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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

1000 replies

changinghairstyle · 20/05/2024 11:59

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 20/05/2024 12:01

How old are the kids?
I think it is unreasonable for them to
never ever drive to see you
unless there’s a back story
make a trip of it to see them - book a few days and treat it like a holiday? Can you afford that?

Prawncow · 20/05/2024 12:02

Train? Coach?

WYorkshireRose · 20/05/2024 12:04

If they have young children then 3.5 hours is a difficult journey, car or no car. Why can't you get the train? If you miss them as much as you say then you'll make it happen.

Elektra1 · 20/05/2024 12:04

Three and a half hour drive is something I wouldn't be keen to do with young children either. I go to visit my adult children and stay a night in a hotel because they can't put me up for the night. I do that because I miss them and want to see them. I wouldn't say "if you won't come home, I'm not coming to you either."

Moier · 20/05/2024 12:05

I'd go to the end of the world to see my Grandkids..( luckily l don't have to .. they live close by).. l don't drive.. I'd catch a train ..book a B&B and have a break.
But therefore my daughters wouldn't treat me like that..
I think your son is just being plain adverse.

MumInBrussels · 20/05/2024 12:05

Is your house in some way not suitable for children, maybe? Or do their children cope particularly badly with (especially sleeping in) new places?

thanKyouaIMee · 20/05/2024 12:05

A 3.5 hour journey would be a lot harder for them with multiple DC if they're working than one person travelling to see them on the face of it. It's a lot more disruptive for four people to travel 7 hours and stay in an unfamiliar house than one person!

Are you able to get a train or other transport? Perhaps meet halfway and your son could pick you up?

OpusGiemuJavlo · 20/05/2024 12:06

Yabu. There's loads of ways to travel other than driving.

If they aren't going to visit you, you don't need 3 spare bedrooms and if you downsize you'll have plenty of spare money to pay for a nice airbnb rental near them.

You are rich in the one asset they don't have - time. Spend that time on finding ways to see them where it's easiest for them to be, rather than expecting them to spend time they can't afford so that you don't have to put in effort.

Confrontayshunme · 20/05/2024 12:07

I can see both sides of this (except them not moving the kids round so you can have a bedroom to stay in when you visit).

Your son will be considering the faff of taking leave when they may not have enough leave for childcare over the year, packing them all up and the trip with kids etc, and he will be thinking your only impediment is lack of driving (in most of the UK the trip would be manageable on public transport).

You are considering the faff of public transport, increased costs to stay elsewhere and the lack of support from them.

Both are really annoying in their own ways, but I guarantee, they will be weighing up the inconvenience of transporting multiple people vs the travel of one person who happens not to drive.

Try to see what options there are for seeing them and patch things up. Neither of you are unreasonable but on balance, I think you should explore other options if you want the relationship with them.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 20/05/2024 12:07

It should be give and take. Yes you want to see your grandkids and children, so should travel to see them. But equally, they should want to see their grandkids' grandmother and your son's mother so should travel to see you too

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 20/05/2024 12:07

I think that's a bit sad on both sides.
We used to visit grandparents more at there houses when they were little and we could all squash in to one room, now that they are teenagers we either visit them and book an Airbnb.
We're also lucky that both sets of grandparents are able to drive and we can offer them a room, they have also stayed in B&bs when we didn't have the space.
Can your DS drive up for you stay the night and drive you back down and you stay in a B&B as a compromise?

soupfiend · 20/05/2024 12:07

I would get the train OP and book a hotel nearby

You sound like you disapprove of them moving in the first place, are they upset at you about that, have you been making negative comments about their choice to move?

cheddercherry · 20/05/2024 12:08

Reading between the lines and maybe reaching:

You don’t deem the reason they moved away as valid “simply to live by the sea” as if you can only move due to work or family. Therefore you’ve passed judgement on their priorities and where they’ve chosen best for their family. Would this resentment be something that he’s picked up on?

You mention missing him and the grandkids but not his wife, are you not close?

Maybe he thinks one person getting a train is easier than travelling hours in a car with small children? How old are they, if they’re literally babies and toddlers I can see why going cross country and staying in someone else’s house is maybe not ideal.

GotOnHerCutOffs · 20/05/2024 12:08

I’m presuming there’s more to this.

If all was good they’d come and see you sometimes, and you would get a train to see them.

What’s the back story?

