecified relatives.

My ILs complain that their other son has moved a whole twenty minutes from them as "it's harder to help". Their ideal would be living on the same street as them and their friends.

We're going through this phase now with our new son - ILs are adjusting to the fact that our lives aren't going to involve quite so much of seeing their second cousins and friends. It's up to them if they want to keep up with their wider family and friends to the same degree or to accept that we have our own family, our son has his cousins, will have friends etc.

If it were my kids, I’d be there regardless of whether they were offering the same in return. 6/3/1 year olds are incredibly hard work- they’re in the thick of it. You’re missing out, and I’m sorry to say it’s your own fault as you won’t make the effort - basically because they won’t. Get over yourself.

Do you really want your 6, 3, and 1 year old grandchildren to be stuck in a car for 3.5 hours? That's a really long journey for little children (plus, if they are anything like my DC, it would actually take a lot longer as they inevitably poo/get overwrought and need a break during long journeys).

In your shoes, I'd be offering to travel to them purely for the children's sake. You could have a pleasant train ride, enjoy the scenery, then spend some lovely time with your family. Surely that's more important than 'winning' this argument?

@changinghairstyle have you actually spoken to your son? Have you told him all this? Why not try and compromise somehow? Offer to meet them half way and that could be done in a day for all of you.

You’ve never seen your grandchildren….

In six years you and your husband have never ever bothered once….

Forger the dils family because I bet my hat they go and visit.

Sounds like you/your dh and your son don’t actually get along and if you haven’t been bothered once in six years to ever visit them I’m not surprised they cannot be bothered with you either.

“after everything I’ve done” ahem you parented him, like your obliged to do as his parent 😂