Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

What's the betting that this thread will be zapped due to "privacy concerns" or some such, just as soon as the OP properly takes on board the fact that virtually everyone thinks she is at fault?

Have you read the same thread?

They aren't frightened to. They don't want to. Because OP hasn't ever bothered to go see them. To see their home. Their new life. Any of their children ever.

Would you want to?

And when she realises that around 99% of the people who replied wouldn’t visit her either in the sons shoes!

When I had my daughter 12 years ago, my mum (who is sadly no longer with us) drove 2.5 hours to the hospital the same day because I hadn't text her back/answered her calls for a couple of hours and she was worried. She didn't check visiting times and got 20 minutes cuddling with us before they made her leave and she drove straight back home again.

I'd do the same for my daughter and future grandchild in a heartbeat.

OP, I'm a grandma, too. I'm 66. My advice is, 'Suck it up. Go. Maintain that relationship.'

This is going to sound a bit left field in relation to your post OP - but I would really recommend checking out Nicole Sachs’ podcast “the cure for chronic pain”. I really think her journalspeak technique would help you process your feelings around this, and maybe realise some things which you are doing which are contributing to this situation, if you’re able to be honest with yourself about it.

you say you’re not bitter - but from your posts I think if you look deep down, you’ll see that you are. You’re resentful and hurt and are punishing your son and blaming his wife for all of this. Yes it’s disappointing they don’t want to visit. But it is what it is. It’s hard with three little ones. Yes they could make the effort, but for whatever reason they aren’t. And instead of trying to make the situation better, you go round in circles with them trying to convince them to visit. You talk about it this (from your perspective) to friends and family who have likely become your echo chamber for how awful and unfair your son (DIL!) are… you can change this. But you have to want to, and do it with an open heart and willingness to make an effort. Letting go of the victim mentality in it all and trying to find some acceptance. The ball is in your court here and you’re currently cutting your nose off to spite your face, and feeling justified in it as people around you back up your stance. I don’t mean this to sound harsh, and I say it with kindness, as I think you’ve gotten into this situation and currently can’t see a way out. But if you care about your son and grandchildren as much as you say, it’s unfortunately up to you to make some changes in how you view this

Wait you've never been to visit, not even when they had newborns?! You seem reluctant to confirm that.
If that's the case I can see why they won't come to you. Really poor show on your part and I doubt it's only your DIL feeling pissed off about it.

Would you rather be ‘right’ or happy op?

Idk who gave you the idea you shouldn’t travel. You are responsible for your own life. I understand ill health and I would struggle to drive that distance due to it. But wild horses wouldn’t stop me from travelling to see a grandchild.

I think you're all wrong. You have a car and a driver to go for a visit. You can take a room for a night few times a year. Or they could be accommodating few times a year and make space. Also they could visit sometimes. But this has turned into a game and I'm sure there is a backstory.

If this is true then I reckon what happened is OP and her husband refused to visit when their son’s first baby was born. The son and DIL waited, and waited, and told them they were welcome and waited, expecting the OP to want to meet her new grandchild. OP never came and at that point the couple decided that they weren’t going to strap a tiny baby into a car to see people who couldn’t be arsed to come and see them with no good reason.

Meanwhile OP sat at home and kept inviting her son and his family to visit, not realising that by the simple act of STAYING AWAY they’d issued a big fuck off to the son and DIL and most of all the new baby.

My family are way older than you and drove up to meet their grandchild the first day they could. My parents came over 3.5 hours to help us out with something, because they love us. As a consequence, we also make the effort to go to them with young children.

All the debates about whether it is or isn't possible to do a 150 mile journey with dc are a bit irrelevant as far as I'm concerned.

Of course it's possible to travel with young children if you really want or need to. The point is, the OP's DS almost certainly doesn't want to because his parents made zero effort when his first child was born.

As it happens, I travelled across continents with my newborn baby to take her to meet her elderly grandmother in a very remote location because I understood that it was physically impossible for my MIL to travel the other way. There is nothing in the slightest that suggests that it would have been impossible for the OP to visit her son and DIL when their child was born 6 years ago, but she didn't want to because of some warped belief that they should be the ones making all the effort.

Like I say, we reap what we sow.

I wouldn't be keen on a 7 hour round trip with three young kids - no fun for anyone. Their time is more limited because they work, and working / raising young kids is generally quite exhausting without having to travel long distances in your leisure time. It will also mean a huge amount of packing - not just clothes but books, toys, kid cutlery, possibly baby monitors etc. Then kids often don't sleep well in unfamiliar environments. It's a shame that they're not willing to make the effort occassionally, I would. But I can also see why they're reluctant. I think grandparents often forget what hard work little kids are. From their point of view, you have all the time in the world and literally need to just pack one bag and hop on a train. I'm sure they could pick you up from the nearest station. Shame they can't put you up, but I'd treat it as a nice little holiday by the sea. Getting into this whole 'if you're not coming to me then I'm not coming to you' thing is silly - you're the one who will lose out on a relationship with your grandkids, and you'll regret that.

