Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

Was your health as bad when your son's first child was born?

I'd be really interested to hear their side as from everything you've said (including updates) you are totally unreasonable and frankly don't deserve a relationship with your son or grandchildren if you are prepared to 'win' in this tit for tat nonsense. It sounds like they checked out many years ago so I'd be surprised if they welcomed you with open arms even if you did turn up now. Like I said in my post my in-laws managed to travel five hours nearly 20 years older than you with significant health conditions including mobility (& FIL dementia before he died).

Honestly Op you make me so bloody angry.

You have a chance to see your GC & don't bloody well bother.

So you honestly expect him to come and bring his children who none of you have EVER MET and sit in front of his whole family who you’ve tuned against him and have refused to see him or his children for YEARS and what? Sit together holding hands playing monopoly? How do you think this toxic dynamic of “us” versus your son and his family is going to play out?

REALLY?

I do appreciate your health problems OP, and that it's not easy for you.

However, I do think that as you have a husband who can drive you, it's amazingly stubborn of you to have actually refused to do this journey at the expense of even meeting your grandchildren.

Like yes, your preference is for them to come to you, but if it's not happening surely seeing your son and grandchildren means more to you than the slight discomfort of sitting in the car for a few hours?

I did too Kandalama. We even drove to Italy when my son was 6 months old in an old Morris Minor with no heating or air conditioning and terry towelling nappies. I didn't breastfeed but his bottles were sterilised on a camping stove.

Not being able to travel with children seems to be a very strange modern phenomenon.

Yes I believe it probably is my dil who influences what happens but never have I ever said anything and I don't dislike her

trust me, you don't need to say it. your dislike oozes out of every sentence you write.

You still didn't say why you never went there... you just beat around the bush. Why did you never bother?

100% agree. I know a few ladies who did this and it was bloody miserable to see and frankly, they too were bloody miserable. You could have another 30 years yet FFS stop being a martyr stop being so bloody pigheaded pick up the phone to your son apologise and book a bloody train ticket & hotel and go and see them this weekend. Or wallow in self pity if that's what you'd prefer as those are your only choices

People travel with babies, yes. But they shouldn't be expected to. Especially when the grandparents are a lot more free to travel

This! Exactly this.

Why on earth do you think they would visit you, OP?
I’d say with your actions you have kissed goodbye to your sons family, but given you’ve never even bothered to meet them then those words don’t work.

My single fil moved 3.5 hours away to be near the sea. We visit once a year for the day, it's a long drive there and back, and he does the same. We phone each other once a month to catch up. He's getting to an old age and is in poor health now. He won't be driving much longer. We don't expect him to drive to ours any more. But we're happy to keep in contact via telephone. It sounds like they don't want to see you, and you can't physically drive there and back in one day and can't afford a hotel. I'd stick to sending the grandchildren cards and letter, and telephoning your son to catch up. You don't have to physically be there.

Just recapping if you are now 62 then you were 56 when your now 6yr old grandchild was born.
You say you’ve never gone there and now health issues are a factor. Where they a factor when you were 56?

You also say you’d go if you can stay in their house. Is money the issue here ie paying for somewhere to stay or is it the principle. I’d stay in a local hotel, you’ll get a bit of a rest from a busy family and with health issues that would be better for you I assume.

I think after reading updates you need to step back. Not all your kids are the same and whilst others are happy to visit you all the time it doesn’t mean they will all be able to make the same commitment.
As this issue has been going on for sometime I’d book somewhere nice and go and see your family as soon as possible. If the rest of the family want to see them too nothings stopping them doing the same

God you sound like a piece of work! You have literally thrown away 6 years worth of potential relationship with your grandchildren. That is idiotic. You will never, ever, ever get that time back. You will NEVER get to see that grandchild as a baby or a toddler. All because you are too stuck in your own martyrdom, and your hated of your DIL, to be able to sit in a train and read a book for a few hours. You deserve what you get.

OP it sounds like you've burned your bridges with your DS and his family years ago. It sounds like you've all never forgiven him for moving away and this is a way to punish him.