Talipesmum · 20/05/2024 12:08

I think you’re both digging your heels in and being stubborn. They’re allowed to move. It’s not unusual to live miles from parents. And yes, they’re probably very busy and it’s hard to make time for travel with kids activities, work, house things. We have family several hours away, and we would probably get over there once every few months. We do try and visit and if it’s eg their birthdays we might be there more often but it’s not frequent.

My parents usually come to us as they’re retired and further away. They do drive but they’ve come on the train before as well. We can put them up but if eg my sister and her family are staying as well, they sometimes book a hotel. Edited to add - my parents are also about 3.5-4.5 hours away. We get up there around once a year max. Pretty much they always come to us, and are v happy to do so.

I think you have to make some effort and hope it will encourage them to do the same. Go on the train, stay in a hotel, see the grandchildren.

Blonkets · 20/05/2024 12:08

I have small children and I do drive to visit my parents (4 hours!) but only once a year because a journey like that with little children is a nightmare, particularly if there is traffic and it takes even longer. I appreciate that they visit me 2-3 times a year.

Did you previously have a good relationship? If so it may just be that your DS is overburdened and stressed. Would you ever consider moving to where they are? Is public transport an option? Try not to be too stubborn about this because you will lose precious time with your grandchildren.

SpunkyMintZebra · 20/05/2024 12:09

My in laws live 2 hours away - rarely come down - maybe once a year twice if we’re lucky, when they do, they stay in a hotel, we don’t have room to accommodate them. They do drive however, but in hindsight nobody should make the effort to bring their kids to you, I’m in that mindset now that if family/friends whoever want to see my kids, they will make the effort to be in their lives.
families are obviously busier, my in laws are retired and do literally nothing so have all the time in the world to come down, have a break, stay somewhere nice: it’s not really a big deal?

We go to them more (annoyingly) but this is only due to them living at the seaside so it’s nice for the kids, (we don’t) 3.5 hours is a long journey for kids and quite hard work to be honest. 2 hours is just enough for us.

Why not see it as a little holiday? Train/coach ride? Stay somewhere nice for the weekend?

LameBorzoi · 20/05/2024 12:09

MumInBrussels · 20/05/2024 12:05

Is your house in some way not suitable for children, maybe? Or do their children cope particularly badly with (especially sleeping in) new places?

This - is it full of white carpets / furniture or breakable things? Are there stairs? A pond? A busy road? Those things can make visiting with little kids a nightmare, on top of the nightmare 3.5h journey.

Scintella · 20/05/2024 12:09

I have money enough for train fares and travel 6 hours by train to see DGKs - the poor parents work full time -their free time is limited.

GerbilsForever24 · 20/05/2024 12:10

I think it's ridiculous that both you and your son/DIL seem to think that ALL travelling must be done by one person.

They have young children, travelling 3.5 hours is bloody hard more than now and again. Especially if they have a life and activities and friends and hobbies and groups etc where they live - on any given weekend we have football/dance/basketball plus the DC have parties or sleepovers or playdates. So I really don't see why you can't make the effort to take a train or a coach or something, and stay in a hotel or B&B.

At the same time, I would fully expect them to come visit you at times. Eg at least every second or third year for Christmas/Easter or the odd bank holiday weekend etc.

Crumpleton · 20/05/2024 12:10

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work

They do realise that the distance you'd have to travel would be pretty much the same?

They could book time off for annual leave.

This is alway going to be a problem when family members move such distances apart.
Yes it's difficult visiting with young children especially if your house isn't kitted out, cot/high chair and whatever else is needed but equally they shouldn't just assume you'll be the one to visit everytime especially if having to stay in a hotel.

ellenpartridge · 20/05/2024 12:10

I think you're both being a bit unreasonable but at the end of the day if you do want to see them it sounds like you're going to need to make some effort to travel

Houseplanter · 20/05/2024 12:11

How welcome do they make you if you do go?

I agree it's a lot for them to come to you but at the same time I see why you're sad they never visit. It's not so much the cost of you visiting is it, it's the principle of them never making the effort.

rwalker · 20/05/2024 12:11

It isn’t a case off just driving to see you it’s the full weekend gone packing up and then both working full time it would take them a week to catch up

train or coach would be a good option

PuttingDownRoots · 20/05/2024 12:11

You are both being unreasonable. Its perfectly normal to take turns for distances. My PILs have just gone on a 12 hrs flight to visit their other grandchildren... because they live them and want to. Similarly, BIL, his wife and children do the same flight to visit them.

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