Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

Of course you should travel to see your son and his family. Of course you should.

Or, you can hold onto your grudge, and lose your family.

Your choice!

“The rest of the family all agree and won't visit them until they see me”

This is disgraceful. You should be ashamed of yourself. Can’t be bothered to visit your son and his NEWBORN child, expecting them to visit YOU instead. WHEN THEY’RE NEWBORN!!!

All your updates just show how narcissistic and toxic you are. I truly believe your son is better off without you.
And you call yourself a mother!!

I have just re-read. You have never seen your grandchildren. I am shocked. Your stubbornness has ruined your relationship. I would love to hear their side of all this.

My dad drove a similar journey to see my newborn not long after he had a cancerous kidney removed. I understand you can't drive but nothing about your health means you can't be a passenger for a few hours. MAKE THE EFFORT!

Should you be the only one to do visits, no, but honestly I can see why they haven't made the effort as you haven't either. All you seem to do is spit venom at his wife for "alienating" your son, but your husband isn't willing to even take a few days off work to drive and see your new grandchild?

Do you know how hard a trip that long is when you have young children? Never mind a bloody newborn! I'm agog that you can sit and cry about your health and the length of the journey but think it's perfectly acceptable for a NEWBORN to do that trip. You're incredibly selfish and too short sighted to see if you bothered your arse they might too. Actually I doubt they would now because you've shown how little you actually care about them.

Also, what do you want them to do about the fact their house isn't big enough? My parents don't have room for us when we visit anymore as my grandad is living with them now so we pay for an Airbnb or hotel.

I still live in the house where I brought my children up, because we like it where we live, it would cost a fortune to move and would be pointless. I am not stuck in my ways.

I'm around the OP's age, suffer many of the same health issues and can throw a few more in there too, and I still work FT, travel as much as I can and I want to travel more while I can. I can also have a do a 5 hour round trip driving to one of my organisation's furthest away offices.

This is just plain weird.

Ah no sympathy after hearing you’ve never visited and you have three grandchildren you’ve never met because of what? Pride? I’m struggling to believe your health is so bad you’re incapable of getting a train to see them but are completely capable of hosting a family of 5 at yours.

Not to mention the fact you seem to have encouraged the rest of the siblings to alienate their brother because of your own issues. Shame on you.

You are 62 years of age… you are in the prime of your life despite your illness

I helped an old lady with her case at New Street in Birmingham- as she was old and trying to carry a suitcase down some busy stairs- I was talking to her on the train after and she was going from Bournemouth to Aberdeen to see her daughter, granddaughter and great grandchildren and had stopped in Birmingham to see a friend on the way up… she was 96!!!

My dad has disowned me and my children- but I would Never to that to my children and I will forever go to the ends of the earth to see them

The other way around but, yes

You sound like an entitled brat, frankly, at what sounds like a very elderly 62 years old.

Just because you chose not to learn to drive or don't drive now-didn't read the entire thread-doesn't mean everyone else has to cater to you. And you do sound bitter and like you blame your DIL. I wouldn't go out of my way to kowtow to you either. And so what you have spare bedrooms. Downsize and give up the fantasy of what you think the purpose of your huge house should be.

You say your husband is tired of the situation; I'm guessing he's just tired of hearing you complaining about it.

I think you are both unreasonable and should be visiting each other unless your disability is such that you are not able to travel.

“The rest of the family all agree and won't visit them until they see me”.

And can you imagine the remarks your DS will get if he does venture to your house? 'Oh, finally managed to visit your mum then did you' or 'you do realise how upset you've made your mum' or similar. Which will make him get straight back in the car.

I can understand your potential problems with travelling by public transport if you're unwell. And I understand it's difficult if your DH won't drive you. But surely, out of the 'rest of the family' someone would be willing to drive you? Or are they all taking your side instead of saying 'mum/auntie/sis let me drive you down for the weekend - we'll make a little holiday of it - cos all of this needs to stop'. If they aren't doing that, they aren't doing you any favours I'm afraid.

I don't blame them. You are being completely selfish.

