Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

Please read this post and consider doing as suggested. Don't try to argue against it, or say you'd prefer to be in your son's house. Just read this post and really, truly, open your heart to the possibility.

I hope you can do this.

It's all swings and roundabouts. DH and I regularly travelled up to four hours to see my parents when I had two under two, and they made the journey to us by train, as neither drives. Growing up, my family was very close-knit. I was the first to move away from my home town and I know my mum was worried about not having a close relationship with her grandchildren. Effort was put in by both of us. We've often gave up our own bedroom for my parents, and it was easier for DH and I to decamp to the sofa bed.

I now have grown up children and DH and I have just found we have one and a half days free in an upcoming weekend, and we've decided to go to see our youngest DS (who isn't married, but lives with his girlfriend three hours away). We've booked into a hotel, because they don't have the space for us to stay. In the end, with relationships, you reap what you sow.

Fuck me!

You invited parents with a newborn to travel 3.5hrs & because they didn't you have never visited them?

YABU - you don’t work and you could get public transport or organise a trip with your husband. You should want the children to be comfortable not smushed in to a car for 3.5 hours and then schlepped about at your whim to see other family members. That’s very adult behaviour and too much for a 1 year old.

you expect them to travel with small children then see loads of other family members when actually they want to see you.
additionally you haven’t bothered to see the youngest.
additionally you have made up your DIL is causing this instead of accepting your son has asked you to visit. You won’t so now your are getting the consequence for your action.

i wouldn’t let my husband block me from seeing my child and grandchildren. So that’s being a bit of a victim tbh.

I think your jealousy of her family is blinding you. Go and visit them, have a nice seaside trip. Stop cutting your nose to spite your face.

I am around your age and have a progressive neurological disease, and I would swim across the ocean if necessary to see my children and grandchildren. My daughter lives a 16 hour drive away, and my dh and I are planning to visit her in the autumn.

The heart of the issue is that you are angry and bitter that they moved away, which you have absolutely no right to be. You have had your life and made your choices as to where to live and now they are having their lives and making their choices, as is their right as autonomous human beings.

If you don't want a relationship with them then put your own anger and bitterness first, ahead of them, and you won't see them again. They have said as much in putting their boundaries in place, which again, they have every right to do. Or, you can love them enough to respect their choices, because they have not done anything wrong.

Imagine being so bitter and sour over your adult child moving away. That he doesn’t want to host you. So you never meet your grandchildren.

Hey though maybe they will come for the next family funeral…. If he considers you guys family anymore 🙃

I actually don’t think this can be real.

With children aged 6, 3 and 1, travelling is more difficult and tiring. Especially when working full time.

You sound quite petty and childish. The whole "all I did for him" - it's called being a parent. You should be happy about him starting a family, but you just make it sound inconvenient to you, because they dared move away from you.

You don't want to listen to the suggestion of getting the train and a hotel.
So either continue complaining and don't have a relationship with your grandchildren or grow up a bit perhaps.

Surely this can’t be real - is anyone really this clueless/stubborn? I can only imaging that any relationship with your son was over a long time ago - I wouldn’t be making much of an effort for someone supposedly close who never bothered to visit my new baby (let alone in six years).

Has the OP disappeared?

Or she is just going to ignore everyone because she isn’t interested in anyone else’s opinions at all.

OP, you are so unreasonable. I can’t believe you have never met your grandchildren in 6 years. For shame.

There’s an easy way to fix your lack of seeing your Ds and dcs. Get the bus or train and visit. Your dh can come at the weekend and bring you back. The children will be far happier and more fun in their own environment. Build bridges and relationships. Maybe in time you’ll be invited to stay in their house (when kid sleep is less fragile) or they’ll visit you but until the bridges are built that isn’t going to happen. You have the solution to this entirely in your own hands.

It's looking that way isn't it?

I mean at a push 3.5hrs each way is doable in a day!

We go through phases of contact, round and round in circles mainly.
I get cards which are reciprocated but I can't help it if they choose not to be part of the family.
The rest of the family all agree and won't visit them until they see me but that doesn't seem to bother them.

I'm getting older and I don't want things to carry on like this.
My husband says we should concentrate on the children who do want to know and I'm starting to agree.
I have bad knees and a bad back, diabetes and a heart condition, friends and family all agree I shouldn't give in and travel in my condition.
We have 3 grown up sons and a daughter and we're a very close family, all other sons and dills including daughter and sil appreciate us so it's not us.

You didn’t visit a newborn? Expected them to come to you?
my inlaws did this. We live 3 hrs from them. They haven’t met my youngest, they haven’t seen our new house, they have no relationship with the kids at all really. They are sad and lonely. They were high handed and selfish and stubborn. Now we don’t see them.

