Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

Or maybe the son doesn’t like his DM. Why is it always the DIL?

You run the risk of losing compact with them. Go visit them and rebuild the relationship. they may come to your house in the future when it's easier with the kids.
sure it may be annoying but if I were you I'd suck it up.

I’ll still have six years left of working full time when I’m 62 - and that’s with never having had a break from paid work at all (save short mat leaves) through having my two children.

And that’s in the hope things don’t change and I’ll have to work longer.

I am really sorry that you are missing out on seeing your grandchildren.

I can see that from your son’s perspective he has 2 parents, one of whom is still working and can drive, and it would be much easier for his parents as adults to make the journey to see him.

He lives by the sea, so it’s likely that it would be a nice change of scenery for you.

It does seem like you COULD find a way if you really wanted to visit. One advantage of living by the sea is that there is often fairly good public transport.

Do your other children go and visit him? If so could you go with them?

YABVU, and, it seems, cutting off your nose to spite your face.

and now I never see them because they say it's a long way.

No, you never see them because you won't make the effort to.

One of my dc lives near the sea, I love combining a week of sea air, with seeing them. If you aren't even at work, then you have all the time available to you to book a train or coach and go and spend some time with them.

You know how much people with zimmer frames and wheel chairs struggle when traveling right? 🤯

If your DIL is driving a desire to see her own parents, and your DS doesn’t have as much desire to see you guys, or perhaps to visit the area you live in, that’s where the disparity comes from. You can’t force that your son has the same desire to see you as she has to see her folks.

I know as children we spent a lot more time with my Mum’s family that my Dad’s as my Dad just didn’t make it happen.

I can understand why you feel upset, but it would be easier for you to visit them tbh see it as a holiday too by the sea it sounds lovely. Premier inns are cheap and also you'll get to see your grandchildren. I agree it wouldn't hurt them to come visit you as they could stay but it is hard work travelling especially as they probably are stressed by sounds of it

Travelling with kids that young is a total pain, and when you work it’s honestly the last thing that you want to do at the weekend especially when juggling kids activities / parties / housework and occasionally having time for yourself! I think you’re being silly in not just going and visiting them.

My kids have barely seen my grandparents (who are too old to travel now), not because I don’t care but because a 4 hour car drive to sit in a house that has no toys and ornaments everywhere is stressful to even contemplate!!

Just for context - where do you live and where is your DS? If M25 is part of the journey I can see why they don’t want to do it with kids!

On the face of it, it seems very entrenched and unreasonable on both sides to never travel for a visit! I would definitely want to travel to stay with my grandchildren. I may even prefer a hotel for comfort and a bit of space. However, I have always made a point of travelling distances greater than 3.5 hours to see close friends and family.
It feels like there is a back story here. You seem a little snooty about them moving yo the sea. You haven't mentioned your son's wife at all...I wonder if you don't like her or she isn't of interest to you. What sort of relationship did you all have before they moved. Did you see/help put with the children much? If you didn't perhaps they don't feel like you owe them much.
Whatever the reason, I would swallow your pride and make a really positive effort to go and visit, send little age appropriate cards/gifts, offer to babysit maybe. The grandchild grandparent relationship can be a huge blessing and it would be a shame to miss out.

If they have 25 days annual leave a year, which needs to cover all school holidays, and sickness, and you are retired and have 365 days freedom, I think expecting you to travel is not unreasonable unless you are frail. Train (with railcard) or coach?

Perhaps the children want to stay near the beach. Do you live somewhere equally lovely?

How you split cost is another matter. You could pay for travel & hotel but they pay for entertainments etc.

Also even if you brought up your children in your house, it will have changed. The kids’ own toys won’t be there, there won’t be any child proofing i imagine, and you’re bound to have got furniture and ornaments etc over the years that weren’t there at the time.

Is her mum closer/on her own?

You know how people hate it when you lump them all in together right?

For some people, the "struggle" is nothing compared to what they'll miss out on by not "struggling".

My in laws are a similar distance to us.
When my son was born, we visited them every 1-2 months with our baby in the car. They visited us once in that time. They are also in their 60s but drive around the country taking their dog to dog shows.

Now, tbh I don’t really care anymore as obviously dog shows are more important than their grandson. So I have stopped bothering to make these trips happen. My DH (their son) isn’t bothered about seeing them either.

They will claim that they were wonderful parents, but actually they have done the bare minimum (raise their own children to age 18 then no support after that).

From my point of view, they have never done anything for me or helped with our baby, so I don’t feel like I owe them a thing.

When they are actually older, I will feel less obliged to visit or help, as they are making minimal effort now while they are able.

It sounds very awkward. Perhaps op doesn't ever get an invite and it's made clear just dropping in isn't welcome?

I don't think op can be the only one in that situation, can she?

Em, maybe she wanted to?!!!

So there is a huge backstory here.

"I had a close relationship with him until he met his wife and moved away of course my heart is broken."
So when they announced they were moving, were you supportive or did you say 'I'm heartbroken'?

