Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

But they haven’t put you through upset and pain. They’ve just moved to start their family life together. Be part of it or don’t - but stop being so petty.

I’m another one saying you need to make the effort. You don’t work and they do and they have three children!! Make a holiday of it, get a train or coach and book an airbnb. I do feel they should compromise but maybe do it first and hope they return the favour?

I'm 62 and dh isn't refusing to take me he sees all the upset and pain they put me through and has had enough.

you need to get over yourself. They haven't done anything to you. Just moved away (I guess one can guess why now). Stop vilifying your DIL and just get on a train. You don't need someone to take you there. Why can't you go on your own? I am not surprised they don't visit. you sound like two very unpleasant people. If you wanna heal the relationships, you need to make an effort!

I'm 62 and dh isn't refusing to take me he sees all the upset and pain they put me through and has had enough

What upset and pain? The fact they moved away? Or is there more to this story that I’ve missed?

If it’s just that they’ve moved away then that very over dramatic. It’s rubbish not seeing your grandkids but you have just as much of a part to play in this. I’m still not sure why you can’t go to their town and stay in a bnb other than the fact it’s a little inconvenient for you.

Also once the “after everything I’ve done for him” is trotted out, I’ve lost sympathy. He doesn’t owe you anything for bringing him into this world - you were his mother. I absolutely hate this phrase. Of course as a fellow human being you’re owed respect etc, but he is not indebted to you.

Does your daughter live close to you?

or is she doing a 3.5 hour drive to bring the grandkids to you?

The real problem is the move, isn’t it? You really want him to live in the same town the rest of your family live in, but he doesn’t want the same lifestyle he grew up with. You can be part of the new life he’s built with his wife and children, or you can be a stranger. It really is your choice.

book the train tickets and have a few days at the coast, with the added bonus of time with your grandchildren.

But you can see them. Swallow your pride and go. Someone has to make the first move.

Do it, be a lovely guest, cherish your time in the lovely home they've chosen for themselves, not a single moany word about DIL having stolen your son or seeing her own mum.

And when you're done, invite them up.

If they decline, you tried. If they accept, then it could be the start of a reciprocal arrangement that brings you a lot of joy over the years.

I'm 4 hours from my parents. We do both, but they come here more than I go there at the moment. We don't have a spare room, because where we live is expensive and we couldn't afford an extra room, but they stay near by or do it in a day.

I can't move things round so they have a room when they stay, because we haven't got space for the extra bed they'd need or for the bedding etc to store.

I would absolutely go there more, and likely will when DD is bigger. But at the moment, it's a VERY long trip for a very small girl. We also have animals, who are welcome at my parents but because the dogs don't get on it's another logistical thing to deal with. So I usually leave DH home and take DD on my own.

Taking her on my own is exhausting. It's all the driving, with a small person, and then sleeping somewhere unfamiliar which usually means she doesn't sleep well, ends up in with me and therefore I don't sleep. But I'm still 4 hours (minimum) away from home so I have the drive back. And then back to the work routine the following week.

I hope you see where I'm going with this. You're not unreasonable to want them to visit. But you are unreasonable to think it's easier for them purely because you don't drive.

Sorry, You’ve never seen your grandchildren??

I don't know they state of your health but 62 isn't old. It sounds to me like you're all being incredibly stubborn - both sides saying "Oh well you don't bother to visit me so I won't visit you!" and you've now all reached a stalemate.
Go on, be the bigger person. Go and have a nice time. Put the resentment behind you and just enjoy your time with your son and grandchildren. I think if you do this a couple of times it'll soften their attitude and they'll start to visit you occasionally.

Except in this case, the son isn’t complaining she isn’t visiting- he just doesn’t want to go to hers…

You said your husband isn't bothered about seeing them, you're taking their decision to move for a better quality of life very personally, you're saying your daughter travels so why can't he, not really acknowledging the difficulty of long drives with 3 small kids, and you say "I had a close relationship with him until he met his wife"... Only you know what your relationship is really like but I'm getting the impression that spending time with you and your DH is draining for your DS and DDIL and they're making the decision that a 3.5hr drive isn't worth it for them. If you and DH expect it to always be them who make the effort, that's a fair enough decision in my opinion.

