Not to be expected to travel 150 miles to see grandchildren

[changinghairstyle]

My son and his wife moved 3 and half hours away and then had children, the move wasn't for work or house prices it was simply to live by the sea.

Both son and his wife drive but I've had to stop driving due to age related health conditions.

My son and his wife are not prepared to come and visit because they say it's too far and they work and have children but they have said if I wanted to see them and the children I can come and see them even though they know I can't drive, they also don't have a room at their house so I will have to stay in alternative accommodation.
I have 3 empty bedrooms.
I have declined an invitation and instead invited them to come and stay but now my son is saying I obviously don't want to visit so don't bother then and declined my invitation.
I miss my son terribly and the grandchildren.

Aibu to think they shouldn't expect me to travel all that way with no car and book myself into a hotel when they could just drive down and visit me and I have the room?

So they need to both take time off work to make the trip worth the distance for young kids… and you expect that. But it’s fine for your husband - the actual grandfather - to not want to take time off work even when the woman he’s supposed to love and support wants him to…? There’s a lot going on here.

Don't let this develop. If they want to live by the sea, good luck to them!

I don't know how your health and mobility are but 62 seems young from my perspective!

Try to overcome this feeling of resentment. They will be very busy if they are working and have small children. If funds allow, book the train, book a Travel Lodge. Best foot forward.

If the mountain won't come to Muhammad, then Muhammad must go to the mountain.

It seems as though you're wasting a lot of time dwelling on the apparent unfairness, rather than being proactive.

I've never got to see my grandchildren

But you COULD! Your DH could take time off and drive you there. But it seems that you're playing tit for tat. The only way to show your son what he's missing, is to visit, be cheerful and positive and build the relationship with your grandchildren that makes them WANT to see you.

My in laws were just three hours away. We visited them for a weekend every six to eight weeks or so. And they visited us similarly. We were the ones that moved away, and although I'm sure they were disappointed, they never ever showed it.

needs to be give and take on both sides - but OP talking like she's an old lady when she's only 62 is just bizarre?

OP is talking like she will only accept them coming to visit her as she has a bigger house and they shouldn't have moved so far away. that kind of stubbornness can't be helping anyone.....

YABVU. Travelling with kids that age is exhausting. They won't sleep well in a strange bed. They'll be tired, overexcited, etc. Besides the parents work, so they'll arrive at work on Monday completely exhausted.

It makes much more sense for you to travel if you want to see them. If that's too much effort for you, then fine, but don't complain if the GC grow up not knowing who you are. They'll be fine

I'll say this as kindly as possible @changinghairstyle. You are a year younger than me. Your DH is still working and your ds and dil work and have very young children.

Book yourself a train and two or three nights at a local hotel. Think of it as a nice break and go and and be the best grandma ever to those three little children so they look forward to you coming and pester for visits to grandma's.

I'm sorry you aren't well and have had to give up driving but also wonder if you ever did trips a long a long way from home independently. What's wrong and are yiu being optimally treated?

My DS and DIL have just relocated to North Yorkshire. Wild horses won't keep me.away particularly when they have children (if). And I think it's a jolly good idea to book an hotel so you all get a bit of space and down time.

MIL and mother were getting the train to London and out to Surrey until they hit their mid 80s. Nothing a wheelie bag couldn't conquer. Nowadays when we visit them we book an hotel because it's easier.

YABVU.

And God forbid they should want to raise their young family by the sea, just because it isn't close to you!

People travel to New Zealand to see their grandchildren!

I had to schlep to Somerset.

Travelling with 3 young kids is a nightmare. You are only 62 so perfectly able to get a train or a bus to visit - or your DH could get of his arse and visit his grandkids. It's your call, but you are the one losing out by being stubborn.

My mum is older than you and uses a frame at home and a wheelchair traveling. She flew across the world regularly to visit me when we had our babies overseas. But you stay home and stew.

I've never got to see my grandchildren yet I have seen on Facebook her family with the children.

Is this just badly worded, or have you dug your heels in for SIX YEARS refusing to visit?!

why can't he when they take them to visit her mum?

Does her mum live near you?

I moved to the USA from the UK and my Dad hops on a plane about three times a year to come and visit and he’s in his 80s. He also pitches in with anything he can do to help - he’s just a joy to be around.

When he gets too old to make that journey I will be more than happy to take on all the visiting - including moving back to take care of him if he needs it.

You could be so much help to your son and his family by visiting regularly. If you don’t visit now when you are still fit and healthy and time rich - and they are in one of the busiest stretches of their lives, they probably won’t feel obligated to make the journey when you can’t any longer.

I'm assuming there is a back story OP where you and your daughter in law don't see eye to eye....?

A retirement by the sea? Do you have other family nearby who can support you in your later years?

The thing is, their young family will have activities etc on weekends. Parents working too. 3.5 hours in a car with young children is not fun. Can you make a day of the travel, train travel is pleasant if go off peak.

It's probably easy for me to say this now, but I'd do it if I were you!

I got sick to the back fucking teeth of being the one facilitating all the contact my parents had with my children because like you they didn’t want to come to me because I had dared to move 2 hours away.

So I stopped going 🤷🏻‍♀️

The fact you made your mum do that is not something to be proud of 😲

Bloody hell what did she do to raise such an entitled brat!

Son & GCs at the coast & only 3 & a half hours away?

Sounds magnificent!

Do you want to be what you think is "in the right" or do you want to see your GCs?

The comments about her family seeing the kids have an undercurrent of DIL blaming about it all.

Most likely - based on experience of DILs posting on MN! - is that he’s not bothered and she’s sensible enough to say to him, “the fuck am I dragging 3 kids on a long drive when I have limited downtime and it’s not actually my family - if you want to organise it, fine.” Then he doesn’t.

But don’t most MIL’s prefer to blame the DIL than their own son?

Are you saying you've never seen your grandchildren? So they've had 3 babies and you and his dad have never gone down to see them shortly after to meet them? No wonder they cba with you.

What do you think grandparents do when their children have emigrated to Australia and started a family there? If you cared enough you'd get on a train to see them.

Then whilst you're there you can discuss taking it in turns, but without showing you can be bothered I wouldn't bend over backwards for you either...

I agree.

My dh never arranges to see his family. I no longer do it either. If he wants to see them he can arrange it I'll happily go, but I'm not his PA and have my hands full enough.

You’ve wasted six years of your grandchildren’s life throwing your pitty party.

With kids that young it will be a far longer journey than 3.5 hours. You’d need to stop at least once. And stopping at the services with young kids is never a quick 5 minute stop. It will take them at least 4 hours each way.

I would not be working full time all week and then squeezing an 8 hour round trip into the weekend.

It is far easier for the 2 of you to visit the young family of 5 than the other way around.

And at the end of the day, the ball is in your court. It sounds like if you refuse to see it from their point of view, you simply won’t see them.