Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

62 is not elderly, sorry!

I think when you and your DH are still in your 60s I would expect you to be more able to travel 3h than a family with toddlers.
Your DH drives, or you can take a train.

In the future when you are actually elderly, and your GC are grown, then it should be the reverse.

You are too young to be making a case about too old to travel.

My parents in their 60s travel from the other side of the world to see us.

Made?? Is there anything to say this wasn't her choice. Jeez. Maybe the poster's mum is just one of those people who get on with it, whether they use a frame/wheelchair or not, and don't expect everyone else to run round after them! Maybe she enjoys the travel and doesn't want people treating like a poor little old wheelchair bound pensioner.

Families, eh?

Why can't you all sit down OP and work out something sensible?

It comes over as if your son is a selfish arse of a man (like his father?) who can't be bothered.

Was he always like this?

It really is a bit of an excuse that he's giving you. (I have friends in Europe who used to drive to the UK with 3 young children, to see their family.)

Ideally, you should all agree to share the visits.

So, they come to you 3 times a year (half terms or school hols) and you and your DH go to see them.

There is no need to stay in each other's homes unless money is tight.
Airbnb is the answer.

You and your H can see it as a holiday by the sea.

To be honest, the days will come when their children will leave home and move away as seaside towns are notorious for unemployment unless they want to work in the tourism industry. Most young people up and move where the work is.

If my mother couldn’t be arsed to make the effort to come and see me the first time I had a tiny newborn, wild horses couldn’t make me schlep 3.5 hours with 3 young children to see her. It sounds like this situation is of your own making OP but you’re unwilling to do any self-reflection and instead trot out the ‘after all I’ve done for you spiel’.

I'm sorry to say but I agree. The more you post the sadder this all becomes.

Are you really saying that you have never travelled to see your Grandchildren at all? You were only mid 50s when the first child was born.

There is obviously a lot of resentment and undercurrent in all of this, but I'm sorry you really do need to take a long hard look in the mirror and decide what you want for the future that involves you burying your hatchet and being pro active in booking time to see them in their locale.

They don't want to come to visit you for whatever reason. I think they are probably trying to be kind about the reasons. I suspect that your son, for whatever reason, doesn't want to come back to visit with his children in the family home. It could be there aren't happy memories there for him. It could be he doesn't enjoy spending time with you or his dad (I wouldn't either if my dad couldn't be bothered to drive to see my children). It could be that he just finds it exhausting to fit all of that in on a weekend or to use precious holiday time during the week for something he just doesn't want to do.

I know I find time with my MIL tricky because my dh doesn't actually want to be around her, so any visits are just awkward times of him trying to run away and hide so he doesn't have to deal with her. If your son is anything like that, it could be that he can't get away when he's not in his own home, but his in-laws home doesn't have the same dynamic, so he doesn't mind visits with them.

That said, as someone who has no relationship with their own mum due to her choices about my children (putting them in harm's way, being unwilling to seek help for her issues to allow her to see them), I think saying you don't want to travel a couple hours for a visit is poor form. If you want a relationship with your grandchildren, who have no made any of these decisions about where to live or willingness to travel, then you pack yourself onto the train, go enjoy some lovely time by the seaside with them, stay in a hotel. If cost is a concern, ask if they would be willingness to cover/share the cost of your hotel.

60 is the new 50 😆

Come on OP, be the bigger person. For your grandchildren if nothing else! Time ticks and then it is passed.

I wonder if you've pissed off your DIL? You don't really mention her, just how you want to see your son and want to see the grandkids. They've made their own family now and she's the matriarch. Its tough traveling with three small children and I suspect they are glad there's some distance between you all. I think you've got to try and see things from their perspective. Also they get to live where they want to live, whether its for being close to the sea, schools, work or whatever. You can't dismiss and moan about them moving for reasons you don't personally consider valid. I live 6000 miles away from my MIL and I'm grateful for that.

Who said anything about her mum being "made" to do anything?

You don't know anything about the circumstances here. Maybe they were a military family stationed elsewhere? Maybe she married someone from a different country and they moved there? Maybe her mum moved abroad and travelled back to visit.

