Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

Ah that’s clearer.
To the question you were asked about have you not gone and seen them after the first child was born you immediately twisted it to “I have invited them a number of times”.
So no, you haven’t gone to see even the first child in the first 3 years of their life just insisting they come to you.They are under no obligation.
You have tried and tried but never get anywhere you say.Of course not you want it on your terms and it’s not going to happen.
You want to play happy families with all the family at yours.They are busy with jobs and children.I suspect you have been making a big deal and been stubborn as hell and that is why your husband is not interested as he is sick of your stubbornness as well, unless he is as self centred too.

This is utter rubbish.

No one owns their adult children or has a right to their time. Especially not someone like this who is trying to control everyone.

Using words like duty and doing the right thing is just guilt tripping and toxic.

You've never made one visit after the birth of their first child. It seems to be all on your terms. You don't drive but your dh does.

For six years??? Not even once in six years?? Come on!

"You go through pain (the drive with three kids) to do something right (see your parents/grandparents)."

So if the "right" thing is visiting parents/grandparents, why isn't the duty to visit grandchildren equally important? Particularly when babies were newborn and it is unsafe to have them in the car for that amount of time (not to mention very impractical and stressful!).

Also lets not forget that OP's husband could do the drive, but chooses not to give up his annual leave. Seems like an odd double standard to expect so much duty but only from one side!

It sounds like you've got into it for tat not visiting.

I do think it's odd not to have visited to see a newborn.

I live six hours away from my mum and she still came up on a train. I do go to them more but she wouldn't have expected me to do it with a newborn. I waited a couple of months to make it more manageable on a train for the return visit.

Were your health conditions so bad you couldn't have managed a visit even for a night when their first was born?

I suspect this has set a pattern of digging in.

The thing is, the more you see them the more likely the kids are to want to see you as they get a bit bigger.

Could you break up the journey and do it over a couple more days? If your husband has a week off make it a trip for the pair of you with some visiting?

Just book the hotel, get dh to drive and go and visit them! You are cutting off your nose to spite your face. It isn't worth holding out on something like this.

The kids are small and it would be a nightmare for the family to drive 3.5 hours one way only for the kids to sleep in unfamiliar beds and meet unfamiliar people.

They have done well having no help from your end and raising three kids. Be proud of them instead of moaning and groaning they don’t see you - they don’t have help or time.

I wonder maybe as well if you have painted DIL as your enemy without realising she may be insisting they do need to visit…my MIL lives half the distance away and has made effort to very occasionally come and see us. We have done the same back but not as much.

I tell DH we need to visit and try to pin down actual days and talk about the timetable for the day (we will leave at X time and be there by Y time, do this activity and then leave at Z time).

DH can’t commit to it. He is worried about the commute with a small child. I keep insisting, what about this coming weekend? Nope. I’ve done this many times and now have given up. MIL would have no idea how I’m pushing this campaign.

Maybe DIL is aware to visit but DH is not happy to drive all that way and he is putting the blocker in. Just saying, it’s not always how it seems.

It's easier for you to go to them. Yes they drive but they have the kids aswell, they won't be in their own home and it will be more difficult for them, keeping the kids amused and behaving. That said if you travel to them a couple of times they should return the favour tbh.

@changinghairstyle you have been jumped on since the start of the thread . Most people (not all) on this thread, are not interested if your right or wrong. They are not intrested in why you find it hard to visit them. Sadly the thread is just entertainment for people. They don't care that you already probably feel shit and probably upset as it is.

My mother never wanted to know my kids. She treated me completely different to my other siblings . There were lots of visits and holidays etc . With her other adult children and grandkids. The sad thing is we never fell out no argument or anything . To this day I don't know what I done wrong. What I have learnt though is i can't make my mother be a mum or grandparent to my kids . I know its a reverse situation. But if you can, keep doors open for them. In the mean time concentrate on your other grandchildren and other family members who you are close to.

I hope you feel better soon 💐

It really pays to try and get on with Daughter in law or son’s Girlfriends

It IS harder for mothers of sons

My son lives an hour and a bit’s train journey away- but on Wednesday I’ll be getting on that train!👍👍👍

I'm guessing they visit dil family because dil facilitates it and as she doesn't facilitate your dh visiting you he doesn't bother.
Any chance ds could have turned out like his father?

Can't make OP be a grandparent to these kids either. It goes both ways. If OP couldn't be bothered to make the effort once to meet a newborn, why would they think she wants to be a grandparent to their kids?

This

I think you and your DH need to wallow your pride and get in the car/on a train.

Book a nice hotel and enjoy a lovely short break by the sea and arrange to visit your children & grandchildren.

You seem to have a chip on your shoulder, but life is too short for this silly pettiness.

What’s more important to you? Feeling you’re in the ‘right’ or having a relationship with your grandchildren? What do you think you’ll look back on in the decades to come and feel regret over? Losing precious time with loved ones or losing an ‘argument’ with your son? You’ve already lost 6 years. You only stand to lose more…

There is fault on both sides here but you seem determined to put the blame entirely on your son and his wife.

There are a few things slipping through in your posts which make me wonder what their side of the story is - the judgement that they moved to be beside the sea, the fact you never visited when the children were newborns, the thinly veiled insinuation that things changed when he married his wife - and the fact that your husband is suggesting you focus on the children who ‘bother with you’.

Parental love isn’t about repayment, and in your shoes I would put aside my feelings and visit for the sake of saving the relationship. If you don’t, you probably won’t see them again, and you’ll only have yourselves to blame.

Whilst I do agree that it seems a bit strange that the OP hasn't visited the grandchildren in six years, I am surprised by how many people see a 3.5 hour journey with children as being so difficult. What do you all do when you go on holiday? Surely many people would have a very much longer journey to get to a holiday destination?

Ds not dh

I suspect there’s some back story where you’ve not shown much interest and by now refusing to even entertain the idea of visiting, you’re just making your DS think his thoughts are even more justified

This.

You know what people do when a loved one moves into a new house op, and they're invited over? They go visit.

You know what people do when a loved one has a baby op? They go visit.

Never having been to their new house and not even visited the three times when they'd just had a newborn - unforgiveable. Shame on both you and your dh.

If you want any kind of relationship with your son you need to grovel as you have some serious making up to do. Although after all this time it may be too late anyway. It sounds like they have a lovely relationship with your DIL's family which is just as well.

I agree.

whether OP is or isn’t reasonable is ultimately irrelevant. She can’t force her son and his family to visit. So she’ll either have to visit them, attempt to find a compromise or simply accept that seeing her son and grand grandchildren won’t happen / will become a rarity.

It's not "difficult" but it is a lot of work and can be stressful. So the reason for it has to be worth it.

@PrawnofthePatriarchy thats a very interesting perspective….completely agree (never thought of it that way before)

They sound like a couple of selfish buggers to be honest. I would never treat my parents like this especially with health conditions.

yes it is stressful travelling with 3 kids but it’s really not the end of the world, many ppl do it day in day out.

My step brother is like this, him and SIL come up once a year to see parents, despite the fact they are both in 70s and dad has very limited mobility. They’d love to go down to visit them but it’s not a possibility. Really causes my SM a lot of pain and I can’t help thinking “they’ll regret these decisions longer term when parents are no longer with us”

usually the DIL choice, she’ll be the driving force