Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

What's wrong with travelling with a baby? As per my previous post, I did it a lot. Life can't grind to a halt because you've got children nor should it revolve around you. That's a narrow and frankly pathetic outlook. Not very liberating either and pretty Victorian in mentality. Perhaps women should also lock themselves away when they have periods or be given smelling salts if they hear a loud noise.

I think it's unfortunate, but I don't see anything wrong with them moving to a place they think is nicer to live. I also think the amount of free time people working full time with 3 small kids have and what you have is very different. I'd make the effort to visit them and keep the relationship there. Things change over time, if it matters make the effort or they may end up gone for good.

but this is still our son's home and we are sad that he doesn't want to visit.

I'd be more inclined to visit if we could stay at their house but they are not comfortable with this again not something I can envisage my son decided but if that's the case I don't see why not come here then.

Your son's home is where he lives now with his family.

And it's impertinent to insist on staying with them.
Why can't you see it as a holiday and book a nice hotel nearby?

Also, although you have some illnesses- bad joints, diabetes, heart issues- is there any chance that being more active might help improve those? They're often linked to being inactive and maybe overweight.

You seem to be resigned to being 'old and ill' yet you are hardly old and maybe your health could improve with some changes?

Diabetes can be reversed in many people now and being active is always going to help.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
you’ve just reminded me of so many holidays 🤪
Have kids will travel, but then we both love travelling…

The rest of the family all agree and won't visit them until they see me but that doesn't seem to bother them

well no, I wouldn’t be bothered - you sound like bullying arseholes. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m sorry but you are UR, they have young school aged children and are limited on annual leave due to kids school holidays and personal leave (going on holiday)

For them to visit you . They both would need to take annual leave… so the comment about your dh taking annual leave is pot, kettle , black!

it doesn’t matter why they’ve moved, they have and if you want to maintain a relationship with your family then you need to put the effort in.

I understand where they are coming from . My mother has visited me twice in 25 year and sadly for her she has limited relationship with her grandsons…. On the other hand my MIL lives on the other side of the world and calls/visits us/ pays for the boys to regularly visit hers etc…

Relationships are a 2 way streak… you seem to only want it one sided.

But your son has also got his own family now which you and your husband are choosing not to be part of. I can't believe your husband wouldn't drive you both to visit them, not even once?!

My parents were driving to Italy and back until they were in their late 70s so it seems puzzling that you can’t do a 3.5 hour drive, even with poor health. Your chronic health conditions, while unfortunate, are not of the type that preclude travel.

Why would he ever want to travel to you when you’ve turned his entire family against him.

Frankly at this point. Just stop. Leave them alone to live a happy life without the lot of you.

Your other children are only fine because clearly the strings haven’t let them move away. Heaven forbid one child does.

If you really wanted to see them you’d find away. Anyway.

but no just leave them be in peace.

Did it ever occur to you that different babies and children have different tolerances for travel?

my children have all fucking HATED the car at 1 and under. Fully SCREAMING for the entire time. One of them would not fall asleep and just continue. Nothing in this world would have convinced me to do a 3.5 hour trip with. Screaming baby. No way.

I feel sorry for your son. his own mother not bothered to come and meet any of his kids while playing happy families with the rest of his siblings not to mention turning the whole family against him

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

But you do have a car!

Honestly if you come out with this shit to your son it's no wonder he doesn't visit.

I know, it's brought back memories for me to. We never even really thought about it, we just did it. We had some wonderful times and it enriched my children from a young age.

@changinghairstyle my dad is older than you, has some health issues, wild horses wouldn't keep him from my DD.

My mum is 1 year younger than you. Has severe arthritis. On the list for joint replacements. Gets in the car and travels 4 hours to see DD.

I go to them too, but they do this because they want to be hand on grandparents and they want to know her. DH and I both work, so we have limited free time, so they choose to use theirs to come and visit.

