Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

This is crazy.

If you really loved your son and grandchildren you would visit them. Unless there is massive drip feed here about you being disabled or unwell, it is perfectly possible for you to either drive there with your husband (does he not want to see his grandchildren too?) or get public transport. It would be MUCH easier for you to do that than for them to visit you. If you really cared about them, you would see that.

gosh OP this is a real case of cutting off your nose to spite your face

your husband won't drive to see his own son??? Is this right?

is this a hill worth dying on? go and see your son, enjoy the visit to the sea - book a nice place to stay and just enjoy seeing your grandkids!!

3.5 hours is hardly much of a journey - I live about 450 miles from my own dad! and generally I go there as its a nicer place where he lives.

I think you need to take responsibility for what you can control - go and see your grandchildren before you lose all contact and there is no relationship!

if your Dh is this bad tempered and unkind to not bother visiting his own son because 'he could come here' - then I think that might be why your son won't come.

From your last post you say you’ve only seen them on Facebook.

The thread title asks if it is unreasonable to travel 150 miles to see them. No, it’s not unreasonable.

What the title should ask is if it is unreasonable to travel 150 miles to meet them. Absolutely no, that is not unreasonable.

What is unreasonable here is your victim mentality. You have not met your grandchildren to spite your DS for loving away to the coast. That is wildly unreasonable.

You have been so ‘wounded’ so as to make your husband, your child’s Father not want to go and see him due to the hurt you have expressed at their desire to live by the sea. That is very unreasonable and totally self absorbed.

You don’t like the wife and she probably doesn’t like you. You’re annoyed that they make effort for HER parents but not for you. You think you’re punishing them by not visiting but you’re only punishing yourself.

It doesn’t work for them to drive 3.5 hours to see you with 3 x kids in tow. It doesn’t work for them to take time off work when they need it to cover childcare for their 3 x very young children. You’re time rich, have no small children to care for anymore and could quite easily enjoy a few days off by the sea, but you don’t want to because you feel they should be making the effort instead. With that attitude she wins and you lose.

Your ‘DH’ has had enough of what they’re doing to you… what? Moving away to live their own lives and not putting you first? Maybe stop playing the victim and realise you’re not in control. I expect DS siblings can also ‘see what he’s doing to you’! Hopefully you don’t realise how unreasonable you’ve been and can now adjust your expectations accordingly.

Moving 3 and half hours away from his family, refusing to host, refusing to visit with the kids and convincing him his family doesn't want to see him.

I wonder how many usernames she has on here.

Disabled people don't travel for pleasure?

That's news to me. And everyone else, I imagine.

If fucking is! Take if from someone who is regularly helping a family member in a fucking wheel chair! It’s a fucking nightmare for them.

Broken lifts - leaving them unable to get down OR upstairs

No fucking lifts - hoping that some one will carry them down!

Locked disabled toilets!

No fucking ramps!

the list goes on you - it really isn’t easy to travel if your in a fucking wheel chair! 🤯

If you haven't seen them for six years, then you really don't have a relationship with them anymore. It's not surprising that they visit other relatives with whom they have a relationship.

I don't understand why you aren't seeing this as a nice weekend/few days away. You're both entitled to railcards: go first class, check into a nice hotel, take them out for a lovely dinner and treat them. Why has this become a battle of wills?

When they are older they might come.

They won't, because OP has shown no interest in building a relationship with the grandchildren beyond a demand that they be taken to her.

My MIL likes things on her terms. We mostly go along with it because it fits in with our life, and who doesn't want a nice grandparent relationship for their kids? But if we ever dare to be busy when she wants something, all hell breaks lose and tantrums fly. It's like dealing with another toddler. One day, DH will decide he's had enough and will stop being the bigger person. He'll just stop, and she will no longer see our DC because she won't do anything that isn't on her terms.

Well the poster clearly isn't holding a gun to her mother's head!! Maybe she actually, you know, enjoys it? Maybe she doesn't want to shut herself away from the world until she croaks it?!!

There's a number of red flags here:

I'm 62 and dh isn't refusing to take me he sees all the upset and pain they put me through and has had enough.

No one enjoys spending time with a self-pitying martyr.

I had a close relationship with him until he met his wife and moved away of course my heart is broken.

