Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

So your husband won't take time off but they both should? I was going to say not all pensioners can afford travel and b&bs or maybe it's health but actually it's because you're both resentful they moved away.....you could get a train without your husband.

It should be two way. We live 150 miles from my parents and even further from my mil. We do try and visit once a year but it's rarely reciprocated for various reasons. When we do have visitors we move our youngest child into the room with the other child and visitors have his bed and a pull out mattress. It isn't ideal but our children adore having visitors. Maybe try a visit first and then they might be more disposed to visiting.

It should be both ways. We're three hours from my parents and six hours from DH's. We visit them but we also expect them to visit us. Not necessarily on an alternative basis as you have to be flexible but certainly a reasonable split.

However, all of them came to visit us after the birth of our children to meet the new babies. Pretty weird that you haven't and totally unreasonable on your part. Maybe that's why they are now refusing to visit!

having read the whole thread you are being very unreasonable. Your dh could easily drive you, so your original post is misleading as you do have transport. Your grandchildren are very young to be expected to travel so far, with the youngest being 1 . I think you have created a silly issue here and dug your heels in. If you want to see them, your dh will need to drive you.

I think I know why OP's son moved 3.5hrs away..... spoiler alert: it wasn't for the seaside

OP, in the gentlest possible way, I think you are being unreasonable, although I think your son has also handled this badly.

I have 2 children and my husband and I have driven them to see my parents (who live a 5 hour one way drive away) since they were tiny, but my parents have also always come to see us. They also go to see my sibling who doesn't have room in the house to put them up. My sibling also goes to visit them.

It seems that it is perfectly possible for you either to travel with your husband to see your son's family, or to go on public transport, but you have refused. Your son's refusal to come to you seems to be in response to your initial refusal to visit him.

I can see your son has not made the choices you would have liked him to, in that he has moved away. That is frustrating for you but entirely up to him (I used to dream of living by the sea!). The important thing is that if you want to maintain a relationship with him and your grandchildren you have to show a little willing. It would be sad to lose your family out of stubbornness.

OP doesn't come across well in her posts. I sense some animosity towards DIL ('miss my son and GC') etc doesn't embrace the reasons for their move 'just the sea'.

It's a stand off.

I don't think you need an invitation to come if you aren't actually staying with your son /DIL. You could, in your own time, on your own terms, ask if they would like to meet you for lunch or an activity nearby to where they live? You could either make your own way (if you health permits) or go with DH. Somewhere easy and quick for them to get to in a car. You could research and find something super child friendly (a new park ? etc) and have a picnic. That would be something you control, but something that shows some thought and consideration to them as a family. An olive branch?

That might be a compromise? A good start?

Wait, you haven't visited AT ALL and your eldest grandchild is 3???!

Sorry but you're being really stubborn - get down there for a weeks holiday in a hotel and meet up with them/buy them lunch

Or arrange a holiday away with them half way between the two venues ?

You're not trying to- there's no reason for you 'to be in pain and broken' when you don't describe you've done anything to alleviate this

What does your daughter say about why they don't visit ? Does she not see her nieces/nephews ?

Do you want to lose your son and GC over this?

My DD and her DH have moved to Australia. It's going to be these flights to see them :

Regional flight in the UK to London : 1.5 hours
London to Singapore : 13 hours
Singapore to Aus : 9 hours

We are doing it! Our first visit was booked before they even left the UK.
They also can't put us up, so we've booked an apartment nearby.

They don't have kids yet, but it's on the cards. I doubt they'd want to travel to the UK with little children, and the cost would be prohibitive, so we will go fairly regularly to see them, knowing that the visits won't be reciprocated.

You sound very rigid. Just go!

Eldest is 6

I have invited them down a number of times and other family members would like to see them too that's why we wanted them to come here.

I have tried and tried to get them to come but we never get anywhere.
Yes I believe it probably is my dil who influences what happens but never have I ever said anything and I don't dislike her, she grew up near the sea and dh took no interest in the sea before they met but this is still our son's home and we are sad that he doesn't want to visit.

