Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

Wow the way you wrote your OP I assumed you were in your 80s.
I know you have health issues but there is nothing to stop you from getting a train.
You seem to want to be the matriarch with all 4 of your children running around after you.

I am like your son my parents live 3 hours away. My mum has never forgiven me for moving away as I couldn’t afford to live in anything bigger than a 1 bed flat in my old home town. I have a 3 bed house where I am. The last time my parents visited me was pre covid. They use the cars of well I chose to move away 20 years ago so it’s my fault they don’t visit. I haven’t had a Xmas in my own home in 20 years as I drive between both sets of grandparents every year as they don’t like to leave their houses at Xmas. I even took a train heavily pregnant to visit my parents with a toddler in tow. I feel so forgotten by my parents but I do it so my children at least know them. It’s so hard though when your working full time, can only go school holidays.

please make the effort to go and see your son even it’s once a year he would really appreciate it as I know I would

I agree MILs always get a hard time and if this was just about the logistics then of course it would be reasonable that the son comes every so often.

But as you put it, they are estranged. They couldn't be arsed to go see his children when they were born which I think is really what has everyone stirred up.

The stuff about DIL is conjecture - the OP has no idea what her son or his wife are thinking as she has no relationship with them.

I think the overwhelming consensus of the thread is that if the OP wants a relationship, they have to be the one to make a change and an effort.

I’m hoping you come back for further clarification.

Have you ever visited them at all?
Have you ever met the grandchildren?

Agree with the general consensus that this really is on you. In the last 6 years (or more?) you could easily have got public transport, asked your husband to drive you. I can’t believe you haven’t made the effort to see the newborn but expect them to come to you.

You really aren’t that much older than me (and again I also have similar health issues) but I would move heaven and earth to see my children. It’s also easier for you as you have more time whereas they are working, have school, young children etc so cramming long journeys into weekends is harder. Ultimately you get out of a relationship what you put in though.

Can't you sit in a car while your h drives you?

So you didn't visit them even when they had a newborn? And you have no intention of visiting them but you expect them to drag three young DC across country regularly to visit you, taking time off work from two jobs when working parents end up needing their leave to cover school hols?

You seem incredibly resentful of them having the temerity for moving without your approval. So she grew up near the sea and this is presumably where they have returned to live? Blaming it all on the evil DiL for not knowing her place (one street away from you) tells its own story. If your DS wanted to make the trip he could.

You have avoided answering a lot of questions on this thread but at 62 even having taken early retirement are you honestly not able to get on a coach or a train? You are making a choice here to cut your nose to spite your face.

Yes I think they are being very harsh OP. Even your son could bring the oldest two for a few days? I regularly travel in my car to my DP. Also a 3.5 hour trip. I travel at night when they are asleep, just me and two toddlers. It's fine. Although I know everyone has different things they are comfortable with.

That said, if it were me I'd still visit them, even though they're being quite unfair, if just to have a relationship with the grandchildren. Suck up your pride, get your DH to drive, and stay in a hotel. I get you're peeved about them not putting you up either, but silver lining would be that you'll have somewhere clean and quiet to go back to, free from jam up the wall etc. Personally I wouldn't want to be away from the children and wouldn't bear not being able to see them, and would rather put up with your sons terms, unfair though they are x

I’m a mum of a 4yr old similar distance - and I feel that my retired parents with comfortable funds should be the ones to use their leisure time for a visit

my own parents have stubbornly announced that they won’t be doing that, on principle. And so they won’t be seeing their grandchild, will they.
congratulations…

It takes me a 2hour drive, 3hr45min ferry crossing and a further 2hr 30min drive to get to my parents.
I travel a couple of times a year and they come over and visit too,both +75years old.
If you wanted to see them you could get there on trains, or coach with buses etc.
It is more difficult to travel with kids, much better you make the effort an quit moaning.
If you miss them, find a way to get there, they haven't moved to the moon!

I'm wondering if the other family members don't visit because you are emotionally blackmailing them insisting on a show of solidarity ? This whole thing smacks of a very long backstory with strong vibes of wounded matriarch

Just going through some of the posts… I can’t believe you expect a family of 3 children including a newborn to come to travel 3+ hours to see you. Are you hopping mad? The newborn is now 1 and you’ve not seen them? Like seriously?! You’re heartless.

