Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

I should add she continued to make these journeys until 6 months before she died of bowel cancer aged 79.

"I have bad knees and a bad back, diabetes and a heart condition, friends and family all agree I shouldn't give in and travel in my condition."

My MIL has those exact same problems, is 77 and still travels the world. Give over. As pp have said, your stubbornness (and your husbands) is the problem. That you have turned the rest of your family against your son because you expect everyone else to run around after you is despicable. No wonder they don't bother with you now. At least they have a relationship with her family.

Sounds to me that they're better off as they are.

Could you possibly meet up during school holidays ? Meet halfway for a weekend ? Suggest a half term break together ?consider moving closer to them ?

Absolutely. But perhaps not if that parent was a selfish narcissist that had shown time and again that they couldn't be arsed to make any effort themselves.

Honestly @changinghairstyle ypu sound like my MIL. You think I’ve stopped your son visiting and moved away. Moving to the sea for a better life is amazing, good on them.

They had a newborn 5 years ago when you were kid 50’s and you refused to go and visit them? You sound old before your time and I guess your house matches. Of course they are not going to come and visit when you’ve made it clear how you feel about your DIL! Go and see them, stay in a hotel to give everyone some space. Enjoy the sea. You need to fix this not them. They will not travel down and stay with someone they know doesn’t like the DIL.

I think you are being very selfish. You have clearly forgotten what it’s like to have small children and work. You will lose them if you don’t change your attitude.

I wish you’d turned on voting.

YABU btw.

I think both side need to make the effort. In your position I would make the journey once by train and then it would be their turn to come to you. It's the only way.

Likewise.
We didn’t consider pros and cons except maybe extra cost.
If they can be put in a sling then camping, walking, rainforest it is.
We go climbing and my friend with a new baby left the baby in a tent at the bottom of a mountain and went up the mountain with her dh. ( lots of group members still at the bottom of the mountain I should say before there’s a MN pile on ) When he got older he went too on her dhs back. We did the same.

We lived abroad and sailed for months with ours when they were tiny.
Travelling isn’t something we gave up on because we became parents but I accept not all families are the same.
Just lucky, I suppose, ours were all OK with it.
As an aside, and I don’t know how old your kids are @ginasevern but ours are 23 and 20,20 now and all very much the explorers. Our eldest, a zoologist, is currently tagging lions in the Serengeti ( I wish I was him )

Apologies OP for the derail here

There's an old saying op and I'd say it to you and I'd say it to your son.

If you want to do something you find a way,
If you don't want to you find an excuse.

You've both spent 6 years finding excuses, turned the family against him and I'd bet my arse you've vilified and turned them against dil and blamed her for taking your beloved little boy from you, she isn't interested in coming now and has probably told hubby you can visit him and kids but she's not going all the way down there to feel uncomfortable and he supports that.
I think it's time to leave it now, maybe when your husband says concentrate on the kids who do want to know you should back off and take his advice now.
You have driven your son away and he's gone.

People do travel with babies.

Absolutely. I did as did my parents over much further distances than are being discussed here.

But also people travel with health conditions much worse than the OPs. When my first baby was born and I was struggling with postnatal mental health issues, my grandmother made the seven hour trip to visit despite being registered blind, having cancer, plus other health issues and being 30 years older than the OP.

The last time my grandmother came to see my mum, me and my kids, she was 87 with multiple health conditions, in a wheelchair and she flew 12 hours.

I can't believe that you won't get on a train.

I do actually think it's a bit shitty that he hasn't made the effort to come and see you either but you can't control his behaviour, you can only control your own.

On your deathbed are you going to think "I stuck to my guns, hurrah for me" or "shit, I wish I had seen my son and grandkids"

Just book the bloody train and hotel.

I would expect him to make the effort once a year. I guess that’s why OP has dug her heels in.

How is 150 miles 3.5hrs, does your dh drive very slowly? Surely it's 2.5hrs max.