I'd be more inclined to visit if we could stay at their house but they are not comfortable with this again not something I can envisage my son decided but if that's the case I don't see why not come here then.

Oh well. I guess if you won't travel you just won't see your grandchildren then. Your choice.

Get on the train or coach ffs.

@changinghairstyle wow, am I understanding this correctly... you've never visited?! Do you keep in touch, facetime etc? If not then I wouldn't be surprised if your son and DIL feel that you just aren't interested in having a relationship with their family. Did they invite you to visit (or did you show interest in visiting) when they had newborns?

So you didn’t visit them when they had a newborn baby???

I have never heard of a parent not visiting their new grandchild (unless they were NC). Do you not see how utterly unreasonable you are being? Why should they make the effort to visit you when you have never made the effort to see them?

My mil lives 300 miles away, doesn't drive which means it's about a 12 hour round trip and still manages to come see dh and her grandchildren (we havent been able to go back up for over 3 years) Sometimes she stays in our spare room or she books herself into a hotel.

If you miss them and can afford to then go and visit them.

So stay in a hotel then? They maybe like their own space, why do they have to come down and be paraded in front of people down with you? what family members are you talking about . Maybe if you had made more of an effort to go up when kids were younger they would come down more now they are older. You are coming across as me me me me. WHY HAVE YOU NEVER MADE THE EFFORT TO GO SEE THEM ????

So no, you did not visit your newborn grandchild, is what you're telling us?

If you were my mother and you did not want to make the effort to come see my first born (or any of the others) then I would seriously question if I wanted to make any effort with you.

I wanted no one staying in my house after giving birth. Because I wanted to be comfortable and wear what worked and shower when I wanted, sleep when I wanted etc. If you'd reacted like this because of that, then no, I wouldn't be comfortable with you staying in my house any other time.

Shockingly bad form of you not to go and visit after their first baby was born. And all because you couldn't stay in their house!

Get over yourself. Book an AirBnB, or a hotel, get the train or a coach if your husband is equally determined to be petty and won't drive, and visit your son and grandchildren.

I wouldn't want to do a 3.5 hour car journey with three under six to such a selfish mother/grandmother either.

In all honesty- they probably don’t want you there since it sounds like you have no relationship with them. I certainly wouldn’t make any effort to see you if you were my mother/mil a you hadn’t bothered to visit in the 6 years since I had my kids.

You can keep asking them to come but if they won't you can't force them. As harsh as this sounds your desire to see them is obviously stronger than their desire to see you. At the moment the main person hurting here is you so you may just have to suck it up and go and see them every few months if you want a relationship with the grandkids.

Is there an option to meet half way for a day out? That might work every few months.

Agree!!!

Sorry, but you seem to see yourself in the role of victim here. When you do see them or speak on the phone/facetime, what do you say to them? Do you just complain? My parents used to complain that they never saw me, including when I was VISITING them. You know, people won't want to see more of you if you don't make an effort to be good company. Sorry if this seems harsh but I got very tired of my parents' complaints - they used to sit in their comfortable house and expect everyone else to visit them.

This is on you to sort out.
If you want to see them, the make arrangements to stay locally and go - with or without your husband.

The first time you go, you mustn't mention anything about:
how awful the journey was
how expensive the accomodation is
how much easier it would be if they came to you
how difficult everything is
how you want more time with them.

Focus on enjoying your time with your grandchildren and having a lovely time.
Don't criticise anyone or anything
Don't suggest next time they come to you. They've made it clear that's not going to happen for now so don't create any awkwardness.

Have a lovely time and plan to go again, with or without your husband.
Start to develop your relationship with them.

Alternatively, do nothing and get to the stage where you can't travel and then you'll never see your grandchildren. It's in your hands.

They had a newborn and you, and your husband couldn’t be bothered nor any of your other family to get off your arses and visit not once! Not once ever for any of their three newborn babies when they where born.

Your son or daughter in law are not the issue.

Your selfishness is.

I bet your son is so so sad that his family just don’t care enough. I bet the dil is enraged that her poor husband is so upset by his entire families lack of giving a fuck about them.

Point the finger where it belongs op… your face.