DH not talking to me today because….

[Passthecorkscrew]

DH has taken the huff with me and was actually quite mean during an argument and wondering if I was BU…

Eldest DC is learning to drive, they are doing really well and I’m proud of how quickly it has come.

DH has been doing all the teaching so far and I can’t fault him for how it’s going, he’s patient, is taking DC out daily and I love how it’s became their thing. DH is really enjoying the process.

DC hasn’t had a lesson with a professional instructor yet, they are on a few waiting lists but a spot hasn’t come up.

I don’t drive.

Sitting last night at dinner and DC asked if they could have their friend over for dinner this week and then drive them home but take a route that takes them through 2 major roundabouts and a very busy/fast duel carriage way with slip roads, to note we live rurally, and DC’s friend lives in the nearest city so lots of different types of driving/roads etc to get door to door.

I wondered (maybe wrongly so) aloud that this might be a step too far for DC before they have had a lesson with a professional instructor in a dual control car and also I didn’t think introducing new things was the right time to have friends/siblings in the car…

Well DH has erupted, it has nothing to do with me, I don’t get a say, “driving is a unique skill set which he and DC understand but I don’t” I’m projecting my misled doubt onto DC which will effect their confidence, this went on for some time and escalated to a bit of character assassination. (DH has form for this)

I guess what DH was trying to say and where I’m wondering if he’s right or not is that I don’t have a say in something that has a risk factor to my/our child if I don’t have personal experience in it..do people think this is right?

When I asked him to give me a example of a parenting where I have never not considered his opinion for our 3 DC he said “I don’t ever get involved in anything to do with hair and makeup” !!!!!

Just to add before I unleash this to AIBU, we do live in a high crash area so of course I worry but I’m genuinely more supportive than anything else. I did try explain to DH away from DC that my doubt at this stage isn’t in DC’s ability but more her reaction time if she faced with a bad driving on a fast road but apparently I don’t have a clue.

AIBU

What nonsense. Of course it's related!

It's the same scenario but without an experienced driver in the passenger seat.

My point is that it's better to clock up as many hours of driving experience in different scenarios and learning to deal with distractions with someone there to keep them focused than it is to play things ultra-safe now, and after they pass their test go out on their own having no experience of handling these scenarios.

Driving is inherently a dangerous, but you are willing to trade avoiding a slight increase in risk today for a much greater increase in risk tomorrow.

According to the OP, yes of course a parent is with him

He’s being unreasonable. And it is not a good judgement call to allow a learner driver to have a friend in the car - and I’m sure the friend’s parents would probably agree. Husband has been a knob about this - and is minimising your feelings to boost his own ego.

Thank you

I agree with your husband! Not that he should have been rude about it but he’s her instructor as well as her father so he has just as much interest in her safety as you do, and if he feels she’s ready to go round a big roundabout and down a dual carriageway (neither of which are particularly uncommon outside of rural areas) then I would trust his opinion.

Yes they can.

Hi OP, doesn’t matter if you drive, or not, I agree with you. Until your DC is a more experienced driver, I don’t think she should give her friend a lift home. I’m sure she’s a good driver already, BUT, it’s often other drivers you can’t trust, and if something happened, I wouldn’t want to be explaining that to another child’s parent, as they would naturally blame it on the fact your dc was still a learner (even if it was a another random driver’s fault).

Only if the passenger has had a full driver's licence for at least three years and is over 21.

Screw that - don't let them get to you. I have two non-driving siblings, one because their nerves got the better of them and they failed the test 4 times and the other because of a chronic medical condition.

DC2 hasn't learned to drive yet because (a) couldn't be arsed, (b) wasn't living in the same place long enough at one time and (c) plans a career in big cities where there's good transport links.

You don't need to be a driver to have a point of view ffs!

I would not have allowed my S18 to get in a car with any of his friends while they were still learning. Nor would I have allowed any of them in with him, even with me or his father supervising. Once he passed his test, I then checked with their parents how comfortable they were with him driving them.

Now they are all over 18, they are left to it!

I have no idea how your H compared make up application to a potentially life endangering activity like driving.

I kind of agree with the message that your husband is saying. Ie he’s the one who is a driver and has seen the DCs driving ability on a daily basis. I do think it’s important that you don’t knock the child confidence.

But sounds like he was pretty rude in delivering that message! He could defo have approached it differently.

You need to check - I’m sure a learner isn’t able to go out driving unless they have someone who’s passed in the car too. I maybe wrong. He over reacted and maybe he felt it was an attack on him in some way. You are right though - you are entitled to your views and his response could be mysodanistic. His deep beliefs that spill out when challenged.

I can see both sides. Perhaps you should’ve suggested no passengers until you’ve passed your test rather than made it about your DC ability. I can see why your DH wouldn’t want you to knock their confidence by undermining them. However, you should be able to have opinions and sometimes conflict without it resulting in a character assassination.

Other passengers can sit in the car while you’re supervising the learner driver, but they should not distract them while they’re driving.
As the driver, the learner is responsible for making sure any passengers under 14 years old use a seat belt or child restraint.

that is a direct quote from the .gov website.

The passenger who is supervising needs to meet those criteria. Nothing to say they can't also have other passengers.

Why are people still claiming the plan is illegal? It obviously isn't. OP's husband will be there as normal fulfilling the legal requirement for a supervisor. The friend is an extra passenger.

It might not be illegal but it’s certainly not advisable .

Your opinion is valid, but your DH is also the one in the car with your DC, so i guess if he feels he is competent to drive this route, then I can't see a problem.

But I also did lots of driving with passengers, and on difficult routes, I believe it helped me pass my test, I was ready for any route they through at me.

I think everyone's getting too involved with the rights and wrongs and legalities of a learner having a passenger.

Your main problem is that your husband doesn't respect you.

Must be horrible to live with that.

What nonsense 🙄

This boy will not drive in the same way when his dad is not there. The two scenarios are not relatable.

I don't understand your point.

Are you implying the boy will be a better driver without his dad there to supervise?

Otherwise you're just agreeing with me 🥴

of course you have a right to be worried about your child-your h sounds really arrogant

how long has he been takingdc out for lessons

You said nothing wrong. And if your DC is at least 17 surely they are mature enough for you to have that conversation with them?

Your DH sounds awful.

And what you said was just basic common sense. If your DH doesn't understand that I don't think he can be trusted to carry on with these lessons. Get a professional involved - at least you know your DD will be safe.

He took a reasonable observation on your part as an opportunity to give you a nasty dressing down.
He clearly takes his chance to humiliate and denigrate where he can.
I bet its peaceful when he isn't around.
Would you like your daughter to marry similar?

Yes when they've passed their test and the big metal killing machine is there's to tear about how they want full of passengers/distractions and without the supervisor beside them.