Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

I think it's tricky for everyone. We lived this distance from my mum- when we had a baby and a toddler we rarely went to her despite her house being bigger. She had to brave a train, 2 tubes then another train and a miles walk to visit her grandchildren. She never complained and often fitted in a visit to a London museum to break the journey up.
Travelling with children that age is really painful, especially with naps, feeding and nappies to fit in. Or school, homework and hobbies/clubs/class parties.
I think it depends exactly what they're saying, are they saying "our children are too young for the journey, we work full time and it's too hectic right now to visit you, please visit us" or are they saying "we will never ever visit you again". I suspect its the former, in which case, if I were you I would book a train ticket, organise a hotel and see the child and grandchildren you are missing. Or miss out until they're older and your son resents you for not being there for him. It's not "fair" and of course they should try and visit you, but why would you want them to struggle to see you when they don't want to, if you can enjoy a holiday there with them, when its you that's desperate to see them.
When my children have children I plan to sacrifice a lot for them (babysitting, childcare, food deliveries, cleaning and cooking), it's a tough time in life and I see it as another sacrifice a parent makes. You'll get it back when your GC look after you in your dottage.

Oooo that’s a call out haha

with this op tho even if it’s true she will
claim her whole family say she’s a size 8 😏🙃

So you’ve never been to visit them when they’ve had their babies? And now the rest of the family won’t visit them because it would upset you? Nope, this one is on you.

Yes, it would be nice, now that their kids are a bit older, for them to suck it up and come and see you. However, if my parents or in-laws had made no effort while my babies were tiny then I sure as hell wouldn’t be going out of my way to go to them.

You sound like the stereotypical mother in law - it’s all because they are seeing the daughter in law’s family and they’ve moved where she likes. Nothing to do with the fact that you’ve given zero support while they’ve had their babies and clearly resent your daughter in law (which she will obviously pick up on). My in-laws do not particularly like me but they would do anything for their grandchildren (at various stages while having heart issues and cancer) and so have a good relationship - don’t let your resentment of your daughter in law deprive your grandkids of a relationship with you.

Either make an effort and see your grandkids or don’t, it’s up to you. If you start making an effort and they never reciprocate then that is another matter but until you try why should they - it sounds like they have a lot more on their plate than you do and you have a lot of making up to do for the newborn/baby stage if you really have never seen them, so it’s on you to make the first move.

I think you need therapy of some sort to unpick this.

You have one life - this is your child. Would you rather be 'right' or have a relationship with them and your grandchildren?

clearly bitterness and lack of flexibility on both sides right now - but you could choose to fix that even if it feels hard.

150 miles by the way is not much! Both sets of our grandparents are much further than that.

Why not suggest a weekend away altogether at a half way point in a holiday cottage?

Admittedly for us the distance was only 1hr but like fuck was I going anywhere with a newborn!

I would expect at least the first visit to be done by the GPs barring extenuating reasons!

I can't believe you didn't visit them when they had their babies. That is so selfish.

You sound truly toxic.

Have you ever visited?
have you met your grendchildren

I doubt any of them want to be together for a weekend!

Alienating the entire family from your son is not an act of love. It's an act of hatred. You gambled that this abhorrent tactic would force your son to back down. It's six years later. You've lost the game. No relationship with your son. No relationship with your grandchildren. You and your husband have created this toxic situation. You need to make the first step. And the rest of-- your family need to learn a bit of indendent thought--

I would catch a train and book into a Premier Inn or similar. If your husband doesn't want to go, go on your own. I would keep inviting them to visit you as well, it's not really fair for it to be all one way.
You can't force them to visit you though so if you want to see them you will have to go with the flow.
Also make sure no negativity about their decision to move is obvious and make the visit pleasant. They are more likely to want to visit if they enjoy your visit to them.

You really cannot be bothered. So nor can they. Your loss.

And please don't give any sign that you put his reluctance to do a 300 mile round trip to your DIL's "influence". That's straying very close to blaming her.

I think that ship has sailed.

And if any sense of this has communicated itself to the couple, as these things are wont to do, it might explain both DS's and DiL's reluctance to visit.