You are jealous of his wife and believe your selfish wants trump what is best for you son and his family. He is doing the right thing by putting his wife and family first. A normal loving mother would understand that and not feel jealous or threatened.

All I would like is a visit occasionally.
It should be mutual but if I don't visit I miss out.

It isn't mutual due to your jealousy and resentment. Why would they take on a long journey with three children to visit a pair of self-absorbed miseries? Your dislike of your daughter-in-law is clear. Why would she want to visit you?

If I was your daughter-in-law, I wouldn't want you in my home either.

...after everything I have done for him.

Everything you do for your children should be for love and not an expectation of payback. A mother's love should be unconditional, not transactional.

There's a whole chunk of this story that's being missed out - there must be!

You've never seen your grandchildren? Never once bothered your arse to go visit them?

You've obviously reached a stalemate - you didn't make the effort to go visit their newborn so they've returned the favour by not making the effort to come see you.

Where do her parents live?

It always baffles me when people focus on their in-laws relationship with their child and sil/dil and turn it in to bitterness, instead of having a look at how their own actions could be the problem

I would 100% visit and stay somewhere nearby. Our daughter is in a different country, so we need to get on a plane and either sleep on a sofa-bed or book an Air BnB nearby to see them. They come to the Uk sometimes, but that is difficult and more expensive. If we visit them they don't even have to take any time off work (although they often do). Digging your heals in will only hurt you.
Get something booked! :)

Or her daughter could get of her arse and go and see the woman that raised her so she doesn’t have to take her Zimmer frame and wheel chair ‘half way’ across the world.

I spend a lot of time with an elderly woman in a wheel chair. It is not easy for them.

Its disingenuous to pretend she wouldnt be fucking exhausted when she got there

Where do the other grandparents live @changinghairstyle ?

@changinghairstyleif you hadn't bothered your arse to come to see any of my small children in 6 years, I sure as hell wouldn't be putting myself out to go to yours.

Are there no train stations by you? Maybe they would reciprocate if you made any effort at all.

Calm down. You're talking about your experience of travelling with someone in a wheelchair. Not the experience of every person in a wheelchair.

And even if it is a struggle, has it occurred to you that for some people, it might be worth it to see their family, in their own surroundings? To see where they spend their day? How they live? Watch their children in their happy place?

No one is forcing anyone to go anywhere. People are free to choose to travel, in a wheelchair or not.

How do you know she doesn't? I'm sure the mum wouldn't do it if she didn't feel able to. Nobody was talking about exhaustion! That's beside the point.

OP, I feel sorry for you because you're obviously hurting and genuinely don't see how your behaviour is a problem. But it is. You are that MIL we read about on here so often. YOu really should try to take a good, long, hard look at yourself and your behaviour and adjust. You are bitter and angry that they moved away. YOu're jealous of her family. And yet, you make absolutely no effort to travel to see them. It's ridiculous.

You should visit them.

SIXTY TWO ? 62 ?? FFS. Most of us at that age are still working FT. You talk as though you are 82. and what is the 'hurt and pain' they have put you through ? either there is a LOT more to this or you are being super dramatic about their moving away.

Bottom line, you need them a lot more than they need you. If you have never seen any of your sons children ( and the eldest is SIX) you have a lot of making up to do. suggest you book a weekend by the coast as quick as you can and be bloody happy if they come and see you there ....

You both need to compromise. Maybe a day out half way? Depending on your health how hard would it be for you. Has this been on going. The longer it’s left the harder it will be. Have you looked at national express so less changing and you could stay. It’s odd that they never visit you either. They don’t sound very accommodating as you can stay with them. It would be helpful if your husband could drive you. Maybe if they live in a nice area you and your husband could see it as a holiday and do some things for you while there.

If you haven’t seen the children at all then this is nothing to do with them moving away. My parents no longer travel as they’ve hit 80 and aren’t in brilliant health but they paid for a taxi to come and see me when my last child was born and they were no longer driving. No doubt it cost them a fortune but they were happy to make the effort and bring us a ton of food and gifts. We now have to go to them and it is harder to fit in the trip with the commitments the children have, work etc and it’s more like 2 hours travel time. If you have a fractious relationship I can see why they don’t fancy a 4 hour drive with 3 small children.