Well I wouldn't expect my dad to travel to see me and he never has, we're not that close, he has health problems and honestly couldn't be bothered.
My mum visits all the time and we see dad only when we visit mum back.
I know full well if I didn't visit I'd never see dad again.
Either you can be bothered and you get up and go or you can't be bothered and you don't.

I don't see why the dilemma took 900+ posts.

I meant the other family members visit your son and DIL

Its unsettling for kids staying in different houses plus they have their clubs and things on. Its tricky travelling with children too. I do think they should come sometimes but I live in a different country to my disabled elderly mum. And she manages to get assistance and gets herself here to see us and her grandchildren

Coaches and trains are your solution here. Train assistance is excellent if you require help

My inlaws are 4 hrs away. When DC was very little, DD would be OK for about 2.5 hours then screamed for the rest of the journey. One of us sat in the back with her to keep her calm / entertained, but it was miserable for everyone and eventually we barely travelled down and in-laws just came to us instead. As theyve aged and DC are older the balance of who can most easily manage long journeys has changed, so we visit them more often now.

Your age is irrelevant, your health is clearly an issue. BUT, regardless of that IF you want to have a relationship with your son and grandchildren then you need to travel to visit them. It makes no difference who us "right" . You want to see them? Make the effort.

Yes it's their choice to move away to an area they want to live in. Just as it's your choice not to get on a train to see your grandchildren

Maybe they don't want to see all the family....

37 pages in less than 12 hours. Bravo.

Oh dear! You have brought your son up to be as stubborn as you and now neither of you will back down.

I'm 60, dh is 64. We have no grandkids yet but would travel to the end of the earth if we did. I know it's about health (dh had a hip op etc and I'm asthmatic) but we're far from old. Dc4 is still at university and we both have no plans to quit work any time soon! However, I know my kids will come from the other end of the country just to give me a hug. We all have to compromise.

My IL’s are quite a distance away from us. FIL also has serious health issues to the point he needs a stick to walk. They always come to see us since the children were born, and appreciated it was far, far easier that way than us packing travel cots, prams, just ALL the little kid crap you need. We don’t have space to accommodate them so they would stay at a local hotel. It was lovely. They really understood that it’s just easier for them to travel when the children are so little. Now they’re older, we reciprocate and have visited them around 4 times and spend a good week there.
You are cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I too think the OP should make an effort , but , even so , it's sad to see nearly 40 pages of strangers piling on to one person .

I hope your not like my FIL who said he couldn't physically manage the 4 hour trip to see us (despite us going to him several times) BUT could magically manage trips to a Greece/Spain/France and Devon all of which took much longer. His grandkids barely know him. Very much his loss

Op didn't have to make a thread appealing for strangers opinions about her attitude.

I have bad knees and a bad back, diabetes and a heart condition, friends and family all agree I shouldn't give in and travel in my condition.

• *What do you mean by "give in"? What is "giving in" about deciding to accept an invitation?

They are not going to come to you - they don't want to - and are quite happy not to see you, it seems. They are not "holding out" - you are in a battle of wills all by yourself.

If you want to see them then go and see them, nothing is stopping you. You are apparantly fit enough to host a family of 5 in your house, you can sit on a bus, or a train, or a coach or a car for the required journey.

When was the last time you saw them though? Will you be a complete stranger to the children now?

My children are similar ages and my parents are 3 hours away. Unless there is a very specific event it is just too far to go for a weekend. 6 year old is in school so you couldn’t leave until afterwards, rush hour traffic becomes a 4.5/5 hour drive not 3.5, when you factor stops in could be 6 hours. Then the same on Sunday to put overtired children with disrupted sleep from sleeping in car etc back into school and nursery on Monday. It’s just not a go-er.

We have to spread annual leave to cover school holidays and do go there about 3 times a year, normally at Christmas time and over a bank holiday if we can make it work.

My parents are in their 70s, have health conditions and come to us more often as they do have the time to make the journey, can travel at off peak times which is quicker, don’t have a toddler who will sleep in the car, be up until 11/12 then take days to settle on their return.

You are very focussed on them coming to you. They’ve got 3 young kids and it’s a long way maybe try and compromise a bit and see them and see if there’s a good time for them to come to you. They are probably struggling to juggle return to work post 1 year old, nursery, preschool and school runs. If you won’t go to them maybe it will be easier for them to visit when the kids are older