So you’ve manipulated the rest of the family to punish them because you are so upset by this?

Again. You refused to visit their firstborn. Which bit of this are you not understanding?

Don't visit my newborn. But don't expect me to then want to visit you.

Bet the son was the black sheep. I mean an entire family turning their backs on a mums say so pretty much.

@changinghairstyle

Seriously? You can't see the difference in 'difficulty level' between

ONE relatively healthy lady packing one bag (maybe two) and getting on a train/bus and sitting whilst someone else 'does the driving', then checking into a hotel/B&B, & unpacking that one or two bags? Even with your health conditions, some of which I share, you could manage that.

and

Two people packing a car full of THREE young kids' paraphernalia, luggage, snacks for trip, lunch for trip, diaper bag, car seats, et al. And then loading THREE kids + themselves into the car and driving 3 1/2 hours probably 4-5 hours whilst trying to keep the kids entertained, along with multiple stops for potty, changing nappies, eating, calming an upset child. And at the end of it having to unload it all, set up paraphernalia, unpack luggage, and then clean up the car.

Now that I've laid it out for you, can you now see the difference?

My DH and I moved 10 hours away, over 600 miles. My parents came to us the vast majority because they knew what a hassle it was for a family with young kids to pack and drive. We usually went down there during summer for a week or two when school was out.

You keep mentioning her family and that they go there. How far away do they live from them?

Bottom line is, if you want to see them then you must travel. No amount of pouting or feeling aggrieved is going to make them change their minds.

Regardless of the rights and wrongs @changinghairstyle , you have 2 choices. Go to visit them or don't go to visit them. So far they have exercised their choice not to visit and it doesn't seem like that will change any time soon.

Why don't you and your DH contact your son and arrange to meet or visit him?

I think you both need to compromise. If it was only 3.5 hrs to drive to my family I definitely would though my DC sleep well elsewhere and are easy to travel with and my work is flexible enough to allow for leaving at reasonable time on a Friday but as it is much longer I rarely go because with DC and work it is really difficult to fit in something that involves 8hr drive each way and flying while possible still involves a drive and becomes super expensive with all DC and then hire car etc. So my family often come to me but we make the effort sometimes or meet halfway where we can all get train to. I can understand your son finding it difficult but he should manage sometimes. And if you can afford it then you should definitely go to them sometimes. Or how about a day trip every now and then to somewhere in between that is easy for you to get to and shorter drive for them?

@Pipsquiggle
Parents these days think they are the only people to have ever had kids and become so brittle towards any fucker else then wonder why people are not falling over themselves to spend time with them.
TBF there are far more homes with all adults working full time than in the past, which does make things much harder for visits with all adults exhausted. Also parents are expected to be way more involved in their kids lives than in the past - more homework etc. It is harder to bring up kids today, than in the past, one reason the fertility rate is falling and why few people have more than 2 kids. OPs son has three, and both adults work full time. I agree with the general thrust that she is being pretty self-centred, and she is the main one suffering for it.

I had a close relationship with him until he met his wife and moved away of course my heart is broken.

That says everything about you. When my ds met his wife (to be) I was delighted, that he had found his true love. So happy for him, that he was so happy. Soooo excited about the wedding. Made sure I was welcoming without being over bearing. I can't compute the idea that I would want my adult dc to stay celibate and live with their mother for eternity. OMG, what a horrendous thought!!

I've never got to see my grandchildren yet I have seen on Facebook her family with the children.

I hadn't realised over the first couple of pages you meant you had NEVER seen them. That is unbelievable. No wonder they cba to travel to see you.
I remember my Mum (who didn't drive) having her bag packed to set off to support my db and his wife when they had their first. Now I am a similar age to you, lots of my friends are Grandparents, and all of them would walk over hot coals to spend time with the grandchildren, but also, to support and help their adult children at a time when life is exhausting.

Absolutely flabbergasting that you have spent 6 years refusing to visit your ds, and refusing to see the grandchildren.

I am now seriously beginning to doubt if this can be real.

Make your choice then. You can't force anyone else to do things your way, so it's your choice on whether you see your grandchildren or not. If you decide not to, then that's on you. No one has actually stopped you seeing them. Just yourself.

"I shouldn't give in"

So you've framed it as a battle - and you must win.

Awful, destructive, controlling attitude.

You should have visited them when they had their first child and then engaged positively with them. You were 56 and I'd hazard a guess and suggest you were quite capable of travelling then.

It would have reaped so much. But you are clearly not able to recognise that you've brought about this situation and it won't change.