Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

I’m calling BS.

I call reverse...

Does this thread not give you pause for thought that in fact, it might be you?

Did you have those health conditions when their first child was born? Did your husband refuse to drive you then?

Why are you here op… nobodies going to side with you on this.

If you are being so reasonable, why are you here asking if you are?

This all sounds incredibly petulant. It probably isn’t bothering them, but because it is clearly bothering you so then YOU need to make the effort to visit them. Tbh it’s no surprise they aren’t accommodating to you (eg put kids in one room to free up some space for you) because you are being so difficult and self centred. You have a lot of making up to do here…

Are you saying you never go anywhere including on holiday because of your health conditions?

And what the rest of the family thinks doesn't matter. It's easy for them to flame drama when it is not them missing out on seeing their grandchildren.

That’s my instinct. Surely no one is this blinkered in real life?! Going on about her condition and her age. She’s only 62?!

The phrase 'cutting off one's nose to spite one's face' comes to mind

This is a battle of wills, the grandchildren are of zero importance to the adults here

OP you are horrible for making the siblings and extended family gang up on your son like this.

You have basically made them all shun your son over this.

Your poor son, he has been badly treated by his siblings, father and mother.

You turned the rest of his family against them because you didn't get your way? Don't blame them for not coming to see you.

It's becoming clearer now. Maybe I could understand if you had been going to see them for years and they had never come to see you. However, on point of principle you have refused to come and visit at least 1 newborn child. That is very poor. You need to get over yourself and start building bridges quickly.

The rest of the family all agree and won't visit them until they see me but that doesn't seem to bother them.

Sounds as if they are either bullies or not actually interested in seeing your son.

Why would your son be interested in seeing them?

Why would he be interested in making an effort for you when you couldn't be bothered to go & see his first child?

I honestly think you need to read this back to yourself. Your behaviour is horrendous. Turning the family against your son because he hasn't been to visit you? With that and everything else you have done and won't do, I'm not surprised that they haven't been to visit.

So you are expecting your son and his family to come and stay with 2 strangers that the children have never met rather than you visit them in their own home and build a relationship with them?
Do you facetime them or is it just birthday and Christmas cards? Friends of mine in their 80s visit/ facetime their grandchildren all the time. Infact one son bought my friend an ipad and taught her how to use it as they are 250 miles apart. They have railcards/ coach cards and book into a Premier Inn to visit.

OP, I think it's becoming increasingly clear that it isn't the distance that is stopping your son and his family from visiting you. It's your shitty attitude, and your husband's.

You're in your early sixties, which isn't old at all. Stop behaving as if you're in your late eighties!!

There is nothing stopping you from travelling to see them. You just don't want to. That's fine, but don't expect them to care. You sound toxic and they're probably better off without you.

Talk to them.

I do visit my parents but spend the entire time on edge because their house is not childproofed and the children are genuinely only ever 3 seconds away from opening a cupboard with - glasses, alcohol (it's the glass bottles that concern me), bleach and dishwasher powder tabs, medicine.

Add to that the fact that it's an old house so no door closes correctly meaning the children are never contained.

It's exhausting

And my PIL house in a different country is a genuine death trap with at least 4 ways off the top of my head a child could die in a 2 second lapse of supervision. (Open stairways, dangerous balconies). We don't ever visit them

Maybe this is a concern for your son too

Swallow your pride, ask one of your other children to drive you. Go for a trip to the beach. Meet your grandchildren.

You can’t win this game, you’ve already lost. You can keep losing or you can decide to stop playing.

sorry Op but you have created this. They have moved to where she lives - and whether or not they have been unreasonable in this - you could have ended this at any time by going to visit them.

SIX YEARS????!!!

That's unbelievable. I wouldn't visit you either, and I am not one bit surprised your son doesn't want to have you stay. My parents met my babies the day they were born. I suppose they were 'only' 1 hour away.

OP, you need to ask yourself if you're happy with your grandchildren remembering you as the nanna who couldn't be bothered to visit and who attempted to turn the rest of your side against them.
How about you dip a toe in and book a holiday close to where they live and take baby steps to rebuilding a relationship?

I suspect your Dh is a difficult man with a big ego - and your DIL is actively supporting your son in putting down boundaries.

Yep, the alternative world of Mumsnet where no-one with kids can ever, ever travel 150 miles for one weekend a year. There was one poster upthread who was positively hysterical at the very thought. If you didn't know what this thread was about you'd think she'd been asked to drive a van load of crocodiles to war torn Sudan.

Apparently modern parents must also never take their kids to motorway service stations because it is permanently traumatising. As for staying at granny's house overnight, forget it. Unless of course her house is stuffed full of the latest toys and completely devoid of anything breakable. Even then it's a tough call.

So the answer is to live in a convenient bubble when you have kids these days. It must be very restricting for both adults and children.

We always drove to visit my parents and my dhs.

We chose to move away but that wasn’t the reason we just visited as we were younger even though we had three children.
My parents could drive so occasionally visited us but my mum, the only driver, had long term cancer so only if she was up to it. My MIL never came to us.

Its not something we thought about tbh and I’d be very hurt if a son of mine thought I didn’t care if I couldn’t see them through no fault of my own.

Id say, visit them OP, find a premier inn, great breakfasts not too pricey and enjoy a weekend away. Then offer to put them up for a weekend next time.

It shows you are willing and accommodating.

It’s just about taking turns and everyone being reasonable.

Wow you sound so toxic , no wonder they don't want to visit you or your family . You are truly being completely unreasonable