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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not talking to me today because….

272 replies

Passthecorkscrew · 20/05/2024 10:33

DH has taken the huff with me and was actually quite mean during an argument and wondering if I was BU…

Eldest DC is learning to drive, they are doing really well and I’m proud of how quickly it has come.

DH has been doing all the teaching so far and I can’t fault him for how it’s going, he’s patient, is taking DC out daily and I love how it’s became their thing. DH is really enjoying the process.

DC hasn’t had a lesson with a professional instructor yet, they are on a few waiting lists but a spot hasn’t come up.

I don’t drive.

Sitting last night at dinner and DC asked if they could have their friend over for dinner this week and then drive them home but take a route that takes them through 2 major roundabouts and a very busy/fast duel carriage way with slip roads, to note we live rurally, and DC’s friend lives in the nearest city so lots of different types of driving/roads etc to get door to door.

I wondered (maybe wrongly so) aloud that this might be a step too far for DC before they have had a lesson with a professional instructor in a dual control car and also I didn’t think introducing new things was the right time to have friends/siblings in the car…

Well DH has erupted, it has nothing to do with me, I don’t get a say, “driving is a unique skill set which he and DC understand but I don’t” I’m projecting my misled doubt onto DC which will effect their confidence, this went on for some time and escalated to a bit of character assassination. (DH has form for this)

I guess what DH was trying to say and where I’m wondering if he’s right or not is that I don’t have a say in something that has a risk factor to my/our child if I don’t have personal experience in it..do people think this is right?

When I asked him to give me a example of a parenting where I have never not considered his opinion for our 3 DC he said “I don’t ever get involved in anything to do with hair and makeup” !!!!!

Just to add before I unleash this to AIBU, we do live in a high crash area so of course I worry but I’m genuinely more supportive than anything else. I did try explain to DH away from DC that my doubt at this stage isn’t in DC’s ability but more her reaction time if she faced with a bad driving on a fast road but apparently I don’t have a clue.

AIBU

OP posts:
LardoBurrows · 20/05/2024 17:17

TruthorDie · 20/05/2024 16:59

“Unique skill set”. It’s really not that unique, a lot of people drive. Is he always so pompous? Plus shouty and irritable!

I agree. I passed my test at 18 and that was a good while ago. I've driven loads of different types of vehicles and driven abroad, but not once did I ever consider myself to have a "unique skill set". I mean it's not that unique if millions of other people have the same skill set. I'd feel a right twat if I came out with that old bollocks.

Topseyt123 · 20/05/2024 17:24

derxa · 20/05/2024 16:17

Why don't you learn to drive?

Irrelevant. There are many, many reasons why people don't drive. Some are not even able to hold a licence.

Why don't you learn not to judge?

TruthorDie · 20/05/2024 17:39

LardoBurrows · 20/05/2024 17:17

I agree. I passed my test at 18 and that was a good while ago. I've driven loads of different types of vehicles and driven abroad, but not once did I ever consider myself to have a "unique skill set". I mean it's not that unique if millions of other people have the same skill set. I'd feel a right twat if I came out with that old bollocks.

Show quote history

I know right? I did cringe when l read that. Like you l have been driving for years, driven a number of different vehicles here and abroad. Wouldn’t dream of saying that about myself.

MrsJackThornton · 20/05/2024 17:46

Aquamarine1029 · 20/05/2024 16:40

I gave my opinion about your husband earlier in the thread, but I will add that you need to get a driver's license sharpish. Unless you have a disability which prevents you from driving, it's ridiculous that you are so dependent upon your husband. Learn to drive.

Given her DH has just come back from a long stint away and given he's Forces this is probably not the only time he's been away your jump to "the OP is so dependant on him" is quite some leap there

Silvers11 · 20/05/2024 17:50

fieldsofbutterflies · 20/05/2024 16:11

Except in this case, the friend already drives passengers around as a learner. It's in OP's updates.

Show quote history

Yes - except the friend has been getting lessons from a qualified instructor AND practice with his parents.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 20/05/2024 17:57

I would not allow my learner to transport another young person to whom we were in loco parentis at the time.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 20/05/2024 17:58

At least not without checking with the parents!

CultOfRamen · 20/05/2024 18:03

He sounds awful

badatdecisions · 20/05/2024 18:12

Passthecorkscrew · 20/05/2024 10:47

Thank you everyone,

He is generally an all round good guy but he did take this very personally for whatever reason..

I did try and explain that isn’t about his coaching or DC’s ability…they are actually doing really well, just that neither of them can control other drivers and DC’s reaction time is still a work in progress.

Are you really surprised he's taken it personally when it's a criticism of his judgement, his teaching skills, his parenting and communication, and your daughter, and on a topic you aren't qualified in?