@OpusGiemuJavlo

maybe op should just downsize and give the money to her son?

Where do DIL’s parents live?

100% this.

Twins on the boat to Guernsey…..oooo I can smell the sick even now.
Oh how we laughed after, with the family.

But hey, people can lead their lives however they wish.

I just hope OP bites the bullet and is the first one to make the move on this or she may lose them, it seems.

I understand both sides, we are in a similar position. DH parents don't work, but won't travel to us. We work all week and on our days off want to rest, not travel as that's tiring in itself. His parents are relaxed all week, all the time in the world, a little journey to them wouldn't harm them.

Surely most people with a parent in poor health that prevents them from travelling would make the effort to visit them even just to check on their wellbeing though?

Quite

Your behaviour is horrendous. Turning the family against your son because he hasn't been to visit you? With that and everything else you have done and won't do, I'm not surprised that they haven't been to visit.

This too.

I suspect the son has some stories to tell. Even from your perspective (which will obviously have the most positive spin) you refused to visit your son and dil when they had a newborn, resent him for moving away and turned the rest of the family against him.

There must be a huge backstory that the OP hasn't yet unfurled, or this surely must be a wind up. You've NEVER seen your grandchildren because they won't come and stay with you? Why didn't you get on a coach/train or your DH drive you both down there and stay at a hotel or bnb for a couple of days? Why are you so resistant to travelling there?

It's really sad reading all this @changinghairstyle .I wish I knew what the backstory is here and I'd love to hear your son's side of the story.

You are getting a hard time on here which may or may not be fully justified, but we can only comment on the picture you paint in your posts - and from what you have said it does come across that this situation is mainly of your making.

Do you think maybe you are overly critical, always complaining about things, always demanding and maybe not be much fun to be around? Sometimes we don't see ourselves as others see us? Yes I get your other children don't seem to have that problem, but maybe they don't like to argue with you, to keep the peace?

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

The thing is with 3 x 6 years old and younger, including a 1 year old it isn't a matter of 'just' driving down - you are showing no empathy for your son and his family and the difficulties they would have doing that So yes, YABU

I have had to stop working due to my health and my health is getting worse. I'm also not getting any younger.

62 isn't old though and plenty of people of that age with Diabetes and a heart condition and problems with knees and backs still manage to travel. Including me. If you can sit in a car, then you can still travel

I had a close relationship with him until he met his wife and moved away of course my heart is broken.

dh took no interest in the sea before they met but this is still our son's home and we are sad that he doesn't want to visit.

You seem to be blaming your DIL which even if you don't voice it, she will pick up on. You've said a few things which give the game away. She will KNOW! And no - where you live is no longer your son's home. He has one now by the sea.

If you insist in thinking that it is only you who matters in this then you only have yourself to blame if you don't see your son and his family - and you need to be the bigger person and reach out to them. But if you do, you mustn't complain about not seeing them, them moving etc.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, because I can see you are hurting, but you CAN do something about this, if you really want to

So you never go anywhere?

You acknowledge that you aren't an elderly woman but then you keep harping on about your age as if it's a factor. To be clear, it isn't.

Your disability might be a factor if you were already so severely disabled at the age of 56 that you couldn't possibly have travelled to visit your newborn grandchild. Surely your husband could have driven you at that point, so why didn't he?

If your disability has really been so bad for the last 6 years that you haven't been able to travel anywhere at all, then why didn't you focus on disability as a factor in your OP? And why describe your conditions as "age related" when you must know that most people don't usually have debilitating age-related conditions at your age.

In any case, you didn't say in your OP that your disability made you unable to cope with a long car journey, you said that your DH refused to drive you. Frankly, in your situation, I'd have found someone else to drive me if that was the only way of getting to see my new grandchild. I'd have gone without all sorts to pay for a taxi if needs be.

The fact is, you sent your DS a clear message that you weren't that interested. So why should they make any effort for you?

I really think this post is a reverse because if not how can ANYONE think the above is ok?? Madness