Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

You're not getting any younger, that's true - so in a few years if you are in poor health it would be reasonable to expect them to come to you. Their DC will be older then too. But at the moment it should be you making the trip IMO.

My grandmother lived a few hours away from us as my parents had moved away from London to get cheaper housing but she always took a coach or a train to see us and usually stayed a week.

My younger brother had to give up his room and sleep in with mum and dad so that my grandmother could have a room to herself.

My DH lived in Manchester with his parents but his Grandparents were in London and the other set were
on the south coast. They travelled to see each other a few times a year.

People just have to make the effort if they really want to see each other.

Fault on both sides here I think OP.

How old are you OP and how does your health situation affect you ... are you able to get a train or coach or does this rule that out?

I'm curious why it takes 3.5 hours to drive 150 miles ... that seems a long time.

Anyway, I'm quite surprised at the amount of people on here who won't drive far with small kids, we used to regularly drive miles with ours for a weekend away. Yes it can be a pain at times but the more you do it the more they get used to it and you work out what's needed/works etc.

I think you both need to compromise, you need to get the train or coach (on your own if need be, your DH can stay at home if he feels like that), and your son and his family also need to come to see you occasionally, school hols or similar.

You are all being unreasonable, but you more than your son.

My parents are 165 miles away. I make the drive with 3 kids (aged 8 to 13) which is fine now, but when they were younger it was stressful!

My parents (in their 70s) also make the journey to stay with us. We don't have a spare room, so we either give them our room and we sleep on the sofa bed, or they stay in a local AirBnB.

You, on the other hand, could just jump on a train or bus to go and see them, and stay in an AirBnB, or perhaps sleep on an air bed in one of the kids rooms?

The expression "cut off your nose to spite your face" springs to mind.

You’re choosing not to see your grandchildren out of sheer stubbornness.

YABU. I have a disability & don’t drive, but I’ve travelled the length and breadth of the UK, with & without the children. DH drives, but I don’t rely on him to go anywhere!

My (now adult) kids are coming to the stage in their lives where they have partners and are thinking about children. One plans to move to Scotland (we’re south east England) and DS lives with his partner on the opposite side to London from us, but we expect they’ll move to the US at some point.

When grandchildren arrive, as they surely will, I’d be happy to travel across the world to visit, because that’s what you do.

I’m wondering if there is more to this than meets the eye; criticism of their new home is odd, perhaps there’s an in law issue at play. I adore my daughter & son in law, so animosity isn’t an issue here.

I’d jump at the chance to visit them at the seaside and a train or coach journey and a few days in a cheapo caravan (or lightweight camp, I’m an old hand even with my sticks & crutches) sounds blissful.

The only thing that is stopping you, is you.

I can see both perspectives here, if your son and his wife work full time then they can presumably only travel the 3.5 hours to see you on a Saturday and back on a Sunday. With small children I can see that they'd prefer not to do that, it's a lot of time in the car over a weekend and then back to work on Monday. Are you working? If you're available to travel in the week, I'd get a train and a local hotel (for comfort) and take your time travelling so you're there in good time to enjoy a full weekend with them. Going away for the weekend with kids when you work can be full on and so I appreciate they would prefer you to visit them. Don't let this come between you, compromise on a solution

It’s called cutting your nose off to spite your face.
If you want to see your grandchildren then go, if you don’t, then don’t go.

Well - if you dont want to go and he won't come - you both just won't see each other and you miss out on your grandchildren then - its no ones fault, both dont want to travel so... fwiw - my parents fly from another continent to see us - my dad is 77 and mum 72. Its cheaper and we have two young kids. They understand and dont mind. You do. So dont go - your son isn't forcing you.

I imagine part of the issue as far as your ds and DIL are concerned is that you expect them to spend their time seeing all the extended family as well when they visit. That’s not fun and a pretty shit way for small children to spend their time.

your dh can drive. You could go visit. He chooses not to, you won’t take the train, so you are accepting not being part of your son and grandchildren’s lives.

you can not make them visit. You can only decide if you want to be a stranger to your grandchildren or not.

As unfair as it seems, it you want to have a relationship with your son and gc, you need to make the effort to visit. I have 3 dc and visit my parents every couple of months but it is a HUGE undertaking whilst also trying to work. Parents visit us once a fortnight.

Yes they find time to see her mum and have holidays together but then of course there's no time off left to see us.

It should be give and take here I think

it’s a lot on a 7 hour round trip for them to pack up stuff for 3 kids and use al their weekend for a visit when they work but I totally see your view too and I do feel for you

The move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

How lovely for them and their children, lucky things. Fabulous they're grabbing their chance of happiness. Nobody would begrudge them that.

Perhaps you can take a train.

"I'm curious why it takes 3.5 hours to drive 150 miles ... that seems a long time."

I'm not surprised at all - depends so much on the roads. My commute to work is along an A road (mostly single carriageway, lots of roundabouts) and ithe quickest I've ever managed the 35 mile trip is 50 minutes, in the morning I allow 90. Getting to the coast often seems to involve smaller/slower roads too.

Woah hang on, your husband is his dad, your husband can drive, and it’s not a given that you will regularly turn up for a few days to see your grandchildren? Maybe the fact his dad doesn’t care about his grandchildren has pissed him off and he thinks if his dad loves them he’d bloody well drive to visit them!!

Do her parents visit them?

Maybe her parents are more loving than you and “can’t be bothered” DH?

You can’t change anyone’s behavior but your own. I’d suggest you decide which you would rather have: a relationship with your dgc or the satisfaction of not having to travel?

We are about 3.5 hours from my grandparents. We've reached the stage we meet in the middle. They live midlands, we live dorset. We meet in Oxford. We can all do as a day trip

I would go to visit them because I'm happy sitting on a train reading a book and I like to get away. Of course it would be nice of they came to you but if they don't yet feel able to don't throw away the opportunity to spend time with your grandchildren. My son doesn't have children yet but I suspect I will have to travel to visit them if I'm lucky enough to have any in the future.

Reverse?

It's easier for you and your husband to just get in the car and go than it is for a family of 5 with 2 toddlers and all that they require.

Does your husband work weekends @changinghairstyle ? Have they said you can stay with them?

If you want to see them go to see them. You can't get someone else to do something that you want unfortunately. Of course it would be nice if they wanted to do it, but you've said yourself they don't.

My parents live far away and my husband never comes with us, luckily I work term time and can travel to see my parents.

They don't want to come and stay with you so your choice is travel to see them or don't see them

Your husband should drive you to see your son and grandchildren few times a year. But you all sound like awkward difficult people in your various ways!

Maybe they enjoy spending time with the other grandparents more?