Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

So your husband could drive down on a Friday night or Saturday and come home Sunday but that’s a no. Yes you expect them to drive with children as young as 1….

I can see where your son gets his my way or the highway attitude from.

Now harshly coming home isn’t coming home to them or a nice fun place to visit including packing up three children on the only 2 days off a week they actually get as a family. It’s being seen as a chore, much like you are seeing going to them as a not worth the effort chore.

They have moved by the sea presumably to raise their children enjoying the beach and sea. They likely see that as a fun trip for you. You don’t because you need to book somewhere to sleep. Have you tried asking if they could juggle a bedroom
free.

Two options. Never visit them and never complain. Just like they can never complain if they don’t ever visit.

Or you all put your egos to one side and sort something.

Does your son and dil never travel further than 5 minutes from home with the kids?

To be honest I keep reading on MN how utterly horrendous or even impossible it is to travel any distance with children. Anyone would think we were talking about trekking barefooted for a month in the Himalayas.

I used to visit relatives in West Wales (4 hour drive from me) for the weekend with 3 young kids plus a dog and camping gear loaded up. That was 40 years ago before disposable nappies and all the mod cons.

Seriously, get a grip. I bet they'd drive 4 hours to go on holiday or 4 hours faffing around getting a flight abroad.

YABU. If you want to see them, make the plans to go see them and stay in a hotel or alternative.

I understand you must miss them. In this case, with those age dynamics, and the work-life set up, I think this is on you to travel.

I think you sound stubborn and rigid in your expectations. You are retired, you have a lot of time You COULD go, but wont because you think they should. I am old enough to have grandchildren and I think your world has shrunk, you have got used to seeing things only from your point of view and think others should make all the effort. Three kids 6 and under is a big effort, and driving 3-4 hours twice in a weekend - which is all they will have off, its a lot, and you could do it so much more easily ...

so, make your choice, step down from your high horse and make an effort or lose your son and his family

I have a similar situation with my DM (I guess I'm kind of in your son's position although I don't have DCs). She moved a 4 hour drive away about 10 years ago, and lives near DB, SIL & 4 DGCs. In all that time, she has been to visit me once, DB and family, never. I'm expected to do all the travelling, and when I was younger, single and had less responsibilities, I did it fairly regularly as it was easier for everyone else. It pissed me off, but I did it.

It's more difficult now for me for various reasons, but she still thinks I should go and visit her, she won't come here because she doesn't want to drive, and doesn't 'do' public transport (this isn't an age thing, it's been like this forever). I've offered to meet in the middle, no thank you she says.

So...she hasn't seen me in 3 years. Which I am fine about, and she is not, but still won't make any effort. You feel strongly about seeing your son and GCs, you make the effort unless it is absolutely impossible for you to travel, which it doesn't sound like it is.

I think you should make the effort. They have 3 kids including a 1 year old. You must remember how difficult it was at that age when they are constrained to a car when all they want to do is run around!

What does your H do with all his leave? Surely at least 3 days could be given over to seeing your GDCs?

You and your husband are being unreasonable and selfish.

You're clearly sad and hurt that your son moved far away and that he doesn't want to return to visit you and the rest of the family, as you think he should. Well, he probably should, but I also understand not wanting to make all that effort (and yes, travelling with children aged 6, 3 and 1 is a big effort) for people who don't want to make an effort for him.

Your husband can drive. He is the problem. He could easily drive both of you to visit your son and grandkids.

All Your posts read as if you see yourself as the victim and feel sorry for yourself but actually you have responsibility for this situation and you have the power to control your own actions; you could show your son that you care about him and his children by making the effort to visit him.

Parental love is supposed to be unconditional, I know that I love my children unconditionally, and I would always make an effort for them even if they don't return it for me.

I can see your side, I know it's not easy making a long journey by public transport when your health isnt the best, and the cost is an issue but in your position I would certainly make the effort and put a positive spin on it for the sake of my grandchildren. I'd make the most of it have a fun minibreak, book a lovely AirB&B and enjoy the seaside. If the family sees you as fun grandma they will be more likely to have a good relationship than if you saw them more often but it wasn't such a nice visit. Plus if they see you are making an effort both your DH and DS will probably realise this means a lot to you and maybe do more to facilitate the visits, but if not at least the DGC will appreciate your visits when you can manage them.

@changinghairstyle

I just don't think you are getting how difficult it is to work full time and navigate a 3.5hr+ journey to somebody else's house with 3 young DC. It's a real ball ache, multiple people have told you this who have been through it.

It doesn't matter that you have more bedrooms - it is still a ball ache.

It's actually really hard work, as although your home might be 'child-proofed' - you won't have the same stuff (toys / nappy change station / food in the fridge / colouring-craft table / train set / dressing up clothes/ hot wheels track / lots of choice of books / cuddly toys / dinosaurs / jigsaws / orchard toys shopping list, llamas in pyjamas.....................................) that DC use for about 5 mins max, then move onto something else, to make their lives easier.

As I explained in my previous post, for the next 3 or 4 years, it would be far simpler for you to visit them more than they visit you.

I have been your DS. I thank my lucky stars that my DPs didn't think the same as you and your DH. They came down to me far more often than I went to them, sometimes, I only went to visit them once a year. Thankfully my DPs came to me and they understood we were busy.

You are the person that will miss out here. Your DS & DIL and GC will just get on with their lives. Your GC will know no different so won't be 'missing' anything.

Please try to see how busy they are and how much harder it is to visit you with 3 young DC. Drive, get a train or coach. Go and see them, don't get entrenched in this tit for tat thinking.

