Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

Indeed this isn’t about him finding it too hard to bring the children.

He doesn’t want to give in to his bully family who haven’t been arsed to see him in at least 6 years, who blame his wife for him moving away.

His been raised as the black sheep while the others haven’t got out of the FOG

Downsize and move closer to them, you don't need 3 empty bedrooms and all the stress of running a big house when you have health problems. Will be lovely for your health to be near the sea.

So they ‘expect’ your husband to take time off? Surely your son and/or his wife work so you expect them to take time off to visit you because you can’t be bothered. You sound awful and entitled. This relationship is already beyond repair.

I am always astounded at how elderly parents are completely disposable and suplerflous to the new "family". I always just hope the children of the younger family grow up and treat their own parents in the same shit way . If there is no concept of support and wider family, I dont see much point in reproducing.

“The rest of the family all agree and won’t visit them until they see me but that doesn’t seem to bother them…. friends and family all agree I shouldn’t give in and travel in my condition”

Goodness. Can’t think why your son and his family aren’t beating a path to your door so he can see everyone 🤔

So you don’t think maybe the op being who she is, is the issue rather than just being an elderly relative… bad people don’t become nice because they get old.

The language you use is interesting - friends and family agree that you shouldn't "give in". It does sound like a battle of wills. Something where there will be a winner and a loser.

I live around 150 miles from my parents and my in-laws. We have all moved. We all travel to visit and to have holidays together. Over the years the balance of who does more travelling has changed. There is sometimes resentment around who gets the better deal.

Travelling 300 miles with 3 young kids in a weekend is tiring. We stopped doing Friday after work trips as it there was a time when it felt unsafe as we were so tired. And travelling there on Saturday to travel back on Sunday meant we didn't get a break. So it was limited to school and bank holidays. Then kids have Parties, sports fixtures, adults are trying to balance annual leave.

Does your husband work weekends? Why would you not travel and make a holiday of it, stay somewhere nice near them and spend time with them? Even once a year? If you make the effort, they may be willing to reciprocate and travel next time?

Tell us you haven't read the whole thing without telling us.

62. Eldest grandchild is 6. Never once visited them.

My sister moved to Australia. My parents visited regularly from the UK and made sure they were there for the births of all three grandchildren. They also travelled 350 miles to see my brother’s children when they were born, and mine, a mere 70 miles away. They went out to Oz every year after the grandchildren were born, well into their late 70s. Ffs, my grandparents travelled a month by sea to visit my parents when my sister was born.

If you cared so little about your son’s family that you couldn’t be bothered to visit to see your newborn grandchildren, I’m not surprised your son has no desire to maintain any contact with you.

That is too cruel! 😂😂🤣

What has OP's son done to deserve that?

You must be one of his siblings, but I suspect you won't get rid of her that easily... 😉

If there is no concept of support and wider family, I dont see much point in reproducing.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

I’ve travelled up and down for 23yrs with 3 kids since I moved, including with a serious illness. I’m sure they feel like you don’t want to see them if you’ve not even been once

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos Except I have read it. Go figure.

Yes! re: tagging

Wow, digging in Pompeii, how wonderful! Creating great memories too!

And yet you think this is elderly relatives being binned off, not a mother refusing to meet her son's child?

OP, kindly, the more you post, the more unreasonable you seem.

Plus you’ve only shared your side of the story, I’d imagine that if we hear your DS’s / DIL’s version of events then you’d appear event worse.

The comment about the rest of the family no longer being in contact is particularly hard to read, it sounds like a very toxic environment, and your DH does not sound pleasant towards his own child.

You never know how many years anybody has left. Please pick up the phone to your DS and apologise for your part in this sorry state of affairs, and ask him, if you can come and meet your DGC.

Wrong quote 😳😳

Which is it OP?

Can you not stay at their house because they don't have room, or because they aren't comfortable with you staying there?

I'm struggling to take this thread seriously now, I can't believe someone has never met their grandchild simply because they cannot be arsed to travel to them

I didn't reproduce so that my dd could support me when I was older. What a sad, transactional way of looking at things.

My dd will be under zero obligation to do anything to support me when she's older. She owes me nothing. Of course, I hope that she will want to spend time with me because I hope that we will continue to enjoy a loving and mutually considerate relationship, but I fully recognise that we both have responsibilities with regard to making that happen.

Elderly parents are not generally tossed aside unless they're utterly toxic like the OP. I do loads for my elderly parents and for another elderly relative, but I do it off the back of the strong relationships that they worked hard to build. If they had shown me in their mid fifties that they weren't interested and that they couldn't be arsed to make even the most basic of effort, I doubt that we would have the relationship that I have with them now that they're in their eighties and in need of my support.

I mean op cannot sit in a car for 3.5hours or move around on a. Train. The move would probably finished her off.

Maybe that’s the plan 😳😳😅🥲

You've caught me out, my hobby is convincing pensioners to downsize so they don't sit in houses they don't need for 20 years and letting them fall into disrepair so the next buyers have to spend loads extra fixing and updating everything 😁

The more you type @changinghairstyle the more shameful I think your behaviour is.

In fact, had she not died, I would be saying 'Aunty Peggy, is that you?'

She cut off her eldest DS as he stood up for his wife when his mum (Aunty Peggy) was being rude about her to her other DILs.

Being the matriarch of the family she turned her other sons against their DB so they also cut contact

Unfortunately, she stayed 'true to her word' and never contacted him again. She missed out on 2 exceptional GC growing up and a lovely DIL. She died in January. A really nasty lady who rather be 'right' than gracious and magnanimous. She was a vindictive tw@

Do you want to end up like that?

FFS, be an adult. Visit them. You are the key to resolving this family rift. And BTW after 6 years of not visiting them, I would absolutely advise staying in a B&B or AirBNB - it will be stressful enough without you being house guests as well.

In any case, if you've read the thread, you'll see that the OP isn't even elderly!

Do you think they don't believe your health issues are that bad @changinghairstyle ?

Do you never go on holiday then?