Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

Wow

So have you ever visited them?

Have you ever met your grandchildren??

Well, we have had 16 pages of people ( mostly) explaining to you why he doesn’t/ they are not visiting, but it has obviously gone in one ear and straight out the other side without making any impact at all.

You ‘ don’t see why not come here then’ . None so blind as those that won’t see, OP. Oh, and by the way, where you live is NOT your son’s home. His home is where he has chosen to live with his wife and three children, and it has been for at least six years, since your estrangement predates the birth of his six year old child.

But it’s all his wife’s fault, the evil breaker of families, her and her seaside longings 🧜🏼‍♀️

No wonder he spends time with dils family. The loving caring family he doesn’t have.

I think OP you are going to make every excuse you can.

Why on earth cannot you stay in a B&B?
You sound overbearing - perhaps that’s why you cannot actually stay with them.

I feel sorry for your DS and DIL I really do.

Oh for heaven’s sake stop blaming the woman here.

Your son chose to move.
Your son chooses not to drive the family back to visit you.
Your son chooses not to host you in his home.

I suppose he might have good reason to keep his distance, but most likely he just can’t be bothered. And three cheers for your daughter not taking on what he won’t do! 👏🏻

Look at your husband… he doesn’t want to visit and won’t even help you to visit. What do you think your son grew up with? What behaviour was modelled by his father with regards to a man’s role in creating social cohesion - and frankly, ignoring one’s own desires to deliver it.

When I’d had my first baby I was bleeding, in pain from the birth and my stitches, struggling to breastfeed a tongue tied baby, hormones and emotions all over the place…I wouldn’t have wanted my MiL to stay in the house either. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t happy to see her and introduce her to her grandchild.

In fact PILs drove the 5 hrs from Yorkshire to London the day after DS was born and booked into a travellodge. They brought loads of food for us, some home cooked, and stayed for 30 mins. They came back for 30 mins the next day and then went home! They kitted out a full nursery in their house so it was as easy as poss for us to visit them, which we did a lot when we only had DC1. Once we had DC2 the balance tipped again and now they visit us more, because they recognise that it is much easier for them (same age as you OP) to come here than for us to go to them.

It is no wonder they clearly have no interest in a relationship with you.

How terribly sad. Please don't punish them for moving away and living their life. You'll end up punishing yourself too. Just get on a coach or a train, with or without your husband. Leave judgement of their choices firmly at home. Build a relationship with your grandchildren before it's too late. If you owe them an apology, make it. There must be more backstop to this - something more must have led to you not seeing your newborn grandchildren.

From everything you've said, YABU.

You've never been to visit them?

You're only 62, why can't you hop on a train? It'll be a nightmare for them trying to do a 7hr round trip with 3 small children.

You're coming across as very unreasonable.

Sorry just read that you've never visited even when the babies were born! You sound so bloody stubborn swallow your pride and go see them before it's too late. If eldest is 6 you were what 55 when they were born and you couldn't manage a 3 hour car journey? FFS. Bet you've been on holiday once or twice in the past 6 years. My in laws are mid 70s we live in a different country they drive 2 hours to an airport and then fly over to see us about twice a year.

I think some people are more rigid than others, and unfortunately that includes you OP. You disapprove of them moving away, so you expect them to make all the effort, but unfortunately they are busy. If you don't at least attempt a train, then you really aren't putting in anything on your side. You are only 62, and can ask for mobility support from the train company, then aak your DS to collect from the station. Or sit back and lose them, your choice.

From reading your last post I cannot believe you have the audacity to moan about him when you refused to travel to see him with his first newborn. Did you really expect them to travel 3.5 hours with their first new born to see them when you were only 56 at the time, have a husband who drives and presumably access to the internet/telephone to book a b&b. Unbelievable.
If you have any friends in real life, I imagine that they are judging you hard.

Get on a train!
Book somewhere nearby or bring an airbed for a GCs floor.

Have a MIL who also forgets she's invited some family so we have to uncomfortably make small talk when we don't really care about her random family and just want to see her.

Arrange a week to go away like the ILs clearly do, just make sure you book something a long way off so they have annual leave left.

I don't understand, why do you need to stay at their house?

Wouldn't it be nicer to have a hotel or AirBnB to go back to for peace, quiet and a nicer bathroom? And so you all could have privacy when needed.

So have they moved to dil home town/area ? And do they travel to in-laws or are in-laws not so pig headed willing to travel?

Seriously op this is a case of cutting your nose off despite your face - stubbornly refusing to travel will not get you anywhere so sooner you get in the car with DH, or on the train/coach yourself, the sooner you can repair your relationship.