What I would do as you're at a stalemate is just book a holiday near them. So say, a nice caravan with maybe other family members to add to the fun and just pop to see them when you're in the area, not as a sole purpose iyswim.

You're only 62. They don't live on another continent just take some paracetamol for your bad knees, eat well to keep your blood sugar stable and have a week by the sea.

I'm sure OP's son does travel with the family. There is something more going on here. I don't for a moment think that they do actually expect OP to travel to them. I think they would be very surprised to find OP on the doorstep.

A three and a half hour drive with children is not hard.

It beggars belief you didn't visit to see their new home or their new babies no wonder they think you're not arsed. Why would they drag their kids to you when you've shown them nothing but contempt l?

Agree with others not sure how 150 miles is working out at 3.5 hours

You sound bitter and twisted. You’ve clearly told everyone who is willing to listen how dreadful their behaviour is towards you and blame your DIL entirely. If I were your family I wouldn’t want to visit you or have you stay in my house either. Everything you have said is about poor you.

As parent, your job is to encourage your children to make a better life for themselves. To live it for themselves and not anyone else. Love them, tell them and show them you love them. Be there for them unconditionally.

You chose to have children, it does not mean they are beholden to you forever. If you want a good relationship, you need to take a long hard look at how you have treated them for enjoying their lives.

Have you ever been to see them? Or is this them saying that they are absolutely fed up of doing the running around. If the oldest is 6 years old and you've never been to them I would feel just as frustrated. 6 years ago you would have 56 ... hardly elderly.

Also kind of sad his father won't go down to see them. Its 3.5 hours not the other side of the world. It could be done over a weekend.

You reap what you sow, OP.

Clearly you haven't invested in the relationship with your DS and DIL. Your choice, but the price you pay for that is that you don't get to see your grandchildren.

In their sixties, my parents were travelling half way across the world to visit me, despite my dad having multiple health issues and my mum having serious anxiety about travelling. Not because I wouldn't visit them - I quite often did - but because they understood the importance of showing an interest in my life and my world, including the place where I was living it..

Fast forward a few years and I was back in the UK and they had become grandparents. They travelled around to visit both me and my dsis, who had also just had a baby, at opposite ends of the country. And they kept on visiting.

Then they decided to move 200 miles to be closer to me and my family in our new location, but they carried on visiting my dsis around 300 miles away. Now, in their 80s, my dad has multiple health issues including all of the conditions that you've mentioned and a few more. My mum has quite a few conditions of her own. It's much harder for them to drive long distances these days, so they prefer to travel by train, but they still go and visit my sister as well as other places. Tbh, they would move heaven and earth to see either of us or their grandchildren, and I love them for it.

@Getonwitit generalising much?

DC1 went for years vomiting every 30 minutes in the car. We did a lot of 25 minute journeys and certainly didn’t go long distances

@Getonwitit I guess that's subjective. I certainly find a 3.5 hour drive difficult with a 5 year old who is car sick. I have older DC too and when they were younger, 2 hours was the max we could do without a lot of whining, which I found very distracting when driving.

Good for you if you have nice children who enjoy long car journeys! Not everyone does!

The something going on appears to include his siblings though. So I'm starting to think that this is not just about OP and his dad.

Yes OP is being stubborn, but he has three siblings who are also hurt that he has no interest in seeing them.

Honestly - it sounds like your tunnel vision and intransigence has soured the relationship with your DS and DIL to the point where they aren't remotely bothered about seeing you; why on earth would they go to the huge hassle of packing 3 small kids into a car and driving for hours to go and see people who to be blunt really don't sound very nice.

They probably have a lovely happy life 'by the sea' and take the view if you are that bothered about the relationship, you'd make some effort. Not going to see any of the babies when they were born is fucking shocking behaviour IMO (and I don't even have kids so I've no skin in the game either way).

Digging your heels in isn’t working for you OP. Your choice whether you meet your grandchildren or not.