Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

Never further than on average 50 miles from the coast in Britain, the most is 70 miles if you live in Coton in the Elms in Derbyshire.

Elderly? She's 62!

There is only one of you to make the journey & transporting young children all that way can’t be easy . If you want to see them , then make the effort to go . You seem to be cutting your nose off to spite your face. Once you have shown willing to compromise then your DS might do the same . It sounds like a bit of a stand off tbh !

Jesus. If you love your son get your husband to drive you down or get on a bloody train. All this for what? So you can say ‘I’m right.’ You’re lucky you still have 3 DC’s close by. Cannot believe you haven’t even visited once when they’ve had 3 children. Give your head a wobble!!

When you’re down there you can always say ‘I’d love to come more son, but my health is declining and it’s a lot. All the family would love to see you, might you come back and stay for a weekend?’ I bet you’d get a yes. 🙄

If my parents had made no effort to see my children when they were born then I'd have fuck all to say to them too.

OP this is all on you.

I have bad knees and a bad back, diabetes and a heart condition, friends and family all agree I shouldn't give in and travel in my condition

Give in?
So it's definitely a fight.

You're unbelievable.

It's clear that you resent and dislike your daughter in law.
I wonder why that is.

You should both travel to see each other.

I live about 7 hours away from my parents and visit them three times a year (with a one and three year old) and they come to us a few times a year as well.

double posting here with the OP’s updates. Honestly this has to be up there with the most I believable/outrageous things I’ve read on MN. You haven’t met your grandchildren who live a 3.5 hour drive away? How can you not see how disgusting and awful this is? If I was your son I wouldn’t so much as send you a birthday card. Life is too short; you need to try and make amends.

I have an aunt who lives in Australia. She lives alone, has diabetes recently had a hip replacement and had one about 5 or so years ago, has a breathing condition and has just arranged to fly over to the UK to see my cousin together with her newborn for 3 weeks. She's sorting her own accommodation because my cousin quite rightly shouldn't be hosting when recovering from birth. She's knitted so many jumpers because she's been waiting for travel insurance with regards to health so would have been here much earlier to support looking after my cousin's Elder children.

It's not about you. You're no longer the star of the show. It's about the children. You are choosing to not be part of their life. What do you know about their day to day life?

I have Multiple Sclerosis, Epilepsy and I had a stroke a year ago. I get the train monthly to go and see me son/wife and Gchild.

Forgot to say that they are 2h 45min away.

Yes but it gets her the attention and everyone at her beck and call.Its not an invite it’s a summons.

Travelling with two toddlers and a 6 year is my absolute nightmare. I’ve done a similar journey before with similar aged children and I nearly lost it. We had to it 4/5 times. We dreaded it every time. It’s easier for you to go and see them considering their circumstances.

Politely you sound like hard work.
kids don’t want to go stay in a strangers house with no toys, fun stuff, you are stranger to them now and it’s your own fault, book a hotel and go visit them.

On your deathbed are you going to think "I stuck to my guns, hurrah for me" or "shit, I wish I had seen my son and grandkids"

Just book the bloody train and hotel.

This.
What a sad situation you have built for yourself.

However, I agree with @saraclara a few pages back, there is something very odd about the dynamic of the family here, in that I believe you have said that none of your ds's siblings have visited him either ?
Again, I can't imagine any of my dc staying away for very long if
a) one sibling moved to the seaside
or
b) A sibling had a baby, let alone 3.

The whole family sound like there is a very strange relationship.

You have a husband who can drive you. It’s not your son’s fault you choose to make no effort here. I mentioned my mum who needs a wheelchair traveling and is older than you and came a number of times from Australia to see us. You are choosing to not meet your grandchildren and be in their life, I hope you are happy with that decision as they grow up never having known you. They will know it was a choice you made.

I’m starting to wonder if you’ve always chosen to put your son last, it seems feasible reading the excuse after excuse you’ve put here. Just admit it, you can’t be bothered. Nothing would keep me away in your shoes, but I guess everything is a reason to stay away to you.

I have bad knees and a bad back, diabetes and a heart condition, friends and family all agree I shouldn't give in and travel in my condition.

Don't give in. Refuse to visit them and be the Winner.

Talk about a Pyrrhic victory.

Life is too short. You will never get this time back. Book a few days, get your husband to drive, stay somewhere nice together and try to forget all the round and round in circles.

HAVE YOU EVER VISITED THEM SINCE THEY MOVED? 📣

So in your head you are maintaining a SIX YEAR stand-off with your son and his wife?!

It’s telling that they both agree that they can’t manage to have you to stay in their house. Maybe you should ask yourself why they are united on maintaining this boundary It could be as simple as not having room to accommodate you comfortably given that they already have a household of five. It could be more than that.

Your side of the story shows you in a pretty poor light. It’s incredible to me that you haven’t made the effort to travel to meet your grandchildren in six years.

My disabled, suffering from COPD, almost blind Mum flew on her own from Manchester to Athens to visit me when I lived in Greece, wgen she was 75. Twice.

Get the train, OP.

I think you're getting a bit hard time on here op. Mother in laws are always in the wrong and owed nothing.
It could be that the DIL has a problem with you and ds feels stuck in the middle and probably finds it really difficult being estranged from most of his family.

I think you should go and see you're son and grandchildren.

You don't work
You can take a coach or bus
They have small children
They work

I think they should accommodate you

Sorry another vote for you being unreasonable. There's obviously a massive back story here. This line shrieked out at me: I had a close relationship with him until he met his wife...

Did you say or do something to cause the relationship to no longer be close? Or were you unable to accept his close relationship with his wife?

Sounds to me like you haven't been able to accept that your DS found a woman he could have a closer relationship with than his mum.

Sorry if I'm assuming something untrue, but your tone is so bizarre that it's difficult to not suspect something like this.

I think you’re building unnecessary barriers for yourself here.
My mother is 64 and sounds as though she has some pretty similar health issues. We moved to a different country eleven years ago and despite there being no direct flights (so she has to fly from her home airport, to London and then onwards to us) she has visited at least twice a year ever since. We’re not even close, she just wants to be in her grandchildren’s lives.
Likewise my in laws also live in another country. MIL is in remission from cancer, FIL has heart issues among other things. They’re much older than my mother and still come at least yearly.

In return, we are more than happy to load everyone up for yearly visits to each of them (I’d go more but seeing them each once a year already blows through our leave and holiday finances)