I've never got to see my grandchildren yet I have seen on Facebook her family with the children.
So you have never seen your GC in 6 years? You need to talk to your son and get on amicable terms
Do DILs DPs live closer to them? In which case this is normal

It should be mutual but if I don't visit I miss out after everything I have done for him.
Yes it should be mutual but at the moment, you must see that it is far easier for you to visit them than vice versa. He should visit but you are probably in a better position to visit him more often.

You are coming across as petty and stubborn. You have agency, organise a trip.

When they are older they might come.

But taking 1 and 3 year old in the car for 3.5 hours is a NIGHTMARE. And 6 year old won't be much better.

At that age as a Mum, I didn't want to go anywhere. I was shattered and exhausted all the time. Will you buy in the things they need? Do you have a highchair x 2. Do you have spare nappies and wipes, would have a steriliser? Where would they little ones sleep? You know what small children are like when they go away. They'd need to eat at 6pm - then what dose Mum do? Stay up until 10pm chatting to you lot while she's exhausted and just wants to go to bed.

Be reasonable. Going away at that age is not a holiday. It's HARD WORK for the people with a young family. And you've never put yourself out for them in any way, shape or form.

You've done no baby sitting, no helping out when one of the kids is sick so mum can go to the shops to get calpol etc. No help around the house. You've done zero. Zilch. Nada. Fucking nothing.

And now you complain they won't come and visit you.

It's you who hasn't lifted a single finger to help in any way shape or form that is at fault. Your poor poor DIL. You are indeed sitting upon your lonely throne, wondering why no one wants to visit when it's you who is the problem.

My family live 3 hours drive away.

sometimes we load everyone into the car and visit, sometimes they get the train and visit.

my friend’s brother was like this. I never understood. He was in his 30’s, no kids, and would phone his 90 year old gran asking when she was coming to visit- she was 90 with mobility issues! I think he thought his family obligation was discharged by the weekly phone call asking her to visit, and he didn’t actually have to go to the trouble of seeing her, while staying in the good books for inheritance purposes.

fortunately the gran was still sharp and although she initially thought it was lovely that he kept asking her to visit, she realised pretty quickly that there was nothing stopping him visiting her. Especially when he was managing to travel round the world on holiday easily enough!

You know how much people with disabilities hate being lumped into one homogeneous category of ‘must find travelling a struggle?’

What this thread speaks volumes of is the real break down in family dynamics.

So many entitled adults now believing the world has to bed over backwards because they had kids. I wonder if those same, selfish people would go and visit their ill parents in a home - maybe the kids would be too much of a ‘ball ache’

Or will they feel sad that their kids don’t see them when they are elderly because they too raised selfish entitled kids.

The poster who gets her mum who is a wheel chair user and zimmer frame user to fly across the world to visit her ‘because she’s got kids’ and thinks it’s testimony to how much she cares has blown my mind in the MN world today 🤯

I agree.

And I think the OP's DH is being a bit shitty about it. A 150 mile drive is only going to be around 2.5 hours unless it's all on minor roads or there are road works/accidents. And they're his GCs too.

If they live on the coast, there are bound to be B&Bs you could stay in and it might make a nice break for you both. Your DH could take some leave and treat it as a mini-break, explore the area etc.

Travelling with young children is a complete pain in the arse. There's always one that needs a pee or a poo, one that wants a drink, and often one that gets travel sick. Plus their annual leave will be limited and they're bound to need to use some of it for child illness, school events etc. And they need an endless amount of stuff. And your house may not be well set up for small kids, eg stair gates, child-sized toilet seats, all ornaments and knick-knackery put away etc.

If DH can't be persuaded, and it's feasible to do the journey by public transport, OP, I'd do that. My MIL used to get a bus from the southernmost edge of London and then a coach to visit a family member in Suffolk when she was 80+. And my DM travelled 160 miles by train to see me when I moved to near the coast, and I don't even have DCs.

Having said all that, I'm a bit mystified as to why your DH is so resistant to travelling to see them. I wonder if there's some sort of subtext here. Is there tension between him and your son or DIL? Did he "approve" of the marriage? My DPs loved to come and visit me, and DF never griped about the 165 mile drive. And he drove down and back in a day, because DM hated sleeping in anything but her own bed!

It’s not a 3.5 hour drive with children though is it - add in toilet breaks, lunch, general bickering and it’s at least 4.5 hours. Can’t do that on a Friday after work, so it’s Saturday morning which means arriving at Saturday lunch time and leaving Sunday lunch time. Plus it’s a pain in the arse to have to pack for children overnight, particularly if it is one night. Not to mention it’ll disrupt whatever activities are booked for the weekend - football, gymnastics, swimming lessons.
We personally only go to my in laws once a year (it’s a 5.5 hour drive, 7.5 hours once factoring in stops for the LOs) and we stay for a week. They are down with us every 6 weeks or so. In fairness they are retired and in fair health.
I do understand your poor health gets in the way of this but it really is difficult with a young family so I can see both sides of the argument. If your husband is in good health, I can’t see why he can’t drive you as that seems minimally disruptive to everyone. Or could you get the train by yourself?