I definitely may be wrong but it could also be a purely practical reason, you said you raised 4 children in your house but that was a while ago and your house may not be set up well for your grandchildren's specific needs (foods, toys, sleeping preferences, maybe one of them has a hobby they try to do every day etc)

Your son and his wife have 3 small kids and have jobs. They have a LOT on their plates and probably are knackered. They probably don’t have the energy let alone time to be planning trips to see you. They have their home comforts at home and weekends are very short. They have one who is school age so school holidays is the only time they can get away.

You have a lot more schedule flexibility and should definitely the ones visiting them rather than expecting the other way round.

OP what are your health problems? If not too severe go to visit your son and GC asap. You say you miss him so much - but not enough for you yo make the effort to go to see him. Just think at least he did not go to Australia..

You need to do some work on boundaries. Notwithstanding the fact that you birthed and raised them, children owe you nothing. Your happiness is not his responsibility. If you want to see them, get a grip of the situation instead of wringing your hands about it and get a train/bus or ask your husband to drive and tell him how much it means to you to go.

I've never got to see my grandchildren yet I have seen on Facebook her family with the children.

Never? The eldest is 6!
No wonder they aren’t putting the effort in to drag 3 children all that way to see you if you’ve never jumped on a train to visit them. You don’t have to wait for your DH to book time off work to drive you, you could go yourself.
Talk about cutting your nose off to spite your face.

Do you mean you have never seen any of the three grandchildren? And one is 6?

If so then you are no contact with your son and his family and you will need to take little baby steps to try to fix things. He may be that hurt by his parents actions up until now that that’s not even an option for him though.

If this is what you mean I feel exceptionally sorry for your son. I also have family that do not bother to see me so I know how devastating it feels.

There's obviously more to this.
I can see that it's difficult for them to visit at the moment, but it's not impossible for them to ever do the trip.
And you are making ridiculous excuses not to visit, you can get the train or your DH can drive you. He doesn't have to take time off work, and even if he did, why is that a problem? You could just go for a night/weekend.
I'm also wondering why they can't put you up..is there not a sofa you could sleep on? But anyway, you could get a B&B/hotel.
This is why I'm saying there is clearly something going on behind this failure to compromise on both sides. It is easier for you to do the travelling ( you are younger than me, and I have just returned from visiting DS where I slept on sofa cushions)but there is a reason you are not telling us why you refuse to put yourself out.

I think your son and DIL are being dicks if I'm honest - who moves 3.5 hours away but never goes back to visit their parents?

All the posters saying "it's too long for children to travel"...... bollocks!

We took DS all over from he was weeks old.

Folk are just to precious these days.

I would probably be the bigger person @changinghairstyle and make the effort to visit once a year as a PP suggested go for a few days and you and DH make a holiday of it or visit them on the way to holiday destination of the way home, staying over for a night and spending a day with them.

After that it's on them if they want to see you more.

I don't think the OP has ever actually said this......

She said she has never got to see her grandchildren.

@FrangipaniBlue she has said this.

’I've never got to see my grandchildren yet I have seen on Facebook her family with the children.’

good grief
no wonder they don’t come
you don’t say where you are - it could be that you
live somewhere they really do not want to return,
drove off singing “we gotta get outta this place”
to a lovely seaside life where they have a HAPPY family

62 is nothing agewise - perhaps you have antagonised
your son and dil as much as you have exasperated the
helpful posters here

From OP’s last post:

I've never got to see my grandchildren yet I have seen on Facebook her family with the children.

If this is true, then there's a bigger backstory than we're getting. I'm further away from my parents but the second I went into labour they were in the car on the way down. My mum had already told her boss there was holiday going to be booked around that time and she was coming whether it was early or late.

@changinghairstyle have you let your son have a child without going to visit as a newborn? Are you aware that newborns can't spend that long in a car seat so at that point travelling to you wasn't an option? I make the effort to go see my parents, but if they hadn't come to me to meet my child when she was born, I probably wouldn't want to pack her into a car for a long trip to see them because it'd feel like they didn't care.