Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

How well did they get on with you and the rest of the extended family before they moved? If the answer is not great then realistically they won't make travelling back a priority.

It's not going to help you focussing on what you think they should be doing. You've got to decide what you're willing or not willing to do and live with it because what other option is there?

OP you sound very stubborn. As others have said, it’s a big deal to travel with 3 kids. You need to be more flexible; can your DH not drive? Can you not book a hotel room for a couple of nights and make the effort for the sake of seeing your grandchildren. It isn’t your DIL’s fault. I was in a similar situation where I booked a holiday with my sister and her DC, and my MIL complained that we never want to go away with her - mostly because she isn’t relaxing to be around but it’s up to my DH to do this stuff!

My husband would tell me to catch a grip.

I'd be ashamed of him if he wouldn't take a few days off to facilitate a trip to see his son.

Imagine having a child then being so bullish about who they should be and what they should do, and not even giving a crap about how challenging the journey might be for them.

Good point @OhmygodDont

Travelling hours in a car to go to a holiday destination is a totally different kettle of fish, to schleping hours to sit in your mum's sitting room.

For what it's worth, I agree that they should make an effort too, but sadly their attitude seems to be the norm these days.

Now, knowing that they have no intentions or interest in facilitating their children's relationship with you, it is down to you to make that happen for you and your grandchildren.

Don't cut off your nose to spite your face, as they say, by making a stand on this, because it is you and the children who will miss out.

haven't read it all but why on earth cNor you take a coach or a train? 3.5h isn't far. They have 3 young DC and presumably a busy life and the trip would be tiring. Just hop on a train? I cannot see the issue at all. You make it sound as if they are on Mars!

How old are you? Presumably not very elderly given that your husband is still of working age. You should have a nice break away by the sea with added grandkids, sounds lovely. That's what annual leave is for.

Your DH is being an arsehole by refusing to take you. You'll never see them again if you're both so stubborn about it.

And where does her mum live? How involved is she in helping out with the children? You don't like the fact she's getting "better treatment" but it's not a competition. Maybe she lives closer. Maybe she's a nicer person than you. There is a valid reason which you're refusing to acknowledge.

You sound resentful, bitter and stubborn, like everything needs to revolve around you and everyone needs to pander to your expectations, you poor thing. Well the thing most of us on MN who experienced parents like you first hand can see right through it. You're not going to get the sympathy you don't deserve.

I have no doubt reading your posts that you're high maintenance and that's probably why they moved away and don't want to make an effort you're expecting them to make. You only want a relationship on your terms, it's never going to work.

And your house is not geared up for your grandchildren if you have 4 adult children and no young kids living with you now. What a silly thing to think and say, just proves everything people said on this thread is spot on.

Surely you can see it is easier at the moment for you and your DH to travel to theirs and have a mini break at the same time.

But there seems quite a back story here as you sound resentful of their move to the seaside and your DH “has had enough of it all”. You then mention they take time to see the other grandparents but not you.

Truthfully, I think you need to put aside your resentment and decide positively to book a mini break to see them with your DH driving you both there and booking some local accommodation.

You are the ones with more spare time. You are only going to miss out if you continue to dig your heels in. This isn’t going to make for a harmonious relationship going forward and you sadly will be the losers in this whilst they continue their busy lives.

But you do need to reframe your attitude towards this as it’s clear that you are harbouring resentment which will be clear to see by everyone.

Is there really no compromise? My dad, 84, comes to London to visit his grandchildren (2 families) far more often than we visit him. He comes by train from 200 miles away.

I absolutely agree, there is obviously more to this. But I also don't see why 2 fit and healthy young people (I presume) can't do a 4 hour car journey once a year because they've got children. The hue and cry on here about travelling with kids is bloody ridiculous.

But surely they’d need to take time off work to drive up? Plus, packing for and managing three very young kids on that journey. Sleeping for the baby and toddler at your place. Toileting for the 3 year old. Mealtimes. That’s a lot.

Don’t begrudge them their dream by the sea. And don’t be beholden to your DH either. If he doesn’t want to go, get yourself down there. There’s always a way somehow if you really want to.

With children aged 6, 3 and 1 it is going to be very difficult for them to travel to see you. I have two young children and find it hard to travel because of how much we have to pack for the children. If you really want to see them I would make an effort to go.

OP I get the vibe off you that you care more about your inconvenience than your sons family. Reminds me of my own mother whom I would not feel welcomed visiting and peppered with negative passive aggressive comments if I wasn't local to her I would take the same stance as your son.

I think the problem surely is your husband can drive you to see them? Why can't he do that? He doesn't work 7 days a week if everyone has weekends off then your husband working should not be a problem.