My parents visit me. We visit them. I'd love it if we were closer, but our personal circumstances mean that right now, it's not possible.

Don't be awful to people when you know literally one sentence of their life story.

So when they had just had baby 1, you didn't go to visit their newborn?

Probably the fact her dh was likely upset his own mum and dad could never be bothered to visit their first born once ever in 6 years

Has you love always been so conditional?

"After all I've done for him"

It sounds quite transactional to me.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Find out how to travel to see them and for God's sake book it.
You've left it so long, it's actually unbelievable.
None of their kids know you and it sounds like things could be awkward, so it would be a massive deal for them to stay with you. Book a nice B and B nearby and visit gently and enjoy the sea.
Or sit back and enjoy the victimhood... whatever you prefer.
Honestly life is so short....

Are you my mother by any chance? I live by the sea, its a fab touristy area too. We have a beautiful beach, loads of festivals every year, fab places to eat, plus plenty of room, i invite - well used too - my parents who are the same age as you and still working full time down but no the over an hour drive is way to much. She rather sit on her throne and have everyone come to her like lord of the manor. Even to meet in the next town is a battle. My mother in law who is 20 years older than her is similar but she does come down more often. My husband works near her home place so will always call in to see her on way home. My sis who lives 40 ins from my parents swears if she didn't have children my parents would never visit her house. I am sorry if you don't make the effort why should they. I don't bother seeing my mother too often now really thats also more issue with how she treats me too aswell as not making an effort to see me which i suspect is a similar story here and your not saying

You sound resentful at the move. You want to see your grandkids? You know what to do (hint: it doesn't involve inviting random strangers to your online pity party), park your pride and go visit. Kids don't stay small for long and you're the one missing out.

It's their life, their choices. They're adults and you don't get to dictate where they live, what they do, who they have visit etc.

Can't you see that?

Your sense of entitlement is ruining the possibility of having a happy relationship.

Sorry, but you all sound as stubborn as each other. My DD moved 4 hours away when my DS was newborn. We still managed to drive up to her every month or so, staying in a hotel as she only had a bedsit. She doesn't drive but still managed to catch the bus or train down to us sometimes too.

I really don't get your attitude. (By 'your' I mean all of you)

3 1/2 hours is a very long drive with young DC. When they are small I'd get a train and have a few days in a hotel to see them. As the DGC get older, and you get older they should travel to see you.

So you're only 62?

Friends of ours drive 300 miles in a day at that age- and even at 70.

What health condition stops you driving?

Does it stop you getting the train?

And your oldest grandchild is 6 and you've never seen him?
Really?

My Mum was still coming to see us and her grandchildren, by train, when she was early 80s.

Honestly, you all need a bomb up you!

It sounds as if it's your DIL who is the issue and she doesn't like you- or the other way round.

And it's not on your DH to drive you there. You're 62. Find a train, book a bnb and get on with it. What are you waiting for?

And don't make horrible comments when you arrive! Or pointed remarks. Just enjoy the occasion!

Where on earth does it say she ‘made’ her mum do it?

My elderly neighbour goes to Australia twice a year. She likes seeing her son and family but mostly she likes the holiday! Maybe the posters mum is the same!

We never holidayed with either set of parents but if we had we would both have chosen mine!

It's not always the DIL leading things!

My daughter brings my grandchildren to see me so why can't he when they take them to visit her mum?

I dont understand this OP.

Your daughter comes to see you with her children.

Your son takes his grandchildren to his wife's family (who live near you?) and yet won't come to see you at the same time.

Is that what you mean?

If this is what you mean it's nothing to do with distance.

It's your DIL who doesn't like you.

I also thought from your original post that you were in your eighties, I shall say no more as pps have given you enough home truths.

I don't mean to be unkind, but my first thought when reading this is that you should go and visit them and are putting excuses and stubborness in the way.
You are retired?
Obviously no young kids.
Loads of time.
Want to see them.

Even if I loved my MIL to bits (which I don't) driving 3 hours each way with young kids at the weekend would be a total pain in the arse.

Just go to see them!