Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

Honestly OP, sit yourself down and give yourself a good talking too.
I'm a similar age to you, with friends who all have GC. There's one of them, OMG, she never shuts up about how hard she has it because her nasty DIL doesn't let her push her around.
The hatred towards the poor girl for "stealing her don" and being "controlling" for not letting her take her 4month old DGD on holiday. It's ridiculous.
You are the one who is making yourself look like a dick dear.

My parents live 4000 miles from us and they still visit us as we visit them . It should be a 2 way street . Have you ever been to their home ?

Crikey my mum is 84 and disabled, dad not too far behind. They still fly and visit us at least once a year and stay in a hotel.
Yabu

In a stale mate you can either stubbornly refuse to budge or you can start mirroring the behaviour you want to see in return

My pil are 250miles away from us. On a good run it's 4h but it can take 8h with traffic not including stops. My 3yo still need breaks every 2-3h so doing in on hit like we used to still isn't possible. We do share the travel but since I returned to work when she was 13 months my in-laws have done more of the travelling. If it's a weekend get together most of the time they come to see us. They can travel during the day at their own pace and often come up a day early to explore our local area. When we can go down for 4-10 days we are more likely to go to theirs. The journey and packing up life is more worth it and our daughter can settle into their house much more after a few days and we enjoy the end of the trip more than the start as she's less shy and in her shell

Show willing and they might start to reciprocate. How do you realistically see this ending?

You have made it into a battle of wills and ultimately you will lose the chance to see your son and grandchildren.

If they've moved 3.5 hours away and its not for work / her family being nearby then there has to be a back story whereby they intentionally want to get away from the OP.
Its not clear if the 3.5 hours is each way or return journey? Is it by car or train?

Sadly, I suspect my DH will wind up cut off one day. He's the only one who ever calls his mum out on the batshit things she comes out with.

We're currently day 8 of the silent treatment because she asked him what his plans were that day and then called him selfish for having any plans at all when she needed him to do something completely not urgent.

She's a lovely MIL and mother and grandparent when she's in a sane mood. But catch her in the wrong mood and you don't stand a chance.

Unfortunately I think it's going to mean she does miss out on a lot, because he won't take being treated like that. By anyone.

And no, I'm not MIL bashing. I get on reasonably well with her when she's not losing her mind at my DH for no reason. I stay out of this element of it and let DH handle it how he sees fit.

@OP is the one missing out. Because a relationship that's all on one person's terms is not one the other side misses.

Where are the other three? Can you focus on them?

I think we can only assume that the OP has significantly exaggerated her health issues, given how eager she was to portray herself as a frail old lady at the grand old age of 62!

And it's clear from what she has said that the DS believes that his mother could visit if his father was prepared to drive her there, so he obviously considers her capable of the car journey. Which I'm sure she would be if her DH was willing to get off his arse to go and visit his son, but he isn't.

From the DS's perspective, neither of his parents are willing to make an effort. It's hardly any wonder that he has just decided that they aren't worth the bother.

Have you personally done a journey (any sort) with a 6, 3 and 1 yo? Have you actually got any idea how stressful it is? YABU.

Irrespective of what your other family members say, we can all see that there are definitely two sides to this story and hear the resentment and entrenched views in your comments.

I'm sorry to say that I can completely understand their lack of wanting to visit you as you have made absolutely no effort to see them and your grandchildren in 6 years. You have also pitted other family members against them. None of this behaviour is the actions of a loving grandparent or parent.

If you continue along the same path you may as well accept that you will not have a future relationship with your son and zero relationship with his children. It really is your choice here.

Putting three children, at the young ages they currently are, in the back of a car for a 3.5 hour journey (probably longer with traffic) to stay in someone elses home is FAR more stressful than you and your DH hopping on a train with a small suitcase and checking into a nice hotel by the sea

This.

The thing op needs to see and she won’t because she’s hard as stone.

Who’s missing out.

Are the grandchildren missing out on family
who cannot be arsed and thus don’t know or are the family missing out on getting to know these newer family members via stubbornness.

Now as someone who’s Nc with a family member I can tell you my children ages 8-15 have asked once why they don’t know who X is because someone else has mentioned them. A simple “They where given the option to see you without Y or not at all, they picked Y who’s a bad person” accepted and never missed or asked about again. My and family member. Asks monthly to family I do talk to about us and our life’s funnily enough. She misses us, they don’t know or care about her and I would only attended her funeral to make sure she’s dead….

