Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

I agree with this, it's clear you are able to travel so this isnt just an issue of your health. You just dont want to.

You have no relationship with your grandchildren because you've made no effort to see them and now you're hurt and shocked that you dont have a relationship with them- what a shocker!

I simply dont believe that in 6 years, your husband wasn't able to drive you even once to see them. Actions have consequences so I am afraid you have brought this entirely on yourself. Stop playing the victim and start examining your own part in this because you have caused this situation. I'd be absolutely devastated if my mum couldn't be arsed to come and see me when my baby was born.

Wow you've got the whole family involved in not visiting them?

You need to wise up and get on a bloody train, or learn to drive if that's possible for you.

It needs to be a two way street. 3.5 hours is not far, it's not like you do it every week! I have to say, from what I understand you haven't met the 1 year old?! If that's the case then you've lost the argument in my view. Get your husband in the car and go.

I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren

Miss the grandchildren?- you've never even met them.

I wouldnt be dragging three kids to see my parents if in 6 whole years they couldn't be bothered to come and see me even once when they were born. Your son must be so incredibly hurt and I dont blame him.

When you're on your deathbed, having not seen your son and grandkids, I seriously doubt you'll be happy with this decision.

Have you not had a holiday in six years? I bet you have, and can miraculously go away but can’t manage a visit your son and tiny grandchildren. Your husband can easily drive you but he chooses not to, why? Because you are both hell bent on punishing your poor son for having the audacity to follow his dreams and live by the sea. What utterly awful parents you are.

The rot and resentment will set in soon, if it hasn’t already, there will be no coming back from that.

This basically sums it up.

Dont go OP. As PP have said, on your deathbed, you'll at least have the satisfaction of "winning" this battle. I am sure that will bring you great comfort in your last breaths on earth wont it 🙄

She hasn't met any of them! Not even when they were born. I think not bothering to meet their first child as a newborn 6 years ago has probably pushed her son and DIL away, why would they make the effort now with 3 small kids in tow for someone who can't do the same in return!

Wow you haven't met any of them? How ridiculous on your part.

Oh my word. I live 2.5hrs away from my DM and she comes up once a week to look after DD (which i greatly appreciate!) I'm home at the very least once a month?!

I know you have health issues but you can be driven there no problem. It's pretty shocking to be fair.

Well 40 pages on and post after post saying the same thing and op has done a disappearing act.

Unable to face the truth and reality of her cruel decisions. Somehow I know she would rather be miserable than do anything to fix this. I hope her son has a happy life and the other side of his family treat him with love and respect, his parents have failed him for sure.

Seeing your gc should be more important to you than them coming to you so I think you are being unreasonable. Much easier for you to travel than the other way around. I think you feel pushed out by your dil but also that you haven't been proactive enough.

I didn't realise you hadn't bothered even with the first grandchildren. You were 56, with minor issues of a bad back, diabetes and a heart condition. You were not permanently hospitalised. I expect 90% of grandparents have more significant health problems; you don't seem to realise most people have sub-optimal health as they get earlier, but embracing the state of being incapable is more of an issue. None of those health issues prevent others from taking train journeys to see loved ones, it is only your selfishness. As for your DH, who is able to drive too, he's a disgraceful human as well to never want to see his grandchildren. You should both be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves.

They expect my husband to take time off work and drive down, he isn't bothered about going if they won't come to us because if they come to us they can see all the family so it makes more sense but if we go it's just us.
It was their choice to move so far away and now I never see them because they say it's a long way

So your husband works 7 days a week does he, all year round, and never has any annual leave or weekends off? Not once in 6 years has he ever had a few days off work?

What utter BS.

Urgh. I'm sorry but I have little sympathy with grandparents who have endless free time refusing to get on a train.

Yet they expect working people with tiny kids to do long drives.

YABU.

We’re in this position.
very one sided and all about her family.
cant drive 1.5 hours for a family get together but regularly drive that far for her family.
cant stay with us because of their routine but can stay fir extended periods with her family.
don’t celebrate Christmas with us but do with her family.
She makes the rules but our ds doesn’t appear to challenge them.
We have tried lots of approaches to the issue. None seem particularly effective so we tend to do what they want on occasions so we can maintain some sort of relationship with our ds but we sometimes draw the line.
Funnily enough we’re close enough for them to ask to borrow money.
We know a few of our friends where this has happened when they marry or are in a relationship. All are heartbroken by it and all have tried different ways to deal with it. None have been successful.

40 pages of almost unanimous YABU. I don't think we'll be seeing @changinghairstyle back again. I hope she goes to visit and puts an end to the stalemate.

Train? Coach? Fly?

And they live near the sea so I assume quite a few B and Bs.

None of my grandparents could drive, that did not stop them visiting.

One went to see her grandchildren in Australia.

If you're still reading @changinghairstyle maybe your focus should be on improving your health so the journey isn't so onerous. You're still relatively young but you seem determined to regard yourself as an invalid when it's within your control to change this.

Another poster mentioned obesity. Your list of health problems do sound as if they are coming from that direction. Diabetes Type 2 is certainly reversible now in some people, with weight loss and medical support.
And this would also help your joint (knees and back) and your heart problems.

Has your GP not offered to support you with some of this?

You are living in an echo chamber with your family saying you should lay down ultimatums and not visit until they do.

If you continue with this awful stubborn attitude you will lose your son and grandchildren.

I am not surprised that your DIL can’t face you staying . It would be too much. You need to build bridges .

So have I got this right? You’ve never visited them? Never met any of the grandchildren?

How sad and stubborn this situation is.

I wouldn't be keen to do a 3.5 hour journey with those age of kids, to see family that don't bother with me. Mine are rubbish travellers though.

But mainly, I can't believe that you're willing to 'die on this hill' and just not know your grandchildren. If I were you and felt like you did, I would suck it up and go (maybe secretly feel a bit jaded that it's never returned) BUT think it's 100% worth it to know my grandchildren.

If you are physically able to get the train and can afford a hotel, just do it.

lechatnoir

Seriously op this is a case of cutting your nose off despite your face

It's "to spite your face"

If you continue with this awful stubborn attitude you will lose your son and grandchildren

Yes, in a few years (and they fly by) the kids will be teenagers and by that point you will be a stranger to them and they wont want to spend any time with you at all.

I cant understand this ridiculous need to be "right" when it comes at such a high emotional price. They have documented the biggest regrets of dying people and they are always things like "I wish I had spent more time with family and friends". I dont recall anyone ever reporting "I wish I had been proved right more often in family arguments".

I find this so very sad.

It might not be so much the journey & staying with Op as being expected to see everyone else as well.

Maybe they feel it would be nice for anyone to make an effort for them!