I think your son needs to shut his gob tbh. If he moves so far away then it’s understandable that there are going to be issues visiting - plus you can’t even stay there overnight it’s not as if they are making it easy for you is it?

OP it looks like you’re going to have to spend the weekend down there if you want to see the kids. Maybe book a nice hotel with a spa and treat yourself whilst there - and go by yourself.

Sod your DH as well - sounds like your ds is very similar to his dad.

Yes, I agree. We are in your situation and see our DS and DGS four or five times a year. It's easier for us to travel to Scotland from SE England than it is for them to travel south with DGC and dogs! It's a damn sight longer than 3 hours but we love to see our DS and family and they love we make the effort 😀

Nose. Face. Cutting.

Do you want to see your grandkids or not?

You sound resentful that they had the audacity to move to the sea because they wanted to. As far as I am concerned they are living the dream, I would do it myself but unfortunately have too many older relatives I am responsible, by the time I am able to move away I will probably be too old. Good for them moving to somewhere they actually want to live their life and establishing themselves there early in their family. I’d be happy for them.

Getting on the train down to the seaside to see your son and grandchildren (you didn’t mention your DIL) sounds like a lovely way to spend a few days when the weather is nice.

So he's another twat who's taken the easy option of leaving all the planning of socialising to his wife, who naturally prioritises her own family as she should, and now he is making himself feel better by blaming you for it.

OP, just leave them to it.

Concentrate on your other other families and their dc.

How old are you OP?

You do sound rather bitter, which is a huge shame. Perhaps embrace the situation and holiday where they live as others have suggested.

How about face timing your grandchildren?

My parents moved heaven and earth to come and see us when we lived at the opposite ends of the country.

Jesus Christ I’ve got three kids - it wasn’t that hard ffs. We used to drive 7 hours to Cornwal - like thousands of others do every year.

He can’t be arsed. That’s the top bottom of it. Parents these days think they are the only people to have ever had kids and become so brittle towards any fucker else then wonder why people are not falling over themselves to spend time with them.

But yes - OP will have to make the journey if she wants to see the kids - because her ds and his wife don’t give a shit about it

If you want a relationship with your grandkids then you need to make some effort.

I live 5000 miles from my parents, to come and see me and their grandkids, they need to apply for a visa, spend thousands of £££ to fly 2 flights, hours of wiating in between then 2
hrs of car journey from arrival, takes total of 24 hours door to door. They dont speak English, so passing the border can be a bit scary too. Yet they have made effort to come. When they are here, they stay with us in our house (much smaller than theirs), cook for us, treat us, spend a great time with the kids. When we visit them, they always offer to pay for our flights too knowing it is expensive for a family of 4.

My in laws on the other hand live much closer (2 hour flight), retired, no visa needed, but cant be bothered to drive or fly. They dont want to come when kids are in school but complain that the tickets are too expensive during school holidays, yet expect us to go and visit them knowing we can only go at school holidays and will cost us even more as there are 4 of us.

The contrast is so unbelievable! Guess what, we see them much less than my parents, well not a problem for me at all.

I live a 4h flight away from my parents. They made the effort to come to me when the children were young and I could only visit once a year. Now that they are elderly and no longer fly, I travel to see them more often. It works both ways.

Agreed. To tell your mum that they will never visit her again but to keep visiting your wife's parents is one thing, and then to blame OP, who is in poor health, as the reason she won't see her grandchildren is terrible.

Your the parent, be the bigger person and go and visit.
Maybe once you've made the effort a few times they might come back (I suspect there is more to this story)

…. But the children’s grandfather can’t take a couple days off work so they can both go there?

there’s much more to this story than OP is sharing with us

I mean that’s the point isn’t it.

Gojng to Cornwall was fun and you wanted too. They do not want to travel to the old family home to sit around mums house basically they do not see that as fun/worth it, especially if she won’t ever go to them.

They want mum/granny to come to them to explore and have fun with them. Op doesn’t see that as fun though or worth it and wants them to traipse after her.

If my options where go to mums house once every 2/3 months to sit around in the old town/city with three bored children or stay home by the sea with all my gear it’s a no brainer, it’s stay home. If the options where stay home or a fun experience holiday again. No brainer holiday wins then.

If it was three times a year I visit mum and three times she visits me, I’d suck it up. If mum couldn’t never be arsed nor would I be, I’d see it as her loss missing out on the grandkids.

Yabu. It's a lot harder for them than you. Could you take the train or coach. Is there accommodation near by you could stay in if not able to in the house.

My in laws live a good day of travelling away. Before MIL died, they visited us 5 times in 10 years. They simply couldn't be bothered and expected us to visit them instead. We did, three times a year. It used up almost all our annual leave and we spent most of the time sitting in their house.

It upset me that they were willing to miss out on seeing their grandchildren grow up. They were happy to miss out on spending time with these lovely, funny kids.

@changinghairstyle are you really willing to miss out on spending time with your grandchildren and son, who you say you miss, because they won't make the drive? Be the bigger person, get on a train or a coach and travel to them. Book a hotel or b&b. Make the effort. It is far better to make the effort than it is to wistfully stare into the distance and say how much you miss seeing family. Especially as you have the ability to see them.

Honestly, when I think about the people who put barriers in their own way i just want to give their heads a wobble.

@Ritadidsomethingbad

Did you read what I said?

I was suggesting OP visits her son more often in the next few years than he does them. Which I think is a fair compromise. She and her DH seems to think that it should be 50:50 which I think just won't happen with her DS's life-stage.

Of course we've all done long journeys with young DC and survived. Doesn't mean we want to do it more than is necessary.