My dc are older but have weekend clubs etc. if my in-laws come to us then they can carry on with those activities AND enjoy seeing granny and grandad.

my brother moved to North America so my parents (who are retired) spend 4 weeks out there with them each year. You seem to be taking it really personally.

@changinghairstyle could you clarify if you have in fact met any of your 3 grandchildren by your son, your post seems to suggest that you haven't, and I think that fact is likely crucial to be able to comment/advise sufficiently.

Perhaps he stays away for his own mental health and sanity.

@changinghairstyle my 67 year old neighbor is just back from new Zealand- Her daughter in law just had twins -she went over for a month to help them out
Nearly a 24 hour flight and you cant manage a 150 miles trip on the train

I felt sorry for you until you said a) you have a DH, his father, that does drive, so public transport isn't the only option (and if he won't take you, he's the problem not your son) and b) you have if I understand correctly NEVER visited even when they had newborns. If my parents weren't willing to spend one night in a hotel, or doing a long day round trip, to meet their grandchildren I wouldn't be putting on the effort later either. I think later on or should be more even if you are both equally reluctant to travel (unlike me, I hate hosting so always visit mil if possible!), or yes ideally the one who chose should put slightly more of the effort in it needed, but when they have newborns you have to be the one who puts effort in.

I suspect they see more of the in laws because they put more effort in than you do so it's reciprocated. And yes she probably does favour seeing her parents, so it's your ds's job to make sure they see you. If he doesn't you might want to reflect on that, not blame her. I feel like the fact that his own dad 'isnt bothered' about seeing him may hint to one reason.

Please op, go and have a nice short break by the sea and visit them, or accept you don't have any relationship with them, because one of you has to crack first.

What do you want, a cookie? Maybe your kids are just worryingly docile or something? It's hard for most (normal) people, and 3.5h is too long in a carseat for kids that young. Bottom line is, it's easier for OP to travel and stay with her family than it is the other way around. Hope that helps you understand

Tbh from the posts we’ve seen from OP, I can see decent reason her son has chosen not to.

You're being unreasonable l
My 80 year old aunty has never driven and travels from the north-west to Kent to visit her brother (my dad) let alone her grandchildren. She gets a train, then tubes across London, then another train. She started doing this 10 years ago when she was widowed, having never even been on the Tube before.
Tell yourself you CAN do things rather than you can't.

This really stood out for me, OP:

"I have tried and tried to get them to come but we never get anywhere.
Yes I believe it probably is my dil who influences what happens but never have I ever said anything and I don't dislike her, she grew up near the sea and dh took no interest in the sea before they met but this is still our son's home and we are sad that he doesn't want to visit."

BIB: It was his home, OP, but his home is now where he lives, with his wife and his family. If I was married to someone whose mother said things like this, I would feel very uncomfortable, tbh; sort of slightly undermined and a bit excluded. And please don't give any sign that you put his reluctance to do a 300 mile round trip to your DIL's "influence". That's straying very close to blaming her.

If your DH won't take a few days off work to go and visit his son and his GCs, then go alone. Get the train or coach and book a B&B. Build some bridges, before it's too late.

3.5 hours is nothing for either party tbh. They can’t be arsed and neither can you. How about meeting somewhere in the middle?

Christ you sound like hard work 🙄

Just because you and most of your family have always lived in one town, doesn't mean that all your offspring are obliged to live there/travel there.

I can't believe you didn't even visit when the baby was born! You expected a woman who'd just given birth to travel for 3.5hours (or probably more) with a new born, her own physical issues post-birth, two other small children and a (no doubt) sleep deprived husband at the wheel to suit you; do you honestly not see how unreasonable that is?

It sounds like your health issues (bad knees, diabetes, bad heart, bad back etc) are obesity related. Obviously I could be wrong, but if I'm right that is within your gift to change; it's not like cancer.

Imagine a life where you could work and travel a lot easier and had considerably less health issues. Why don't you spend a year improving your health with diet and exercise and then you'll feel more able to visit; surely you want to be healthier?

‘I won’t give in’. That tells you all you need to know.

The conversation is with your son directly. It’s easier for you to believe it’s all your DIL (and have recruited all your family to believe so) than maybe your son is happy with the status quo. Be brave and ask him. It’s not your DIL place to facilitate a grown man and his family arrangements. She’s probably is blissfully unaware how you are all conspiring against her!