Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

I think everyone should take turns to be honest. Get the train etc in the summer, they come to you in the winter perhaps.

We lived 3.5 hours from in-laws, the expectation was we did all the travelling, even with a new born. His parents only came every few years as they found it ‘inconvenient’ even when retired.
We were expected to go there very frequently. When children have school/activities/parties and you need holiday for school holidays though that you can’t take together, it becomes impossible.

Now his parents are gone we don’t go there at all. His sibling complains but doesn’t see why they have to travel. They haven’t been here in 25 years as it’s ‘too far’. I feel like I’ve done my time travelling there, they could take a turn.

You could get the train

We also regularly did a 5+hr trip ( 10 to 12 hrs total ) to see my parents when DD was younger - although to be fair we could afford to take the train sometimes which was easier

I don't see why your DH needs to take time off work - does he never get 2 consecutive days off ?

I also don't see why you can't stay with the family

If you want a relationship with the grandkids you are going to have to do all the running

Give and take. You should make the effort to go and make a little holiday of it. But they should certainly also reciprocate.

So you expect OP to sell up and downsize? A bit unreasonable wouldn't you say?

The grandchildren are 6, 3 and 1.
I should have made it clear that they expect me to visit them or not see them as they don't intend to come this way so it will never be alternate visits.

I do feel sad that they moved away yes as we were once very close but I'm certainly not bitter about it.

Is your DH your DS’s father?

I think ideally you would take turns to visit. But I can also totally see that with 2 parents working full time and small children (what ages?) a 7 hr round trip is massive.

Those kind of journeys whether by train or car are absolutely exhausting with my kids - they need to be entertained and fed throughout the journey, someone ends up vomiting or needing a wee just after you’ve left the services, or they start screaming or hitting each other, plus you lose effectively 2 days of the holiday to travel, and you have to transport all the kids stuff, and then once you get there they are out of their usual feeding and sleeping routine and it’s generally exhausting.

Compare that experience to you getting a leisurely train where you can have a coffee, read a book, listen to a podcast, sleep…the luxury!! And you presumably don’t need to book annual leave or wait for the school holidays so are free to do it at a time that is cheap and convenient to you. And once you arrive the kids are well rested, in their usual routine and happy.

It sounds to me like you care more about making your point that they shouldn’t have moved away than actually seeing your grandkids. I know my mum would
move heaven and earth to see my kids.

If it is you who is missing them terribly, make it work and go.

Kindly, with work and kids they probably are very busy. It doesn't mean their needs trump yours, but if you're the one pushing for their company, then you go there.

OP, you speak as if your adult children ought not to move away from you without your permission.

How very sad. The gc are missing out on seeing their gp because the adults can't make a sensible decision.
I can see both sides however, I it is more difficult for working families with small children to make that journey. Yes, they chose to move 3.5 hours away so you were always going to miss out on time together but, I do think you don't really want to visit, you say they expect my husband to take time off work, yes to see your son. How incredibly sad, it is harder for parents to take leave as they need it for illness and holidays.

It seems if it is not done your way, it won't be done at all. Well looks like you will be missing out on seeing your gc grow up. Life is too short unless there is a huge backstory.

I live a similar distance to my parents and it was so hard trying to visit when my kids were that age. It was utterly exhausting. My parents did visit some times but not often. We now go and visit 3x a year.

It sounds like you're all being as stubborn as each other.

Could you arrange to have a weekend away in a cottage/ caravan or something half way between the two of you?

And if you miss them so much why can’t your husband take time off work? Sounds like you’re expecting them to take time off work to come and see you. With them having young children it would be so much easier for you to visit them, the car ride, all the things children need they’ll already have.
You both sound unreasonable but if you really want to see him you’d make it happen

You're both being unreasonable. I would absolutely get myself there by train, or whatever it took, to see my son and GC, perhaps expecting they might collect me from the nearest station. My parents re-jigged our sleeping arrangements so DGM could visit us. I slept on a camp bed is DSis room so she could have my bed. I'd do that rather than ask you to book a hotel.

I do think it's unreasonable of them to never visit you either, but it is hard when you live "away" and need to use annual leave to visit family.

But there must be wider issues why neither "side" wants to make the effort?

You're all unreasonable, you should go and them sometimes and they should come and see you sometimes!

I think you and your husband need to get over your resentment about your son and his family moving.

While you hold on to your resentment, they are unlikely to want to bend over backwards to see you.

Be more accepting of their choices and willing to put yourself out and they might be more enthusiastic to see you.

