Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

Is this a reverse?

They expect my husband to take time off work and drive down, he isn't bothered about going if they won't come to us because if they come to us they can see all the family so it makes more sense but if we go it's just us.
It was their choice to move so far away and now I never see them because they say it's a long way.

You seem to be surprised and resentful that they moved for no good reason other than to live “by the sea” and that they have busy lives, work, a small house, and young children. Isn’t that all quite normal?

My MIL was like this: she absolutely could not accept that her son and my SIL had very busy lives. Working, community, children: they had no free days for months at a time. They had many competing demands on their time. They were never “off” and not already booked.

Yes if she wanted to see them she had to come to their city and stay nearby and see them between other events that were scheduled.

How old are their children?

Do you work?
Is money an issue for you re public transport/hotels?
Go at weekend?

You sound rather petty. Why does it matter who moved or why? If you want to see your family, jump on a train or coach. They have three children and jobs!

We did this and there is nothing wrong with it op! You only get one life and the kids love seaside living. MIL has never driven but manages just fine to come and visit us. We sometimes visit her too. Admittedly we visit more than she does but we are ok with that. It's all about being understanding and making the effort. A standoff where neither party wants to do the travelling just sounds childish to me.

My sister moved to the other side of the world and had her kids. My parents go as often as they can, it’s not cheap, and they FaceTime regularly so the kids are very attached to their grandparents. Ideally your son would make some effort but it sounds like there’s a back story and you’re only hurting yourself by not making any effort either. You could take the train and book a place to stay. You just don’t think it’s worth it.

You're not expected to, they've just said you can if you want.

Remember they'd have to take time off work to visit you as well. This is a problem we have with our in-laws. They've never been to our house that we've lived in for about 10 years because it's so far away (5 hour drive), but they moan that we go only twice a year to see them. They're retired, they could take all the time in the world to get to us. We have to use annual leave to see them.

Too long a journey with small kids. Mins struggle doing 1.5 hrs to visit my family. Both sides need to compromise I'd say 😁

I really think it makes more sense for you to go to them rather than the other way around, especially if:

a) grandchildren are young babies/toddlers therefore travelling entails a lot of planning, packing, stopping, and parents are sleep deprived

b) parents are working and you are not working, and have a lot of free time

c) they are offering to help in finding accommodation, picking you up from station etc

OP, I can see you're upset but I would advise you to set aside any anger and resentment at your son moving away and focus on the future.

Tell your son that you love them and want to see them but that as you don't drive, you won't always be available to visit them and and suggest that you each visit each other. So you visit him for half term perhaps and then suggest he visits for a few days in the summer holidays.

His response seems unreasonably angry, is he looking for an excuse to stay away?

I live 3.5 hours away from my parents. I also have 2DC and a dog, both me and my DH work full time.

It's really hard to de-camp for a weekend during term time - we tend to drive up during holidays or my DPs come to me.
When they were little, it was a real ball ache due to all the paraphernalia involved - even though my DPs had spare rooms. As my DC are older it is easier but that journey up and down the M6 with young DC was just soul destroying

There needs to be compromise on both sides - they should come up to see you, you need to go down to see them. You need to frame it like that to your son.

Do you work? Do you have more free time than them? Is it possible for you to catch a train? Is it possible for your GC to move to another room whilst you're visiting? Will you have to go to a B&B or something like that? Talk about suggestions/ solutions that will make the trips simpler.

You need to keep talking

Why can't you get the train?

7hr round trip is going to be very stressful for young children. I wouldn't expect them to do that more than once or twice a year.

Ahh so you can quite easily get there via car but your husband refuses because he thinks they should want to visit the whole family with the kids and “should” come to you because it’s all their fault they moved.

Their annual leave is likely taken up managing impossible childcare, your husband can take time off…. Anytime he wants? The lack of any compromise or understanding in your reply is illuminating.

Their reluctance to come and stay with you and your “not bothered” husband is now much less surprising given the fact you COULD visit but are digging your heels in and slinging mud on their choices rather than just making it work to see your family.

I think it's shit that they won't make any effort to come and see you.

Then again, I think it's shit that you don't want to make an effort to go and see them.

If none of you can be arsed, then I guess that there won't ever be much of a relationship. I do feel sorry for your grandchildren but that's just life, I suppose.

You are being really weirdly dogmatic and it's like you're punishing them for daring to make a lifestyle choice that you don't approve of. I moved thousands of miles from my parents as a way to give myself a better life and my parents miss me, but 100% support the decision I've made.

I honestly don't understand why you can't go down and visit them. It sounds like they live somewhere beautiful. You could enjoy a little break and lots of fun things with the DGC and build a relationship with them. Over time, hopefully they'll come and visit you as well, particularly for large family events if the wider family are all still in the same place - weddings, big birthdays, christmas, anniversaries, christenings etc.

@changinghairstyle how old are your GC?

Also sounds like you have a DH problem - he needs to more empathetic

You sound very resentful they have moved away.

Sounds like stubbornness on both sides to me.

Agree with @Pipsquiggle - the biggest obstacle here is your DH.

We sometimes stay at our sons to visit the grandchildren , they come over here or we sometimes stay in a b and b near to them . In fact we like staying in the b and b option best .We catch the train- we both don't drive long distancës any more . We make a little holiday of it .

Maybe they don’t want to see ‘all the family’. Maybe they want to show you something of their new life, in the hopes that you will get over your clear resentment.
If you want to see them, make an effort. It’s not ideal that they can’t but this sounds very ‘cutting nose to spite face’

Well there's no way I'd have said that to my mum or my DMiL, and there's no way my adult DC would say that to me. Your son sounds extremely uncompromising and I particularly dislike him making this about you not being keen enough on seeing your GC, rather than being open to compromise, as there are other options, like meeting half way ir taking turns to visit each other. That said, you are where you are. Your son and his wife hold all the cards here, so if you want to see your GC, it's going to have to be a train and a hotel. In your shoes, I'd do it, because I wouldn't want to lose the opportunity of a relationship with them. But I feel for you OP. I'd be hurt and disappointed if it were my son.

It's difficult for any of us to make a judgement, I think, because every situation is different and every relationship is different.

I moved my job and my life around to live closer to my parents when they became elderly, and I was happy to do that and still am because of the massive amount of support they have given to me over the years.

Equally my mom has always been very clear she didn't EXPECT that.

And it has taken its toll on my relationship - my partner doesn't accept that it's reasonable for us to have to live in a place he isn't keen on because of my parents, and I think we will basically split up over it, sadly.

What I am trying to say that, there is no absolute right or wrong. But I do think you have every right to

A) feel sad they live so far away and

B) struggle with the costs of visiting them, if you do. It sounds expensive to make that journey and stay in a hotel every time you visit, I agree. Most people couldn't easily afford to do that very often, I expect.

I am not sure what outcome you are hoping for tho (and I say that kindly). Even if everyone on here were to agree with you, your son would still do what he wants to do.