You have to remember your child didn't choose to be born they don't owe you anything. If you make the effort to be a good mother/grandmother he would be making the effort or at least be more apologetic

Stone the crows, what is WRONG with you???

Is there any possible better use of your DH’s annual leave than taking a couple of days so you can both visit your son and three young grandchildren across a long weekend?

You’re obviously resentful that they moved to a seaside area (the lucky things) by choice and not necessity. I would be proud of my adult children for being proactive and living their best lives, not bitter. It sounds a wonderful thing to have done.

If you can’t be arsed to travel by pubic transport - I have a mobility related disability, I understand that perspective although it is surmountable - and your DH is too much of a stubborn mule to drive you both to stay locally, you will miss these magical early years with your grandchildren. Not to mention further estranging your son and DIL.

Is that what you want to look back on in future years?

Or accept it’s hard for full time parents with three preschoolers to come to you, and it’s worth the fuss to build a relationship with the next generation of your own family.

Totally agree.

It's so sad these days that people are so "busy" that they can't find time to visit their parents. Instead of booking social events, hobbies etc make time to see your loved ones.
Your son is absolutely vile to speak to you the way he has. I can't wait for some of the pps to get older and realise it's not quite so easy as just hopping on a train. I do drive but my DH doesn't much any more and we would like to downsize but it might mean moving further away but our DD doesn't want us to go too far because she would like to get to us quickly if necessary, but then she's not a selfish arse.

You sound so resentful and bitter. If you genuinely care about your son and grandchildren then you need to find a way to let this resentment go because you're going to end up with no relationship with any of them due to your stubbornness.

I do understand that you want them to come and visit you. And I agree with you that in an ideal world they would do that at least some of the time. But what they need from you is your support and your time. You can do that by going to visit them. Their own grandpa is resentful about taking time off to visit them, that's a really sad situation.

I would be devastated if my parents or my in laws felt like this about us. My in laws only ever come to us and often don't stay with us because they know the 4 hours drive is worse for us with two small children than it is for them.

You have forgotten (or never knew) how hard travel is with three children that age (especially toddlers)!! As someone who has three young children there is absolutely no way I’d want to do what you’re asking. Just because you see your house as child friendly it doesn’t mean it meets the needs of their family (5 people is quite a group when 3 are little). We are very picky about where we are brave enough to spend the night as a family!

Book accommodation.

I don't think it really matters who's being unreasonable TBH, If you want to see your grandchildren then you obviously need to make the journey, digging your heels in wont allow you to see your grandkids I'm afraid. If you go and visit without complaining you may find over time that they make the effort to see you. You could argue that you shouldn't have to all day long but don't become a prisoner to your principles....

Erm so I live 300 miles away from my DD, DSIL and my 2 DGS. We also have the small matter of the Irish Sea in between us. We take it in turns! They come here 2-3 times a year and we go there the same. I totally understand why they want to live by the sea we do and my DGS think they're on holiday every time they come plus it's great for finding employment when the DCs become teenagers! For goodness sake negotiate and take turns!

They sound very selfish.

I live 5 hrs away from my parents. I moved away after uni for work.

My children are now adults but from when they were a few months old, we did the journey several times a year until they were late teens.

As adults, they see them by train now or en route to other places they're going to.

Often, we used to book a holiday cottage nearby so it was a combined holiday/ see gran and grandad.

My Mum used to come to see us, perhaps 3 times a year by train and stay for a few days.

We also did exactly the same (opposite direction) to see DH's parents as they had health conditions and didn't drive after mid-60s.

I can't understand your family @changinghairstyle

I don't understand you!

We did the journey for years and years with 2 kids, only a 2 year gap between them.

Play Eye Spy and other car games, take books, listen to music for kids.

Stop at services, have a snack, get some fresh air, back in the car.
Rinse and repeat.

We never stayed in their house . We booked cottages nearby (and still do) and it was a 'holiday'.

@changinghairstyle I think you should see it as an opportunity for a holiday by the sea a few times a year. Do you like where they have moved to?
If they see that you are willing to make an effort to see them, they might then return that favour and visit you. Both sides sound very stubborn in this situation. If you don’t want to lose them completely I would start visiting them now, especially as we head into summer.
Do your health issues make it difficult to travel? Could you afford to visit them? Because those factors are important. If you are able to do it, then I would do it for the sake of your family relations. If money and health are huge problems for you, then your son should be making more of an effort.

Why can't you go by train @changinghairstyle ?

I think you are ALL wrong.

You should make an effort and go by train or coach.

Your children need to get a grip and travel to you and stay in a hotel or Airbnb.

Your H needs to get a grip and take some annual holiday and both of you do the journey together.

You can't be that old surely if your grandchildren are so young.