Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

Travelling that far is really hard with a baby, you are being very unreasonable. All you need to do is sit in a car while your DH drives you.

My DM travelled from new zealand to meet her grandchild while she was on a waiting list for a hip replacement.

Your DH sounds like his ego is doing the talking, unwilling to compromise out of pride.

I would happily do the majority of travel for my parents. But as a brand new mum, with a newborn, zero sleep for several weeks at first, I couldn't have handled that drive.

If my parents refused to come see me, expecting me to cart the most precious cargo I'll ever have across the country (stopping every 30 mins as per guidelines for newborn travel) on zero sleep, I would be miffed. If they then refused to ever come and stopped the rest of my family coming, I would not want to start trying to accommodate them.

You are totally unreasonable. I suspect the your DS and family don’t visit because you and your husband are difficult people and they just wouldn’t enjoy being around you.
You paint yourself as such a victim. Your health problems are not that severe and your husband can drive. There’s really no excuse for having never visited and met your grandchildren. You are entirely self absorbed and stuck in your ‘woe is me’ little bubble.
I wouldn’t want grandparents like you in my children’s lives at all.

You’ve mentioned missing your son and grandchildren but not your DIL. Let’s put it this way, if I didn’t want to see my in-laws I’d do exactly what they have done (in fact, we did).

OP there is a lot of advice on this post for you to absorb. Not easy, but I hope you do.

I think it's worth considering what this might feel like to your DS. You say that they regularly see DIL family, have you considered that the comparison might be quite painful for him.
A family who make the effort - Vs you who never visits. How sad that must make him.
We don't owe family relationships if there is toxicity there. Relationships should be enthusiastic and mutual but you are the parent here, you need to do the work to get it back to that point. If it means putting in overtime then do it. Ultimately you are losing out...

As we get older we lose so much, our health, our friends, our family, our partners. Children can be a real light amongst this, hold them close.

Is it not kinda the other way round here?

And excuse me, 62 is not "elderly"!!!

@changinghairstyle
I just can't get over how petty and bloody minded you are.

Your DS has had not 1, not 2 but 3 DC and you haven't ever visited them!!! You have even turned his siblings against him which is manipulative and quite frankly fucking awful behaviour.

No wonder he hasn't visited. Why would he want to put his family in such a toxic environment?

YOU can solve all of this mess that YOU have created.

GO AND SEE YOUR SON. HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR GC or don't. It is ALL completely within YOUR control.

If you want to see the family then do it - stop making excuses. Just go.

@changinghairstyle do you never go on holiday?

I did the majority of travel to my parents when our children were little. I didn't stay over though.

There's a gap between DC1 and DC2. Surely they could have visited then? Though seeing as you missed out on the newborn/baby/toddler stages, I can see why they wouldn't have been prepared to put themselves out.

DH's mother was on her own and 1.5 hours away. DH used to go up there, collect her and bring her to ours for the day. 6 hours of driving. She didn't drive and got completely fucking lost the one time we tried to get her to come on the train and he had to go and rescue her anyway!

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Your son is allowed to move for whatever reason, you know!

I think your son's version of events would be very different to yours.

You sound quite hostile towards your DIL - why?

And you have never seen your GC? Yours cutting off your nose to spur your face.

Why don't you and h take a week's holiday in a cottage by the sea near your son, and meet your GC then?

There's no point being all bitter and stubborn about it. You're just hurting yourself.

My daughter and son in law plus 3 grandchildren moved from north Manchester to the Highlands of Scotland 20 years ago, over 400 miles. They moved for a better, quieter lifestyle
We used to visit twice a year and I flew to Inverness on my own as well.

Very gently OP, it sounds like both sides are being very inflexible and dug in. Its very hard to travel with children. And as good as your house was for you, it is hard being away from home with small children.

The whole thing sounds very sad.

Sorry to say this, but you come across as stubborn, judgemental and entitled.
”why should I go and see them when they won’t come here?”
”they see her family but haven’t got time for me”
”they moved far away simply to be by the sea!!”

You obviously don’t like your DIL. You haven’t seen your DGC. You say you’re not remotely resentful that they moved but that’s not how you come across. At the end of the day you’re the one losing out. Sounds like they’re not that fussed about seeing you. Maybe ask yourself why (clue: it isn’t the DIL!)

Oh my god! I have no idea how I’ve posted a happy birthday message with my post! I’m so sorry. I can’t get rid of it!!! 😫

Many people make much longer journeys that 3.5 hours with children, MNers seems to use it as an excuse not to do things they don't want!

The advice for newborn babies was to strictly limit the time they spent in car seats when I had mine (youngest is now 12). I'm assuming that advice hasn't changed much. So asking the parents of a newborn baby to travel long distances when they will have been told to avoid doing this was never going to go down well.

Not making every possible effort to visit their first baby has laid the foundations for this whole sorry mess. When they are asked about you, I would put money on that story being told. You not being bothered to turn up at such a key time in their lives has become a defining feature of your relationship with them. You can change it, but it will be hard, and you will need to show genuine insight and humility. I hope that you do, and that you can repair this rift.

I’m with your son to be honest. I wouldn’t travel all that time with three kids, if you aren’t willing to do the same. You haven’t met your grandchild yet out of stubbornness. Logistically it’s easier for you to travel to them and have the slight inconvenience of having to book a hotel than them plan a long journey around different nap times, toilet trips on the journey, ensuring they have all the baby equipment and supplies, trying to get kids to sleep in unfamiliar surroundings with strangers (which no offence you are), making sure they have enough clothes plus spares etc. I get you may be feeling frustrated but you could turn this situation around and make the effort to visit. If you actually really wanted too.

So funny to be described as elderly. Really it cracks me up

It's funny!

And leave his wife to sort 3 young kids by herself when op dh can drive her there perfectly.

The happy birthday made me laugh. I was wondering if I needed to edit my post to wish op a happy birthday

😅 I thought I had missed some important part of the thread.

I don't think it's the journey that's the problem, it's what lies at the end of it.

I absolutely wouldn't want to go through the stress of this to visit someone toxic who doesn't care enough about seeing my children to make the effort when they're newborns.

My MIL behaved a bit like this when I had my baby, said she couldn't possibly come to us because of the snow, we'd have to go to her. She had driven herself shopping that morning. She lives 5 minutes away. I wouldn't take my newborn 5 minutes to see her, when she had essentially told us that she would risk the snow to go buy new clothes, but my baby wasn't important enough. DH agreed and told her the same (plus my parents had travelled 4 hours in the same conditions, so you know, 5 minutes was being pathetic)

Funnily enough, she came when she realised we weren't going to just accommodate her ridiculous ideas and it was drive over in the light snow or don't meet your granddaughter til you can be bothered.

That’s very sad op. I can’t believe you never visited. Do you genuinely not regret not making the effort to visit?

It’s not too late. Go, as soon as you can, while you’re still welcome.