Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

he is HOME !!! where he is with his own family, let go fhs !

Couldn't possibly be that the son doesn't want to visit parents who have treated him badly? Can only be the evil DIL?

Like the OP?

I do think it's an excuse on the son's part but I don't think I'd have been rushing there to see parents who couldn't even be arsed to meet my newborn. I think that's appalling.

For me the important question here is the comparison - they live far apart, so someone (or both) will need to travel if they want to meet up. Who is the journey easier for? The parents that need to book annual leave and wrangle 3 kids plus a car full of luggage, or the person who doesn’t work and can chill out on a train with a small suitcase and a picnic?

And yes, I often do journeys like that with the kids, but it’s not worth it unless we are going for an extended period (Ie a holiday) - it’s not fair on the kids otherwise - and I wouldn’t put myself and them through it to see someone who hadn’t bothered with us for the past 6 years.

I would turn it into a holiday by the sea, either go by train or your husband drives? They are probably juggling work / annual leave / childcare . A long journey with 3 young children isn’t easy . If you want to have a relationship with your Grandchildren you will have to make an effort.

You sound like a toddler. I won't visit because he won't visit me. Someone would have to visit someone first.
Otoh your son is equally being ridiculous. There is absolutely no reason why he can't visit you with the kids. My parents had 4 children and right from being babies we used to travel abroad to see them (more like a 10 hour trip).
You say you really want to see him but won't give in and go to see him.
You could have gone to see him years ago but chose not to.
The whole situation sounds ridiculous.

You have NEVER visited them?

You obviously don't think you need to make any effort so why bother even posting about it. You are coming across as really manipulative and controlling.

How many heartbeats in 6 years? 🤔

so you have loads of free time and refuse to visit? They presumably have commitments like work
and school for the eldest so could only really visit if parents are off during school holidays.

I think it sounds like you’re all butting heads

At this stage, OPs DS and DIL will never make the journey simply because of the hostility they will likely experience from the family members that have taken "OPs side". The only way to break this stalemate is for OP (and her DH) to make the journey to them (which they should have bloody well done 6 years ago), That will then open up the possibility of reciprocal visits from DS and DIL.

My parents live (separately) about the same distance away. One parent has always made the effort to come and see us - not frequently but as often as she can - because we both have jobs with long hours and a young child. We go and see her when we have a few days off so Christmas or Easter.

The other hasn't and we barely see him now. He (my dad) constantly asks why she has a close relationship with us and he doesn't. Because he only thinks the way the OP does and doesn't consider the difficulties we face getting to him to have to sleep in a not child friendly house.

I’m sorry who are the “many people” travelling 3.5 hours with 3 kids “day in day out”?

It sounds like you're not that interested in meeting your grandchildren, but only in being the matriarch upon whom everyone dances attendance. Not even going to visit when they were newborn? Bloody hell.

I also really dislike the blame on the DIL - I am constantly trying to get DH to make and maintain contact with his parents. He is crap at it - just doesn’t bother most of the time - and as a result I know they see us less than their other kids. They would have no idea about all the effort I go to try to get DH to engage with them, which I do for the sake of our kids. I don’t think it should be my job to lead all the contact with his family as I also deal with my own, and DH is a grown man. If he doesn’t stay in touch with his parents that is on him.

Though if my PILs hadnt even come to see us when our babies were born I certainly wouldn’t be trying to persuade DH to go and visit them!

With respect OP, you are being unreasonable here.
Your son and his wife have 3 young children- have you ever travelled a minimum of 3.5hrs (without traffic) its 3 kids this age? Travelling with young kids is seriously not fun, you have to pack SO MUCH stuff, there's the breaks for wees, snacks etc and on top of that my DD gets car sick so there's always that to deal with.
We occasionally visit my PIL who live 1.5hrs away which is bad enough, they have nothing at their house for kids so I feel like I'm packing half our house when we visit. When my DD and new baby are older we will happily do the lions share of visits, but right now it's much easier for PIL to come here.
Your husband could drive you, you can get the train. If you wanted to see them you would. You're digging your heels in and cutting off your nose to spite your face as all that's happening is you are losing potential relationships with your grandchildren and family.

It must be so humiliating for your son. Imagine having to admit to people that your parents didn't come to see your first baby after the birth. What kind of parents don't go to celebrate one of the most exciting moments in their child's life...

Unfortunately being the paternal grandmother is hard work, dils naturally gravitate toward their own family for support and son's naturally support their wife.
You have a daughter and say you see her and her dc regularly so you probably understand this.
I do think you need to be happy for your son and accept his choices in life even if it's not how you imagined.
I am very close to my mum and call her daily we don't live far but meet somewhere her way or mine at least once a week, I have 3 children too but this is MY relationship with my mum, dh will occasionally join us if he's not working.
However he does not have the same relationship with his mum and his mum is well aware that my mum is more involved and sees the children more often but dh doesn't find time to see his mum and doesn't make the effort therefore they are not as close, he loves his mum dearly she's just not his priority.
I do think maybe your son doesn't make an effort and probably the daughter does with her parents so doubts it's dil that's behind it.
You may have to be the one to put the effort in here if you want a relationship with your son's family.

BIL lives 4 hours away. MIL often gets the train there and back - because she wants to see him and her grandchildren. She's 81.

YABU, I’m in the position of your son- husband, I and our 2 DC live 3.5 hours away from husbands parents, we rarely go to visit as to be honest travelling 3.5 hours inevitably ends up longer as with children you need to stop on the long drive, also the amount of things you need to pack up and take with you, trying to get children to sleep in a new environment, no toys or home comforts for them, risk assessing every move in a house that’s not set up for children etc etc. When you can pack a bag and hop on a train/coach to visit and spend precious time with your grandchildren. As someone else has mentioned you have the privilege of time which as working parents your son and wife probably don’t have. Your son is entitled to live where he wants with his family, people don’t need to stay in the same place their entire lives just because you live there.

There's so much more to consider here when you really think about it.

The children don't even know you. Ignoring the 4 hour car ride and the absolute mess of your relationship with each other, they would probably be really unsettled staying with complete strangers, away from their home, their routine, their things.

Does your son and DIL even have a car that can fit three car seats in, pushchairs, luggage for five people, nappies, bottles, toys, high chair, cot etc all at the same time?

What ever you may think or guess about OP I can’t imagine this post in any way helps her.
In no way does it offer advice.
Its one huge attack on her and vile!

You clearly could visit, as to be fair could they although with more difficulty given the kids' ages. If 150 miles is too far to go and see them then it doesn't seem that you are that invested in seeing them. Instead it is all on your terms. I suspect that is abundantly clear to them.

Just saw how old you are OP, I thought you were very elderly at first given the tone of your initial post. Unless you are inform, there is a way round this, it sounds very much like you're saying they should have stayed local to you, because you wanted them to. Why shouldn't they move to where they want to live and bring up their children. You're cutting your nose off to spite your face by not going to see them.

Sorry if I’ve misunderstood, but are you saying that you have never met your grandchildren? If this is the case then I’m afraid that you are unreasonable and you are cutting off your nose to spite your face!

Whilst It would be nice for them to visit you, you sound quite controlling. You may have health issues, but you are not old and should be able to make a trip to see them!

Lots to look forward to family wise then as a mother of three sons.