I think you're both being unreasonable. You seem bitter they've moved, you need to get over that. Surely you just take turns? Presume you're retired and therefore you have more time, you could travel by coach or train, and can't you just sleep in the living room or share one of the kids rooms?

Your ds doesn't sound very nice. It's a case of give and take when people move away. My df moved 7 hours away but we still make the effort and him is. We've also been known to stay in hotels.

It will be difficult for you to travel by train and then stay in a hotel. Taxis to and from your hotel to your ds will be expensive. Equally he can make the effort, even with young dc to come and see you. It's only a few hours away.

As others have said, I would take the train to see my family if I couldn't drive or even a coach. Expecially as they have kids. My mum never drove down to my house to see us, when we had just one child, except at Christmas. It doesn't create the best impression

One of my parents lives a similar distance from us. I moved as a young adult and met my DP here, had my first child a couple of years ago. We live in a nice place by the sea. We make the trip to visit my parent minimum 3x a year, staying for 4-6 days. My parent and their partner also make the trip at least 3x a year, usually staying for 2 days. It’s give and take but we do all drive which makes it easier all round.

My MIL doesn't understand that we don't travel to her often. My husband often does 70-80 hour weeks and he is the driver. She is 4 hours away. Travelling with 2 children and the dogs and we have to find somewhere to stay is difficult. She is retired and does drive. She has visited once 3 years ago! She always says how she misses the grandchildren terribly but doesn't make the journey to see them even though she has the time and financial means.

In your situation I would get a coach or train. Travelling with small children is difficult. We used to do it frequently. We did once get caught in horrendous traffic which added 4 hours onto a long journey. It was uncomfortable and unfair on the kids and we have been reluctant to do it regularly since.

Also 3 children bring a lot of luggage. I hope you find a compromise.

Travelling that kind of distance with kids, settling them into a different bed, organising food etc is a large undertaking. If you could get a bus/train and stay a couple of nights in a b&b (if affordable) that would be so much better.

I think your son should find space in his house for you to stay in, rejig the kids to make room for you, but apart from that I think you are BU. It sounds like your husband isn’t your son’s Dad? Could that be affecting them not wanting to stay at yours? Do they get on? I get the feeling there is a lot more to this story than you’re letting on.

We had the opposite whereby the ILs moved away from where we had lived for some time. They both had cars and were retired yet expected us to come over at the drop of a hat with two young children when we worked full time.
Their excuse was that they didn't like driving yet were quite happy to come here and see theirr friends...
You have the time to make that journey and do it in a fairly relaxed way by coach or train. 3.5 hours with two small children can easily turn into 5 hours plus, even on a good day with toilet stops. Is your house suitable for children tearing around in it? I used to be on tenterhooks waiting for them to be told off due to the house not being child friendly so it really wasn't a way I wanted to spend a weekend after 5 days of work!

Thanks for telling their ages which I think is crucial

TBH, at the younger two's ages - I would try not to do that journey up north as it was just so hard.

It helped massively when my DPs bought a travel cot and a high chair but honestly most of the times I saw my DPs is when they came down to our house.

Realistically for the next 3 to 4 years, it will probably be easier for you to visit them more, than the other way round.

Over time things will change.

Your DH needs to reframe his black and white thinking, show a little empathy. Your DS and his wife are right in the middle of the 'grunt work' parenting phase and probably could do with a bit of help/ support

There may be other factors behind them not wanting to come.

I did regularly spend time with both sets of grandparents when my kids were young but honestly it was really difficult.

One set would baby proof and look out for interesting things to do and be as welcoming as possible. The other set.... didn't and I dreaded going there.

As the kids got older and busier (class parties, swimming lessons etc) weekends with the grandparents just weren't possible, and then once I was back at work full time it was insanely busy.

We cut down to holidays - summer/christmas/easter only.

Now I have adult kids (no grandkids yet). We go away together to nice places to stay and I go and visit them, sometimes by car but often by train. My DD is 5 hours away.

With three kids they must be incredibly busy. Go to them. Get the train, get an airbnb and if they are by the sea think of it as a holiday with some family visiting thrown in.

I am so, so glad my parents (Mum inparticular) doesn't see the current 150 miles as a barrier.
And she also did 3000 miles every year when we were that far away (we did that once or twice a year as well).
If you want to see the family, it sounds like you need to find a way to make it happen, as right now it's tougher for you son and his family.

Things have definitely gone in waves with when it's easier for each half to travel. I've done patches where Dad hasn't come up for maybe 18 months - but we've gone to them, or Mum has come up alone. Then it's been easier for us to travel, and we do several visits with out my parents visiting. Swings and roundabouts, making it easiest for visits, not "taking turns".