Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

I can see with children of that age it’s simply easier for you and your husband to visit them. As your husband does drive surely this is an option and you book into a local b&b and make a mini break out of it.

If you show more willingness to go there and spend time with them, things may develop in the future too to make it easier for visits to you when the children are slightly older.

How often are you wanting visits? I'd alternate you go to them at Xmas they come to you at Easter. You go summer holidays they come October half term.

And if your husband drives of course you could do more! Maybe odd long weekend in between if you can afford to.

Neither of you are wrong you are older, potentially less physically able plus no accommodation . They are working full time and have young kids. All valid reasons.

You need to find a compromise

The grandchildren are 6, 3, 1? Good god your poor DIL! She is either pregnant or postpartum and wrangling a newborn 3 times in 7 years. Why no, since you ask, I would not expect my son snd his wife to drive to me.

It needs to work both ways really. You need to make the effort and they need to provide an adequate bed space for you.

My in-laws are a 3 1/2 hour drive away too. We finally managed to it at Christmas when the kids were 2&4. However previous to that we lived 5 hours away and that didn't account for the number of breaks we would have to do. It's hard when you've got to stop every hour or so and that 3 1/2 hour journey becomes 5 hours plus without any traffic issues. I don't know about their kids but mine always need somewhere half way to stop for lunch and run around for a while.

However my in-laws appreciate that they were the first to move away before the kids all had their own kids so will drive themselves once or twice a year. If my MIL is helping with childcare in the holidays she actually comes by train. It takes an awful long time with a couple of changes. However she much prefers it to driving. This year she'll come on the train and then my husband will take her back and stay up there with them for a week so FIL sees the kids.

If the in-laws come and stay then I stick the kids in together/airbeds and give the in-laws the bigger bedroom and the kids beds. The only time I've had relatives stay in hotels was during COVID and we could only meet in outdoor spaces.

I think there needs to be give and take here!

On the face of it, it’s easier for one adult to travel by public transport than to bring three presumably very young children for a 3.5 hour car journey.

Id probably prefer to get alternative accommodation in your shoes as then you get some peace and quiet!

However it would be nice if they sometimes came to you as well - at least occasionally like in the school hols (if some are school age). So give and take!

Can you not see going down to them as a nice holiday if they are by the sea?

I think you are both being unreasonable to be honest with you .

If I was you I would be feeling sad that my son didn't want to come home to visit me - but equally I would have been on the first train / coach that took me near to their home, booked a little B&B and ask them to pick me up from the coach/train station .

I think if you persist on holding out on this you will be the loser . And maybe if you show willing to travel to them, then when things are easier for them (or also in future harder for you) then they will come and visit you .

Sorry but no way would I be grappling with my children that young for a 3.5 hour car journey to stay in a strange house with people who are essentially strangers to them. I wouldn’t do that journey with a 1 year old never mind the 3 and 6 added in.

I think if you want any relationship with your grandchildren should suck it up until the children are a bit older and then see if there’s any leeway in them travelling to you. You have a car. Can you not get a train or a coach if your husband refuses to drive? I really think this is a case of cutting your own nose off to spite your face. I would ask if they could provide a bed for you though, maybe a blow up in the lounge? Although I do suspect there is a bit of a backstory here.

If DH is DS's father then YABU. You and DH expect DS and partner to take time off work to come to you, travelling with small children which is a nightmare. However your DH can't take time off work? I think you should travel to see them, make the effort and try to build bridges and then express how much you'd love to see them again soon and invite them again. If you all get hurt and upset you'll only hurt yourselves - communicate and make effort. Don't read into it that your DS not visiting you means he doesn't care. He could be overwhelmed. Visit him and find out. Also if you go to him you could potentially stay a longer time if you aren't working and do helpful things you'd enjoy like collect kids from school and walk them home etc but which would help DS and partner out.

Given the ages of the kids they might be more willing to come to yours as they get older. Life with small children can feel really overwhelming and you're not always up to challenges.

If you make the effort now they might be more open to doing so later on.

I’ve just seen they are very little, but one at school, so that combo of having little ones who wouldn’t enjoy the journey but being tied to school holidays does make it tricky for them to come to you. They couldn’t do that trip in just a weekend with such tiny ones.

It would be nice if they paid towards your accommodation though.

If you don't want to have a relationship with your grandkids, then carry on as you are. You being stubborn isn't going to make them pack up their three very young children and drive over.

