Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

I’m flabbergasted by this post. I have a pretty self-absorbed and stubborn family member, but even they made efforts to visit a newborn grandchild despite a distance of nearly 300 miles. Three and a half hours is easy!

There are several things that you could do to make this situation manageable:

Take a train to the nearest mainline station, then take a taxi from there. You can book disability assistance and be looked after all the way. I have a relative in her seventies who has gone the length of the country like this.

Book a taxi driver to take you all the way. Ring around and get several quotes. It may cost much less than you think.

Book a self catering holiday home near where they live.

Ask one of your other children to drive you down and perhaps stay overnight together.

Tell your DH that you need him to drive you down at the first opportunity as you can’t go any longer without seeing your son!

But, in terms of your son, you seem happy enough to ‘let him go’ and ruin any potential relationship with your grandchildren, so quite frankly I am not sure that you even deserve him or them.

There are women on here who never had the chance to have a family, let alone have grandchildren. You should be grateful that they are here walking the green earth rather than moaning about where they live!

You have squandered time that you could have spent with them, through being stubborn and stuck in your ways. But there is still a chance to put things right.

Take it, don’t waste it. You could see them this weekend if you really wanted to.

Mine may be a minority view, but a visit to you even if not in winter is reasonable to expect. If your son and daughter in law both drive, the distance could be a day trip with shared driving.

A day trip? You think a 7 hour journey not factoring in traffic and stops is acceptable or even doable with 3 children in one day?!

Sorry OP you sound resentful when you don’t seem to make an effort.

So your husband taking time off to drive you is a huge ask and not a fair expectation, but them taking time off and travel with 3 children under 6 is absolutely fine?!

Besides the hassle of travelling with such young kids and everything it involves, time and money probably makes more difference to them than to you. You also mentioned that if they come to you they could see all the family, which I understand it comes from a good place, but it can be tiring, stressful and disruptive for the people visiting (and for sure for the children).

"Minority view" - it's literally a ridiculous idea!

I am sorry but you sound a like you have totally made your mind up about your DIL and it sounds like you are blaming her?
Does your son make the effort?!!

You could book a hotel nearby, take a train and go and see them. Take it as a holiday. Once you do that you might break the ice and start to feel differently.

i hear you are unwell, but equally you sound like someone who has given up and everything is an effort.

Why can't you go at the weekend when your husband finishes work? That's what we do. Have the car loaded before hand. DH finishes work on the Friday, then off we go, returning Sunday evening. Or go early Saturday and stay over for 1 night.

Agree
Louds of people take tiny kids on planes for long journeys.
We did long visits ( similar as here, bit longer if there were m25 problems) to our parents in a day with three kids, from birth so for a while we had months old twins and a 3 year old. Add years and years of doing that …no problem.
It was reciprocated by my parents as well.

If they both want to do it they will.
It just doesn’t sound like that’s the case

I can't get over the fact that some pp think travelling with 3 kids in the car is harder than travelling with a massive list of health conditions on public transport.

Or that staying in one of op's three spare bedrooms for free is harder than op paying for a hotel.

I know it's a parenting website but when did parenting become such martyrdom.

Your husband drives so the "I can't drive" is not relevant. My mum does that and it pisses me off to no end. "I can't drive so you have to come to me/pick me up and take me." No but your husband does, so rather than ask us with kids to do the driving ask your own husband.

If you want to see your grandkids go see your grandkids. Sounds like your husband is a piece of work, you sound stubborn, they have three young kids. I wouldn't be making that trip to visit the pair of you. Your son isn't close with you, doesn't enjoy your company and neither of them want to drive that far to be stuck in a house with the pair of you. It's disappointing but that's the way they feel. If you want to see your grandkids, go see them.

Hold on, so they have three children across 6 years and you’ve never once visited them? So have you not seen them in 6 years? You’ve not even gone anywhere nearby when they’ve had NEWBORNS? This is wild, no wonder they don’t want to visit. My mum & MIL drove 300 round trip days to meet my daughter, as they wanted to meet her but not impose staying overnight. They turned up with lunch, dinner, snacks, baby equipment, washed up etc.
you reap what you sow tbh

I also hate the “blame the DIL” trope. Ultimately, it is on the husband to maintain relationships with his relatives. Wives aren’t their husband’s social secretary. In the rare situation where a DIL refuses contact with the husband’s family for no good reason, the husband is still making the decision to go along with it.

