Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

I live over 300 miles from my parents. I don't drive - one of them does, one doesn't, they are not together, so one won't drive the other iyswim. I can count on one hand how many times I have visited them, as a result of the fact that I can count on precisely no hands the amount of times they have bothered to visit me.

I know when I have children, neither will bother their arses to come visit, either. This mortifies me. In fact, it actually really hurts - as we close at some point in our lives.

You have a husband who drives, your son has had three children, and yet neither you as your son's mother, nor his dad have bothered to visit your grandchildren - across THREE children. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Your stubborn behaviour is not just impacting you - it's impacting your son, and your grandchildren who have no idea who you are.

If you had actually bothered to visit even once or twice, you'd have more of a leg to stand on for being upset at no return visits. For all you know, you daughter in laws mum has visited them, hence why they bother with her.

It's your son, and his babies. What is wrong with you?

I really don’t think that your son and his wife are being unreasonable. Driving 3.5 hours with a 1 year old baby and 2 young children would turn into something closer to 5 hours. A baby can’t be strapped into the car seat for 3.5 hours straight. They would need to have breaks.

I have had to do a couple of long distance drives when my dd was under two (unfortunately it was unavoidable) and it was nowhere near as easy and straightforward as doing long distance driving with adults.

Yabvu to not show them understanding and for making this all about you and your resentment and contempt for your Dil. How do you think it makes your son feel to know that his mum hates his wife so much?

And neither your son or his wife have done anything wrong at all in moving so far away because they want to live by the sea. That is their prerogative. Life is short. Why not live where you want to live? People move away from family all the time. It’s pretty normal.

My FIL had a stroke and can barely walk, can’t use one half of his body. And yet one month after our baby was born he (with MIL) FLEW across the ocean to see their grandchild. So did my parents.

You must have clearly forgotten what it is like to have small children. You’re not old at all and not working is your choice. My FIL can’t get up on his own if he falls, can’t use his hand at all, can only walk (barely) on a flat surface… and he still decided to not quit work. He’s such a champ and an incredible example to my children. We all make our own choices in life.

I also thought all of this! You should go and see them sometimes and they should come and see you sometimes.. you’re both going to have to compromise

The OP has not specifically answered if her health conditions make it impossible for her to take a train or coach, but she did indicate that the reason why her husband cannot take her was to do with his work, rather than because she is not able to sit in a car for 3.5 hours, so I am assuming that public transport would work. Can she get a taxi to the station or ask a friend to give her a lift, and get her daughter in law or son to pick her up at the station when she arrives? If it is a complex journey that would involve a change, perhaps there could be a compromise, where she goes the first leg by herself by train and is collected by car at what would be the intermediate station.

I agree with other posters that trying to lug three small kids cross country and then trying to get them all to bed in another house is challenging. I live overseas and do do this, but it’s not easy. And I have only two, with a much bigger age gap.

Op just go and stay a week if you can, should be nice in the UK over the next week so being by the sea will be good

Those saying “It’s not that far for the parents and kids, what do people do when they go on holiday?” Honestly, a lot of people with three or more kids really rein in holidays during those years when the kids are all young, and just go to places that are very easy to access or even do “staycations” with little day trips rather than travelling for a couple of years until the youngest is out of the most difficult stage.

It’s just very hard to make it work. I live in a country where the train is always a good option, but trains are so expensive for a whole family in the UK. And the roads get hellishly congested at times of year when this family is most likely to be able to get a way for a long weekend. I think getting stuck in traffic jams on holiday weekends with kids must be suicide-inducing.

Nowadays, there are also much stricter rules about car seats and not leaving babies in them too long, so breaks are essential.

I remember my parents telling about visiting their own parents. Both sets of parents refused to travel, so my parents were stuck dragging the kids to them every single time. I used to get car sick. Both me and my sis, as tiny tots, used to play up the whole journey, then fall asleep right about half an hour before arriving. So that it was then impossible to get us to bed at night, esp in a different location which throws kids off their schedules anyway. This was back in the 80s and my mother has talked about what a nightmare it all was and how much she resented her MIL and DM for refusing to come to them, so this is not necessarily about “modern snowflake parents” or whatever.

Car seat laws and rules get stricter every year, and kids spend more and more years strapped into ever-more gigantic car seats, which are a huge pain and cause a lot of kids to get travel sick or scream non stop, esp with rear-facing rules getting longer each year. One of mine was hysterical in the car seat until she was two; thank God we mostly had alternatives, because it would have really restricted us.