OP's phrase 'I shouldn't give in' is also revealing. The choice here is very straightforward. Do you want to be right? Or do you want a relationship with your grandchildren?

"Her and her seaside longings" 😂😂😂

You can't even take a car journey that long with a newborn. Did you really put the fact that you wanted other family members to see the baby above the need for mum and baby to rest? And it didn't occur to you that you could go and help with cooking and a bit of laundry which might show that you care? If you can host them at your home you could certainly have helped out at theirs.

Stop whinging. You could have 30 more years left in you.

Get a date booked, stay in an air bnb or whatever and mend this broken relationship.

Please, please take your head out of your arse and see the bigger picture, you bloody silly woman. You and your daft husband need to tell your son and DIL that you're coming to visit, book a b&b, get yourselves down to the seaside and spend some time with your grandchildren. Think of it as a mini holiday, you might even enjoy yourselves!

OP, I've just seen that you're 62. Not 92. Honestly, in the nicest possible way, get over yourself.

I'm 61 next week, still working full time, with a 16yo ds and recovering from breast cancer. I travel every week without making such a fuss.

The facts are:

• Your ds has moved away. He doesn't live around the corner like your dd does. You need to accept that and adapt.
• They are two working parents, while you are retired. You have freedom and time that they do not.
• Their house is set up for children, yours is not
• Their house is near the beach, yours is not.
• Travelling 300 miles with three small children would be miserable. Travelling by yourself is easy.

Your objection seems to be a determination to force them to do things your way. You 'refuse to give in'. Wtf. Can't you hear how controlling you are? 'The rest of the family agree with me' So you've tried to pressure them and to get other family members to take sides. Nasty!!

If faced with such behaviour, I wouldn't come and see you either. It sounds like you resent the fact that your ds has a new life with his wife, and you aren't queen bee anymore.

There is no reason you can't visit them except your own obstinacy and controlling manipulativeness.

That obstinacy will prevent you having a strong relationship with your ds' children, which is terribly said - and completely your choice.

OP, have you actually met any of your grandchildren? Have you not made any effort to see them since their first was born six years ago? Presumably your health wasn't as bad back then?

Honestly, the more you update the thread and talk about them the more I am understanding why your son and DIL won't come stay with you, I wouldn't either. You have manipulated family into not seeing them because they won't come and see you. It's all toxic and horrid.

This. You're 62, not 82.

This 👏🏻

They just had a baby and you couldn't make the effort as parents to visit your son, his wife and new baby. If you were my "mother" I'd never speak to you again I'd be so hurt.

I say that as someone with a mum in similar circumstances to you health wise and living a distance away. We both make the effort, if I've just had a baby she does more of the visits, if she's just had surgery or her health is poorer than normal I do more of the visits.

It's unlikely you all agree too, people just don't want to tell you how unreasonable you're being or they're all equally as delusional and selfish.

You sound like you think your options are a)make them visit you or b) cut them off.

if you have been in a cycle of lack of communication and not physically visiting then I’m afraid it is incumbent on you to break that cycle.

I am sure your son feels sad about the lack of contact at a level - but they have young children and jobs and a family members who make it easier for them to spend time together.

I am sorry you feel hurt and angry. I am sorry that you have health issues. I worry that by digging your heels in here you’re hurting yourself more than anyone else. and you are the one with the power to change that.

if I was you I would take a deep breath. Book a trip to stay near by. Work out a way to travel comfortably on a nice air conditioned coach trip or train. Book a taxi at the other end. Be enthusiastic and loving to your grandchildren. Join in with them. Enjoy them.

do it again 6 months later.

then ask them to come and visit. They’ll be bringing their children to see someone they are excited to see.

Seriously some people are pathetic. We lived abroad. Drove home every school holidays to see my parents and family. 10 hours door to door and crossed the channel. Did it with small babies, toddlers and older kids. We made it work. They all survived. Songs, games, a couple of stop offs. It’s sad they are too frightened to do a 3.5 hour journey with kids . I guess some people can’t venture out of their comfort zone.