Yes sorry I think you are being a bit U. You don’t say but it sounds like you might be retired, also your husband drives. If you want to see the kids then there’s no logical reason why you can’t get to them. Plus it sounds as though where they are (by the sea) there’s likely to be holiday accommodation readily available.

You say it makes sense for them to come to you, but I don’t think it does. There will be a vast mountain of stuff to remember to bring (you always forget stuff), a long journey with kids wanting snacks/ breaks/ wees, when they get to your house they won’t have their stuff, like outdoor toys, food they like, own bedding etc. My kids slept atrociously in other people’s houses and this was made worse by being in unfamiliar surroundings in the day and trying to fit in with someone else’s schedule. Plus they woke up at 5.30/ 6am for a long time so we would have 2-3 hours of trying to keep them quiet so that they didn’t wake anyone else. Then they would normally break something in the house (by accident), and/ or be schlepped around to various distant relatives or friends’ houses where they would misbehave because we were all knackered and out of sorts. It was truly horrible for everyone. The only person them coming to you makes sense to is… you!

Far better for you to visit them, have a nice few days by the sea, stay elsewhere so you can do your own thing at bath/ bed time and not be woken up at the crack of dawn. Plus if the visit goes well then they may feel a bit more confident/ comfortable thinking about a reciprocal visit if/ when they can face it.

Oh my gosh - 6, 3 and 1?!

That's even worse for them!

If they work full time and drive down for a weekend, that's 5ish hours travel each day (accounting for stops) and not allowing for any traffic or accidents. No way should they have to do that with a child, toddler and baby. That sounds like hell!

My nana would do an 18, 000 mile round trip every 2 years to see her GS and ExDil after they moved to Oz for a better life.
Ever thought if you make the effort to go there they may make the effort to see you?

Also I used to spend 12h on the Megabus from the Highlands of Scotland to London, coaches are usually perfectly fine and go to most reasonable sized places, I'm sure your son could collect you from one of them.

I can understand both sides in a way . It's not easy with kids but there are ways in a car they can listen to music, have tablets. Sing songs . Play car journey games. It was a very long time ago now but I travelled from London to Durham in the northeast on my own with 2 small children and a dog. And used to do a coach 2.5-3hr coach journey on my own with the kids to ... but that's me. I don't know their situation. I don't know what their children are like on long car journeys. It might be to much for them. Could be that there's other stuff going on and it's just to much.

One of the things i have never understand is the. There's no room at their house thing . I don't know if it's a MN thing. But there is no way that visiting family would be expected to book into a hotel . In my home it would be older adults have a bed . The kids or young adults would sleep on a sofa . Blow up bed or what ever is available. The guests /visiting parents etc would always have a bed and be welcome.

My ex's mother has never Been to my house in 10 years. Its to much for her. I would not expect her to . But I think its important for our kids to have a relationship with her. There for we put the effort in. I would never take that from my kids.

In this situation I'd expect you to be travelling more often than them. They have young children and are working, whereas it sounds like you're retired? So you have time free to take the train.

However I do think they're being unreasonable if they NEVER come to you. But it should be you making the trip more often IMO.

I can understand that your son and his family find it much more difficult to travel a good distance to stay away with three very small children and very busy lives. You have to lug so much crap around with you and long journeys are hideous with small children. Is there no option for public transport for you?
I find your sniffy attitude about them moving so weird. Moving to be close to the sea, for a lifestyle change, is completely understandable and it’s normal for people to move, for whatever reason they so choose.

I think your family are actually being awful. I moved 300 miles from my family but took the kids to visit every school holiday.

Also just seen you have a DH who can drive - so that solves the problem of getting there - why can’t he take time off work? Assuming DS is his son, but even if not for your aid.

Whereas the 6 yo has to be in school on Friday and Monday, and can’t take time off.

Is your husband your son's father ?
It does make a difference in his stance, I think. But either way I would be going without him .

At those ages I'd book to go and visit every so often.

Staying in a hotel/B&B would suit me lovely though as I'd tie it in with spending time having a mooch around the area and not feeling as though I'm living in their pockets.

Having read your update I think you need to shoulder the travelling burden while they're so young and you are still able to.

Their turn will come when you're too old to travel and they're old enough.

They should definitely visit. Kids need to get used to travelling. Our DC used to travel to Lake District from East Anglia on a regular basis from 2. When he was 3 we lived in US and the journey see grand parents was epic, we just did it

And you expect your son and DIL to take time off work.

You and your husband seem to be being extremely stubborn about this.