I moved my family 100 miles away from my in laws after being widowed. Life by the sea is lovely and a great place for kids to grow up.
My in laws don’t drive either and I have to travel the 2 hour journey and back with my 3 children. My in laws have space but are not keen on us staying so we normally have to do it in a day or very rarely stay in a hotel. It’s very expensive for us to keep visiting them, I also have to take my own food for me and the children as they don’t have much in, but otherwise we don’t get to see them and we moved away 🤷🏼‍♀️.

I think you should go and see them, unless of course your GP advises it isn’t safe to travel but it doesn’t sound like that would be the case.

If you do that not only will you get to see them, but you will have shown that you are prepared to break the stand off and make the effort. The more of a relationship you build with them, and the more you show willing, the harder it will be for them to sideline you.

You might even find that staying elsewhere is good as it gives you a chance to have a break if being around the children is tiring or there is any atmosphere with DIL.

Oh so it's his wife's fault? Your daughter's life is different from your son's. They aren't the same people / families.

If you miss them so much then make the trip. So your husband can drive he just isn't taking you because you're upset with your son because his wife's family sees the children often and you don't? And it's his wife's fault for putting a wedge between you two when you've always been so close ?

Be the bigger person, this is not something to make a stand about unless you want to shoot yourself in the foot and never ever see your grandkids. Opt to be compassionate and supportive of them and go see them as it works best for them in the middle of intense and exhausting child rearing years. Yes you have health issues but you’re not 92. Go spend a long weekend by the seaside, your DH can take Monday and Friday off two or three times a year to see his own blood. You can always train it there independently also.

I can see why they won't visit. OP has turned the family against them. So it sounds like nobody else in the family makes an effort to go and visit the son. You sound like such a pain OP - I am sorry to say. It doesn't sound like you will ever see them again.

Wow, my parents live abroad and travel 8 hours + to see me and their granddaughter. They stay with us but have also stayed in hotels nearby if there was no room. I visit them as well when I can but they would move heaven and Earth to see their kids/grandkids. I can't believe you couldn't make a 3.5 hour journey in 6 years to see your grandkids! You obviously don't care about being in their life, so they don't bother with you.

Book accommodations near your son and if your husband refuses to drive you there he is a total prick. Take a cab.

Op no matter your efforts to hide your narcissistic beliefs… your son and his family are better off without you.

So did we. When my firstborn was 6 days old, breastfed, by train, 250 miles to celebrate my husband's grandma's 90th (500 miles return). But there was no pressure to do so and it wasn't at all expected (although they were obviously delighted to see us). And my inlaws had already done a day trip(!) to visit us and our baby the day after she was born. And we had a really good relationship already. They aimed to visit us 3 times a year and we did the same (they've sadly passed away now). There's absolutely no way I would have done all this for the OP and her family though.

Unless I’m mistaken it sounds like you’ve not visited your grandchildren at all even as newborns. That would cause me enough hurt not to bother much with visiting you.
If you want a relationship you need to start repairing it and go visit. When the children are older they can come to you then.
Your reasoning of other family want to see them, is neither here nor there. He’s talking about a visit to see you (other family members just sound petty not arranging to see them until they’ve visited you).
Life really is too short, you’ve missed out a lot already. I could be wrong but your health conditions don’t sound as if they’d stop you hoping on a train. So if you have the means book accommodation and travel and spend time with your son.

I would absolutely love to hear this from DS/DIL perspective…

You mean like the right thing to do is go and meet your newborn grandchild who is your son's first born?

The fact OP hasn't is why her son doesn't feel like it's worth it or the right thing to do. Why drag your kids that far to meet someone not interested in them?

Where I live we are a minimum of 90 miles from a beach that is considered "walkable". But thanks for explaining the geography of my own location to me

Please stop being so stubborn and visit your grandchildren already. You’re going to miss out on so much. Make the effort.

Wow!! You've NEVER visited them and yet expect them to come to you?! No way would I be doing that for someone who hadn't once come to see me!

It's really sad you make no effort. You'll have no relationship with your child or grandchildren.

I always find the obligation to see the whole family when I go back up hard work. I don't like all of them, some of them are difficult to be around, and because of work and other commitments back home, I'm usually only able to go up Saturday morning and home Sunday afternoon. So it's limited time.

Sometimes, I just want to see mum and dad. I don't want to spend my limited time with them trying to fit in everyone else too.