A 3.5hr car journey is not enjoyable without kids, let alone with 3 young ones. It'd probably end up being a 5 hr journey of you include 1-2stops for the toilet and to stretch legs, feed the baby. For that journey I'd want to stay for 3 nights minimum. However, shy would they want to stay with someone whose never once been to see their grandchildren.

They have to use up annual leave during the school holidays, and any joint time is probably for them to do exciting days out or a family holiday.

They also don't have the space for you to stay with them and if they're both working with 3 kids, probably too exhausted to have to entertain you.

It makes more sense for you to visit them- not the other way around.

I expect there's probably more too this than you're willing to acknowledge. Your son moves away and not once in that time has he been to see you and you not visit them- not even when their 1st child was born?!? You have significant health problems- does this mean you don't ever go anywhere? Based purely on what you've listed those health problems don't stop you from travelling within the UK.

I think if she’s stubborn to a degree that she’s NEVER visited, even when their first child was a newborn and couldn’t have been in the car for long - that trip would have required several stops - and, I guess, her health wasn’t as bad, given that she’s only recently stopped working and driving, then YES, she doesn’t want to hear she’s unreasonable. My guess is that the relationship would require lots of effort to be repaired and OP would not be willing to put this effort in. obviously don’t know about her son.
my other guess is that other family members do visit them, behind the OP’s back.

It's disgraceful that you have never met your GC. Look at their ages, 6,3,1. Those are really difficult ages to travel with. I have an almost 2yo and we wouldn't do a 3.5 hour trip with stops without it being a holiday. what's your Dh excuse? Does he have health problems that in 6 years he couldn't find the time to take you??
I don't blame your son and his wife for not making the effort, it's absolutely terrible on you that you haven't seen your family.

They moved away, drive and could stay in one of your three spare bedrooms.

Yet expect you, as a non-driver with health issues, to do the 150 mile journey on public transport and pay for a hotel.

I think they sound very selfish and it is a shame they are so unwilling to make any effort at all. Yet I know you will have had lots of replies saying that their work and young family mean that you should be doing all the running just because having children means that the world must revolve around you. I would never, and didn't, expect my parents to travel in those circumstances.

I'm sorry OP but you're the problem here. You've never visited them, you've made no effort at a time when their lives are hard. You snd your DH are the selfish ones here. Just bloody get in the car together snd go if you care a jot about them.

You didn’t bother to visit them even when they had just had their babies? You couldn’t make an exception to all the (frankly nonsensical) reasons not to visit even to meet your new grandchildren? Yeah, I think this relationship is beyond repair. That is a deep betrayal for your son to come back from and that’s without even considering the fact that you seem to consider yourself blameless.

You’re prioritising stubborn point scoring and perceived lack of fairness over meeting your grandchildren. Everything you’ve said makes me think you’re not upset that you’ve lost your relationship with your son, you’re upset that you’ve lost your power over him. If I’m being charitable and you genuinely do want to repair this relationship, I suggest therapy, a heartfelt apology, and a visit!!

Tbh you both sound as bad as each other.
Neither giving an inch and relationship fading away

And now I see that they've never visited, ever, not even to introduce you to gc.

150 miles is nothing. I'm surprised so many people would struggle with that. I did it regularly with four dc.

Selfish to move away and then not be willing to do any travelling imo.

How would you have felt if your parents refused to come see your newborn?

They could come and stay with you. They aren’t making any effort. As travelling is difficult for you perhaps your ds could drive to collect you. He could stay the night both times to make it easier for him.

@lemonmeringueno3

Surely it's easier for one person to travel rather than a family of 5 ?
This is a person that has never made the effort to meet her grandchildren and by the sounds of it has made the rest of the family go against the son and dil - why on earth would they want to travel and spend time with someone like that ?

Seeing as you've never even met the grandchildren, it really wouldn't be the best place to meet them - they'll be out of sorts from the car, unfamiliar surroundings, no toys and two strange people they've never seen before. It's really not going to go well. You need to go to them where they have their safety net and get to know them on their terms.

Great advice!

yep totally agree. she not telling us the full story here. I can imagine what the story would be if told from sons point of view