Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

It’s a shame they don’t want to visit you, but it is hard with young children and jobs etc.

I wonder why they moved so far from you? We’re an island, the sea is all around.

Not if you live in the middle

We have 3 grown up sons and a daughter and we're a very close family, all other sons and dills including daughter and sil appreciate us so it's not us.

This comment is misguided - its not them either, everyone has different personalities and makes different choices. Unfortunately you can't seem to see that and if they don't live their life the way you see fit and similarly to your other children - you see that as wrong. Its not wrong, its different and the sooner you accept that the better.

You have had an invitation and are not going to accept I, which is sad.

I have friends with disabilities and diabetes and kidney disease - yet they travel abroad, 200 miles to see their daughter, like you they had to finish work but that doesn't stop them getting on a train with assistance and taking a taxi at the other end.

In fact my MIL is in her 80s with all sorts of ailments including diabetes but she still travels by public transport and gets around for day trips by train 120 miles away and back to visit her grandchildren & great grandchildren

No it should be give and take so sometimes you travel and do the hotel, and sometimes they travel.

That said, I have close relatives who moved 5hrs away and I don't go to see them unless I'm over that way anyway. They chose to move so it's on them.

No, it's you.

So you can't stay with them, and would have to travel by public transport and pay for a hotel? They sound like a pair of selfish buggers. I can't imagine expecting my mum to get on a series of buses or trains, and fork out for a hotel, when I could drive and stay at her house for free.

Unfortunately, I think you are the one with most to lose so I think you should make the journey and then tell them it's their turn next time.

I can't believe how many pp can't travel 150 miles with kids.

OP you won’t get fair advice on here. Stepmothers and Mother-in-laws always get a bad wrap!

I feel for you really and I think your son is being unreasonable. He’s probably stuck in the middle though and unlikely to go against his wife.

Can’t you be honest with him and say what you’ve said here about your health concerns/lack of accommodation etc?

Maybe they moved nearer dil s family although OP just says they moved to be near the sea. OP does say dil was brought up near the sea, so possibly ? !

They moved away and now expect everyone else to do the travelling.

If you are close to your other dc and gc then it's them not you.

Holidays tend to last more than a weekend.

I'm sorry but your being unreasonable to not travel. You expect them to spend limited holiday time visiting you but won't reciprocate.

My MIL isn't allowed to stay at my house either because 1: there's no space 2: she expects to be waited on 3: she complains about everything.

Your adult children can however live where they like, both DH and I live over 8 hours from our parents. I fins it very sad and also very telling that you expected them to visit with a young baby and 2 other children in tow that's a completely nightmare very long journey given the number of stops required for a young baby in a seat. It's 30 min max up to 1 month 2 hours max til they are 1ish.

I'd love to know the huge backstory.

I would encourage you to seek therapy for yourself. Not to moan about your son and daughter in law, but to look at your own words and actions. You and your husband clearly have a massive part to play in this situation. I'm not surprised there's a stand off. You sound very cold and rigid.

@SavingTheBestTillLast
you absolutely can have a fantastic relationship with your sons but my mum is my best friend and spending time with her is a priority in my life so I will make that happen, if op wants a relationship with her son rather than waiting for him or dil she may have to make that effort here.

I suspect a back story here, there are hints all the way through.

Regardless, they're not going to do what you want. You can go visit them or not see them. Your choice.

“His wife” X3

”I miss my son and the grandchildren terribly”

Is there a back story here?

Try to get over them moving away and do the journey at least once OP, even if you have to break it up into lots of smaller journeys. Life is too short for regrets x

Life is too short OP, just visit your boy. Seriously, just make the journey. You don't know how long you have him for. Just do it.

YABU - no wonder they don’t want to visit!

travelling with children is a nightmare - staying in someone else’s house is a nightmare.

Visit them there where they have the toys and activities to entertain their kids.

It won’t be them who miss out or the kids as they’ve got loving family who make the effort on DIL’s side luckily.

At the very least it's the extra annual leave needed for this journey. I would only do it for 3 nights minimum. This couple have a school-aged boy so will be juggling annual leave with school holidays. If they have time off together its likely going to be something fun for the family.

Even with 1 child they'd probably need to stop twice- more with a newborn.

It could be other factors- maybe they don't have enough money to travel? The fuel alone is quite pricey. Let alone food, etc. I doubt if they visited they would even want to stay at OPs house. Maybe DIL parents pay for them to all go away and that's how they go on holidays/days out together.

I think there's some sort of backstory here that OP doesn't want to acknowledge. OP seems to dislike the fact they moved to be by the sea- which is a perfectly valid reason. It's easy to blame DIL, but DS is a grown man. If he wanted to see his mum, then he would. It doesn't sound like he visited OP before they had children.

It's also odd that not once has OP or her husband have decided to do this journey themselves and won't entertain the thought unless they can stay at DS house? Not everyone can accommodate this. They cant magic up extra rooms.

I think you all sound ridiculous as each other. You say your DH works, and your DS and DIL also work. That your DS and DIL expect your DH to take time off work to visit them. But if they visit you, you would expect them to take time off also? So no one wants to take time off to visit, your DS can’t be bothered and your DH can’t be bothered …. No one is going to win this. You need to take it in turns to visit. Perhaps you need to make an effort.

I have bad knees and a bad back, diabetes and a heart condition, friends and family all agree I shouldn't give in and travel in my condition.

You could be describing DH. We regularly travel to see DS and our grandchildren. Are you seriously expecting never to travel again for the rest of your life? What do you do about holidays?

Are you very overweight? Your conditions indicate that you may be. Is that why you won’t travel as it’ll be too tiring for you?
6 years ago you were only 56 years old, yet you still didn’t visit them. I’d have gone NC with you at that point.
Your DS is an adult with his own mind. Stop blaming your DIL and look in the mirror instead.

I don’t usually pile on to a thread this long but I hope you’re still reading, as your actions in the immediate future will set the tone for the rest of your relationship. You and your husband are the ones being unreasonable, they have built their own lives and you sound jealous/resentful. Three children age 1-6, yet you want them to do 100% of the legwork?? You reap what you sow.

I have a four year old and a one year old. The thought of taking them over three hours in a car is terrifying to me, though to be fair they both suffer from motion sickness.

If you wish to see them then visit them, you haven’t given any details that would lead me to believe you can’t. Maybe there is a big drip feed and you’re on dialysis etc but if you want true perspectives you need to tell the full story.

My parents and in-laws are close to 70s, have health issues and do further journeys.

I think you're being unreasonable. Travelling with three children under 6 would be such hard work! Really disruptive for the kids. Is there a reason you can't get a train to visit? You're only 62!