Hi. I think both should take it in turns to visit, well not necessarily turns exactly but both families should make the effort.

for what it’s worth, my husband moved 250 miles to live with me, it was mostly expected that we would be the ones to visit so that all the family that still lived there could get together, which was fine pre children, but we did both work full time, once we started a family it became harder and visits gradually lessened. I have to admit, that although i saw the sense of everyone being able to get together, it saddened and annoyed me that no one thought to make the effort to visit us occasionally, it was always expected of us. Did make me quite bitter tbh, we did have room and everyone would have been very welcome. I also wouldn't assume that its your dil that doesn’t want to visit. My husband was the one who said it should be both ways, as he worked full time and was hurt that his family didn't make any effort, i always said it was his family and if he wanted to visit we would, as i know i would be making the effort if mine lived far away, as they would to see me too.

Could you meet them somewhere halfway for a weekend away together?

My retired Mum doesn't drive and we live over a couple of hours drive away from each other, but has in the past turned down invites to meet halfway. As a result, I only see her a couple of times a year when I have time to travel to her. I also resent always being the one to have to make the effort if I'm honest.

I am your son in this situation and I feel they could make more of an effort to visit you once or twice a year, but I suspect your resentment of the move to the sea is showing through in a million ways you aren’t aware of and they have decided it’s not worth the upset and effort.

The fact you CAN easily get there, regardless of health issues, your dh is more than able to drive means that you are both choosing not to see them, which is very hurtful. Especially if they are struggling with such young children.

You are punishing them for moving away which is deeply unkind, and turning the rest of the family against them is very manipulative.

You are likely to lose your son and beloved grandchildren by refusing to compromise, and care enough as a parent to support and visit your son.

Yes I think your son could visit, but based on your posts I would say there is a huge back story and you are not a kind and loving parent, but someone that wants everything on their own terms.

I did think this might be a reverse?

YABVU for all the reasons explained already. But I doubt you'll accept that or come back to the thread.

This. How can you possibly think you are in the right?!

You need to try, really try, to make peace with the fact that they have moved away (which is a perfectly normal and reasonable thing for adult people to do) and accept that this is the way things are now. And then behave accordingly: you’re a grandparent whose adult child, his wife and your grandchildren live by the sea, how lovely, go and spend a couple of days over a weekend with them finding out all about their lives, what the children like to do by the sea, all the fun treasures they can show you. They are at such lovely ages! And you’re currently missing out on experiencing them during these precious years, through nobody’s fault but your own. Doesn’t matter that you think they shouldn’t have moved away: it’s not your life. Doesn’t matter that you think they should visit you instead: they have very very good reasons. It’s up to you to fix this now by, yes, “giving in” if that is the only way you can think of it. What would you lose by “giving in”? What are you losing by carrying on as you are?

Be very careful. You are setting up a very difficult situation. You are being stubborn and refusing to see them. This is absolutely the definition of cutting off your nose to spite your face.

By behaving like this, you have made your house feel less welcoming. You will now be seen as a duty or obligation. That is one of my biggest fears and I would never want my kids to feel they have to see me. I want them to want to see me.

Ultimately they have the ‘power’. They have the grandchildren. It is much harder for them to visit you in any case.

If you let this continue, you will miss out. Your son has moved on with his life and has a lovely new family. You need to deal with it and accept it. Swallow your pride, slap on a smile, build some bridges and visit.

I met two new grandchildren on separate day visits 250 miles each way. I’m in my 60s and disabled. The OP is being ridiculous.

I am similar age to you OP, although am lucky that I can still drive.
DS1 and family live around a 5 hour drive away and they see her family more because they are closer. We have never stopped making the effort to visit though, even when it does feel like a stretch and usually go every month or two as we want to be part of our DGCs lives. After the birth of their first baby, we offered to stay in a hotel if they wanted more space while we were visiting (they declined the offer) but it really isn't that hard to do.
It does sound to me, as others have said, as though you are putting obstacles in your own way

It all seems very “My way or no way”. Yes, they could visit you, but because they haven’t, you are indulging in this martyr-like tit for tat. If you’re really that desperate to see your grandchildren, why is proving you’re in the right more important than actually making it happen?

My mother in law in poor health did come down on a very long coach trip to see our kids a few times, though she was also a nervous traveller. That said she did stay at our house and we also made the 200 mile journey to see her, despite the kids not being brilliant travellers. She’s never been a driver. So it can be done both ways

My parents lived in London and I'd moved to Devon when I had young children. My mum didn't drive and I didn't have a car at that time.

Mum came to visit by train every 4-6 weeks during those times and I went about twice a year to London with the children. I could put her up. Have they got a sofa you can use? Mum was happy enough to rough it and do that.

It is hard but I think whoever has the most time is able to be inconvenienced most for travel.

My son moved 600+ miles away and has started a family with my wonderful DIL. They have a little who is 2.5. I go to them. While they would see all the family here, it is harder for them to take time off and travel and bring everything the little needs to come here. So, I go there. I drive or fly every few months. If I was unable to do that, there are greyhound buses and other means to get there. It is not up to the kids to maintain their children's relationship with grandparents. It's yours. Especially after i read that they have 3 under 7? That's not easy to just hop in a car for hours.