And for those people saying you can travel with kids, of course you can. But would you want to travel 3.5 hours (minimum) with young kids to visit people who have refused to ever visit you, even when you've just had a baby?

Travelling with young kids is hard. Travelling with health issues is hard. Why is your ‘hard’ harder than theirs?

I’ve also never understood why people are supposed to take annual leave to visit family who are retired and could come to them literally any time.

but I think you’ve lost the argument here when you said you didn’t travel to see them with a newborn. Yikes, Op.

I don't think that either of you are wrong with not wanting to travel, but is being "right" worth more to you than not having a relationship with your Son and Grandchildren?

@changinghairstyle I think this really sounds like your son is totally estranged from his whole family and it is not a true representation to say that they expect you to visit, something much bigger than that is going on.

You are being extremely passive about this. There is likely to be some major underlying issues that have caused your son to be estranged from the family. You have your family around you validating your estrangement, while your son is really out on a limb. Do any of your other children make an effort with him?

Is the move away the reason that he was cast out? It is very normal for families to be spread many more hours away from each other. There are advantages, the times you spend together can be much more meaningful, you visit new places and have dedicated time together. It is a shame that you have cut yourself off from that.

Read all your replies since my previous post

Unfortunately I get the impression that you are stuck in your ways. You say you are still living in the house you brought the kids up in. I'd assume that you don't like change or being spontaneous? There's a big old world out there for exploring. Why not explore it before your health conditions worsen and you can't? Make some memories with your grandkids, stay in a fancy hotel, eat at some restaurants on the sea front. Having lived on the coast it truly is stunning. Experience something that isn't being stuck in your regular cycle and surroundings.

I get the feeling it's got to be your way or the highway.

This is just so silly.There has to be give and take. You need to make the first move...book a holiday by the sea near where they live and enjoy your grandchildren..then the next time find some sort of compromise. 3.5 hours is not that far...I've driven that round trip in a day plenty of times (with 3 kids). You are really lucky to have grandchildren.

My Granny lived 6.5 hours away by car and 8 by train with two changes. She used to come at least three times a year to stay at least a week. During this time she taught myself and my sister to cook, sew and knit.
I remember being so excited travelling to the station to collect her. We felt so special that she had made such a big effort for us each time.
This was in the 1970s I think she got on the train at 8am and we used to pick her up and 6pm.

If working and having a young family isn't a barrier to travelling, what's the reason why none of your other children couldn't have taken you to visit so they could have met their nieces/nephews too?

Maybe they deliberately moved 3.5 hours away- do you get on?

I moved to a different country and my mum who's older than you (and brothers+kids) came to meet my baby (just like I came to meet theirs). My mum has since been again herself and I've been home twice in the 8 months since he was born and we each have a visit planned. It meant the absolute world to me that my family came to meet my wee one.
I can't believe you've never gone to see them no wonder they won't see you when you clearly aren't bothered. I feel so sad for your son.

They’re being a bit selfish. I have family members who moved 450 miles away aunt and uncle both worked full time. At least once if not twice a year they packed themselves up and drove to my grandparents for a holiday, and this was in the 1970s when the roads weren’t what they are now, and average family cars weren’t very comfortable either.
M grandparents also used to visit them on the train. My cousins therefore grew up knowing their cousins and grandparents, and as adults with grown up kids, we still visit each other now

Okay, the fact that he has three siblings that he also has no interest in seeing, changes my opinion a little. That's pretty sad, and I'd be really upset if that's how things ended up with my own family.

I genuinely don't know the answer here. What leaps to mind is all of you (including his siblings and their families) have a big family seaside holiday there to reconnect with him and your GCs. But that's very much more easily said than done, with regard to leave from work for all of them at the same time etc.

I still think it's worth you giving it one last chance though. If you and your DH can swallow your pride and aim to have a nice seaside break in which you see them, you'll have more idea as to whether it's worth pursuing the relationship. But you would absolutely have to be positive and affectionate while you're there, rather than resentful, however you really feel.