Effectively you dug your heels in when they had their first newborn, were probably exhausted and overwhelmed and you point blank refused to visit them. So they in turn have point blank refused to visit you. I don’t really know what you expect.

I think everyone is being stubborn here.

You could get a train and stay with them for a few days, go during the off season so you don't have to pay too much and get them to pick you up a station away to save money.

But they're wrong to say they can't come and see you. Some people really will use their children as an excuse not to ever put themselves out, like having children wasn't their choice to do. I bet they'd travel longer for a holiday.

And yes, I get some children are arseholes to travel with. I had three under three at one time, including twins, but I wanted to see my family so I made the effort to see them. It wasn't always fun - particularly the journey where the clutch fell out of the car - but unlike OP's son, I made sacrifices of long journeys to see the people I love. As did they. Like I made the financial sacrifices to have three children close together.

Ultimately it sounds like you're not important for them to make the effort.

Could you meet with your son and DIL without the children initially, perhaps during school hours and have a chat about what you all need to make this work and then meet the children later when and if you have cleared the air?
I don't think a first meet with the children should happen until you're sure things are going to go well and you've cleared the air.

But the OP doesn’t have to get public transport - she could drive with her husband.

And the OP hasn’t mentioned being too poor to afford a hotel - if she lives in a 4 bedroom house and her husband is still working it’s unlikely, especially as she hasn’t mentioned it.

So you haven’t met your 6 year old grandchild yet??? That’s on you not them! You’re so stuck on the whole they moved away from us for no reason that it didn’t even occur to you (and your husband) to visit your newborn grandchild…or the second grandchild or the third grandchild! No wonder they don’t want to visit, you sound vile! If you can’t be bothered visit a newborn grandchild x 3 in the last 6 years then why would they want to put in the effort to visit you? Don’t play the whole medical condition card, it doesn’t take a massive amount of effort to get in the car and sit there whilst your husband drives, surely there’s been a weekend in the last 6 years that your husband has not been at work so could’ve drove you both there. Please do your son and his family a favour and no longer contact them. They are merely reciprocating the amount of effort that you have put into meeting your grandchildren.

I genuinely can't believe you didn't even make the effort to visit them when the babies were born. You couldn't even be arsed to see your newborn grandchildren. Your husband, fsther of your son, drives, there is zero excuse for that. Why on earth would they make any effort with you.

You are being very unreasonable. My 60-year-old DM (in remission from cancer, high blood pressure, diabetes) takes a 6 hour trip at least four times a year to see me and my babies. It is very appreciated and I try to show my appreciation as much as possible. Once my kids are older we will be the ones visiting most of the time.

This. With bells on.

As the saying goes: play stupid games...

I’d bet my last pound on this situation being more to do with the hurt your son feels than anything to do with your DIL.

I’d guess that the DIL couldn’t really care less about seeing you or not. But I can’t imagine how your son must feel due to you not bothering to travel a few hours to meet his children.

How can you say that you used to be really close when you haven’t gone to meet his children?? We had great grandparents far older than you travelling hours in the car to meet our newborns.

It's a good question which should be asked of the OP. She sounds absolutely awful. She hasn't visited her grandchildren in 6 YEARS. I honestly feel bereft on behalf of her son and his family. He must be devastated and so hurt and ashamed.

This man's own parents can't be bothered to visit his newborn children and support him for not one but three children. His parents are demanding the only way he is ever going to see them again is by him visiting them.

The cruelty and meanness genuinely beggars belief.

Has to be worth it? How about it's just the right thing to do?

The OP is 62.
She was 56 when the eldest Grandchild was born.

"Elderly parents" is irrelevant to this thread.

I am similar age to the OP, and cannot conceive the idea of not travelling a mere 150 miles to meet my new Grandchild. Then going back so many times after that. I would consider WALKING it.

In honesty, before there were even dgc, I would visit my dc wherever they live, to see where it was they lived - as well of course as actually spending time with them.