Fwiw, we live 5 hours away from my in-laws - mil who is now 80 & widowed with 2 x knee ops, heart attack and a stoke under her belt still manages to get a cab to the station, sit on a train for 3 hours and we collect her the other end at least twice a year. We are a busy working family with children so can't make the trip as often as she'd like but hell would freeze over before she stopped seeing her family altogether! .

Get your husband to drive down after work on a Friday. Check into a hotel. Have a lovely meal.
Spend some of Saturday with the grandchildren.
Spend the evening together just you and your husband.
Pop in to see them on Sunday at an agreed time before you head off home.
It's not difficult.

I genuinely can't believe that you've never seen your grandchildren and one of them is 6 years old.

Hang on , you say ‘you’ve never got to meet my grandchildren’ - have neither of you actually visited each other in all this time since the grandchildren were born?
I have to say, this post is very self-centred. The amount of times you have used the words ‘I’ and ‘me’, like your whole family’s life is meant to revolve around you, is quite telling.

@changinghairstyle - you were mid 50s when your first grandchild was born and you expected your DIL, who had just given birth- to drive 3.5 hours to you so that you could show your new grandchild off to other relatives, rather than you go visit them.

good for him to not put his wife and newborn through that if you couldn’t be bothered. Your son is a better person than you.

"she grew up near the sea and dh took no interest in the sea before they met but this is still our son's home"

No. It is his childhood home.
Now his home is where his children are.

You've made this a show of strength - visit me or else you won't see me. I'm not surprised he's dug his heels in.

You are 62. Don't waste another 6?7? years not seeing your child and grandchildren. Accept that he's made choices for himself. Congratulate him and his wife for the home they've made and the life they've built.

SO you don't drive but you're married with a husband that does.

That rather changes things, no?

THeir schedule will be much for full on than yours, even if your husband does work. They work AND have school/childcare issues AND children's activities AND children's routines to cater to. Imagine they're using the bulk of their personal time off work to cover sick children and school holidays, so more limited in how they can use it. Throwing in long car journeys on top of all that may just be beyond them right now. Whereas it sounds like you don't work and have no caring responsibilities, so you can hop on a bus/train if your husband doesn't want to visit.

Sounds like 6 years ago you expected them to travel 3-4 hours with a newborn or at the very least host you - when they had just had a baby and they agreed that (reasonably) wasn’t going to work for them.

You weren’t will to travel to them and stay nearby - and that set the tone of how much they were prepared to do for you.

It doesn’t matter if other family are local to you and would like to see them. They clearly don’t actually want to see them that much - or they’d have been able to give you a lift when they bothered to visit.

You said you had 4 kids - assuming all siblings, have any of them seen him in the last 6 years?

A 7 hour round trip to see the in-laws with a 6, 3 and 1 year old! God, I can’t think of anything fucking worse!! 3 and a half hours with three young children, can you appreciate the effort that would take, compared to you and your DH hopping in the car. Staying in a hotel by the coast is many people’s idea of a nice time!

I thought you were going to say you and your DH were in your 80s not 62! My parents would not hesitate to do this drive and they’ve got 15 years on you.

'but this is still our son's home'

Dingdingding. Here's the problem.
No it's not, his home is the home he chose with the family he's created for himself. You've made it a war which you're losing because you expect his primary loyalty to be to you but he's an adult now with a family of his own and they come first.

On first read I thought you were both being as stubborn as the other but the more context OP gives the more I'm with the son and DIL.

You've not visited ever, not even when they were newborns? You wanted them to bring the babies to you?
I'd take a guess that if OP and husband had made the effort to visit when the 6 year old was born then their son would have been much more inclined to reciprocate since then but as it's all got to be on their terms he refuses and I don't blame him.

You haven't visited them once in at least six years! You didn't go once at least to meet your son's firstborn? You expect them to cart themselves and three small children to see people who have never made any effort with them?

They are not the problem OP...

Is this a reverse?! I’m blown away you have NEVER been to see them. Like ever even when babies born? So someone who has just given birth and has a tiny baby plus other children needs to go to your house 3.5 hours away. With all of the equipment a baby needs. That’s not at all selfish and self absorbed by you. It’s not all about you, you go for the weekend if your husband drives. Get train or coach etc. I have zero sympathy for you

Sorry OP but I think you are truly being just as unreasonable as them.

Yes they should come and visit you as well, but seriously your husband can surely take a week off work and you can stay in a B&B??? What's the issue?

If you did this, maybe they would feel more inclined to visit you next time.

Have you actually not seen your grandchildren for years if you refuse to visit and so do they?