Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

I'm going against the grain here. If they find time to see others they can find time to see you both.
It is not just the travelling is the accommodation. You have it and easily can accommodate them a week and they can visit the rest of the family.
If my kid tells me in the future that for see my grandkids I have to book a hotel and do all the travelling and I got spare space and all the family lives around me I would think they are not to bother, and If I go, I will just go because I want to see the kids but I would be tempted to not go.
I am in the exactly opposite situation and it is me the one who travels to see them all. I only got a kid but I'm 2000 miles away.

Cutting your nose off to spite your face. And who would make a 1 Yr old do a 7 hour return journey on principle.
Perhaps they don't want a weekend under your control with a stream of visitors.

You expected them to travel to you with a newborn??!!! So you could show the baby off to other family members?

That's hardly fair, I'd visit in a heartbeat if it wasn't for my health problems.
I'm not saying I'm an elderly woman but my health condition is bad enough for me to have to give up work so surely that's an indicator of how my health affects me.

Ah I see, the old narcissistic family dynamic - ‘We ALL think the same’.
Yeah, don’t bother visiting your sons family, they are better off without the lot of you. You sound like a nightmare.

You need to grow up.

no wonder they are not coming to visit you , you have turned the family against them.

you have 2 choices.

1. continue down this road go NC and never see your son or grandchildren again.
2. show willing, pack your bags and go visit. Once you have done this there is every chance that they will also come and visit you.

at the moment you have made it clear that they are not welcome so there is no need for them to return

Exactly this. It is not still his home. He has grown up and left. He has chosen where to call home and bring up his own family. That is entirely normal. Stop guilt tripping / sulking / being the parents/ in laws everyone can’t stand dealing with when adult children have their own lives.

There is a culture clash in your family. Your culture is that Grandparents have 'done there bit' raising DC and should be rewarded with the joy of their DGC. Your DIL's family culture is almost certainly a more "pitch in and get on" attitude with those with less commitments picking up the slack for working parents. We had the same issue. PIL were very rigid and I felt uncomfortable in their home where I was a guest, not a family member. FIL's health issues dominated everything so we were very restricted in what we felt we were allowed to do. You need to address this and stop 'feeling hurt' and 'heart broken' - this is martyrdom and doomed to fail. Get on with arranging lovely trips to visit 2x a year with mid point meet ups between these. Build good solid loving relationships with your DGC.

I had a close relationship with him until he met his wife and moved away of course my heart is broken
Lol, is this for real???! He got married and moved and so "of course my heart is broken"??!!!
You are 62 with three other children. When you're 82 then they should travel to you (but only if you travel to them now; otherwise they'd be right not to bother with you).

your dh is actually suggesting cutting ties? with your own child over a disagreement over them not wanting to visit - when you are welcome to them?

This is unimaginable to me. Put your pride aside and start rebuilding the relationship now.

‘It’s not us’

It is you. It’s 100% you. I’d cut you off and never speak to you again if you were my mum. You just can’t be arsed to make any effort so neither can he. All because you’re so full of resentment for him moving away.
You won’t see your son or grandchildren again if you don’t make any effort. Let that sink in and see if you’re bothered. If not he’s better off without you all

It’s been 6 years- your dh could never find the time off to drive you?

So are you actually saying you've never even met these grandchildren?

I did and I had newborn twins and I was breastfeeding
Southern Kent to Hertfordshire.
My brother too with tiny babies.

People do travel with babies.

You sound like a toddler having a tantrum because you're not getting everything your way.

Make an effort or don't make an effort. But don't blame it on your DIL. From the way you've written about her and your son I expect that she feels massively unwelcome in your home.

Op, kindly, you're a mother in law posting on aibu. If your daughter in law kicked you, you'd be blamed for damaging her shoes on here.

Lots of people can't work because of ill health, but can still sit on a train for three hours (or whatever). The conditions you give - diabetes, heart disease - are ones that many people have and still work, let alone occasionally use public transport to visit family.

OP 'am I unreasonable?'
Everyone 'yes'
OP 'no I'm not and I won't change'.
Enjoy not having a relationship with your grandchildren and stewing in your own self righteousness.

You're acting like your some frail old dear, if you're 62 now then you were only 56 when the oldest grandchild was born! My mum is 58 and regularly takes the train from London to Scotland to visit family without batting an eye.

I thought this was a recent thing but you’ve never met the grandchildren at all?!! Why hasn’t your husband driven you there in 6 years? Book an air bnb for a week. Get your son to meet you half way to drive you back?

My own mother became a grandma at exactly your age, a few months after she was widowed. When her first grandchild was born, she undertook an eight hour train journey with three changes, on her own, to visit her grandchild. Wild horses would not have stopped her.

You've taken on the role of "old sick lady" and are expecting everyone else to play along. But you aren't old, you aren't dying, and travelling won't kill you.

That's not true. You were still working when the first one was born. You made no effort then and nothing had changed, other than your worsening health.

Just because you had to give up work it doesn't mean you can't get a taxi to a station and get a train. The truth is that you want to be the most important person in all this, and you're not.
The grandchildren are.

Stop putting yourself and your needs first. And stop banging on about how hard-done by you are. You've caused this situation and it's entirely within your gift to resolve it.

If your husband is being difficult about it then go without him.

My DH is 58 and travels the world for work.

I have to be honest, and I get that you’re upset, but you’re coming across as massively judgmental

Where they decide to bring up their family really isn’t within your control

And wrangling 3 kids into the car for a long journey, potentially to face staying with someone who judges other people’s decisions wouldn’t fill me with joy either

My ILs live 2 hours away from us. We were accused of “moving away” when we moved 20 minutes from them, but it was perfectly acceptable for them to then move to their second house much further away 🤔

Juggling kids, work and their refusal to travel “home” at the weekends (MIL wouldn’t countenance missing post-Church cake on Sundays) means that she hasn’t seen DC for 3 years, FIL for 9 (never met DC2)

I’m sorry to be harsh, really I am. But either you compromise or you miss out

(FWIW my parents see the kids much more, because we all make an effort. Nothing is expected to be one sided)

Make the effort, two wrongs do not make a right.
Yes they could do more but so could you.
Take a long weekend, find a nice cottage to stay in and go for a few days.