She isn't going to pass and magically have control of all the other drivers.

Notreat · 20/05/2024 18:16

I didn't think learner drivers were allowed to have passengers in a car but apparently they can.
. But anyway you are not being unreasonable I don't know many people who would be happy about that

MaryFuckingFerguson · 20/05/2024 18:16

I wouldn’t want my learner daughter driving in those conditions and with a passenger to boot. YANBU.

2wheelmum · 20/05/2024 18:21

The hair and make-up comment 🙄

You never know, someone may die due to accidentally painting their lips outside of the lipline or being stabbed to death by a mascara.😂

ManchesterLu · 20/05/2024 18:35

When someone's learning to drive, it should be them and the supervisor ONLY. No friends/siblings or whatever. A car is a very heavy piece of metal capable of high speeds. No distractions. This is even more important in a normal car without dual controls.

Teens may want to drive their friend home, but will then have a different attitude because they're showing off. No. They will have plenty of time to drive their friends round when they've passed their test.

Compromise, DP can take friend home with DC and then DC can drive home.

ItDoesntHaveToBeDave · 20/05/2024 18:41

Passthecorkscrew · 20/05/2024 16:47

Wow MN at its finest

(the minority not the majority, thanks for all your views on my AIBU)

The judgment on why I don’t drive is astounding considering I didn’t ask for any opinions in my OP.

There are many reasons when people don’t, medical, impairments, legal, trauma, expense…

You have no idea my reason so keep your unwanted views to yourself.

The judgment on why I don’t drive is astounding considering I didn’t ask for any opinions in my OP.

"I didn't ask for any opinions..." 😂😂 are you new to "AIBU"?

If yes - it is a steep learning curve isn't it - you never, ever need to ASK for opinions!

If not - what on God's green earth are you on about? What threads have you been on when people don't give opinions?!

Timeforanewnam · 20/05/2024 18:41

i actually have a few different thoughts on this

  1. traveling with a mate in the car for the first time as a learner, while technically allowed, is not a good idea at all . Even the most sensible of people would be distracted by this , and teenagers are not renowned for being sensible
  2. The way your husband spoke to you is awful, but ultimately up to you if you put up with that or not .
  3. I do however agree that flapping about roundabouts is a way to push your anxiety about driving onto your child - duel carriageways are normally very early on in driving lessons- you don’t say how long they have been learning for
  4. you are entitled to an opinion, we all are , however if your husband has been out with your child every day he will have a better understanding of their abilities, then someone who hasn’t been teaching them to drive .

hope you find a suitable solution

CactusPeach · 20/05/2024 18:43

It sounds like your husband's ego was hurt, he feels he's the expert and how dare you question him over this area where he is superior.
Personally, and speaking as a driver with a child coming up to that age, I'd agree with you, those things should definitely not be tackled for the first time with a friend in the car and ideally would be in a dual controlled car.
Plus, I'd go mad if my child was the friend in that situation.

You seem more clued up than your husband and he sounds like a dick. Especially the "erupted", character assassination and now silent treatment.

Rewis · 20/05/2024 19:05

He needs to be I'm charge of hair and make up from now on

Grammarnut · 20/05/2024 19:15

Silvers11 · 20/05/2024 17:50

Yes - except the friend has been getting lessons from a qualified instructor AND practice with his parents.

Show quote history

And presumably has a driver in the car with them? Otherwise they are breaking the law.

greengreyblue · 20/05/2024 19:15

You were quite right. Shouldn’t be carrying passengers. Not fair on friend either. Your DH sounds like a child.

Rosesanddaffs · 20/05/2024 19:17

You are not being unreasonable, I lost my brother in a car crash through no fault of his own. There are too many idiots on the road, you don’t need to be a “driver” to have a say in the safety of your child.

Maelil01 · 20/05/2024 19:23

bogoffeternal · 20/05/2024 16:38

Do you think it will be safer in a couple of months when they have their full licence, a bit more confidence, and no Dad in the passenger seat to keep them focused?

Show quote history

That’s entirely unrelated to the original question.

Your question doesn’t require an answer!

Threeboysadogacatandakitten · 20/05/2024 19:24

My ds (17) has had a lot of driving lessons with an instructor and I’ve been taking him out for practice. He’s very close to sitting his test. I wouldn’t let him drive with a friend in the car.

He is going away for a holiday with some friends at the end of the summer and asked if they could take the car if he had passed his test. I’m not going to let him. I know the risk is small but the fallout would be huge if something happened.

Quite a few of his friends have already passed and I have let him go in the car with some of them (a lift to work, a lift home from school) but generally just in and around town where an accident would be more of a bump than a high speed crash.

squidgybits · 20/05/2024 19:29

As said previously, your husband is an arse
The government have plans to stop young drivers having friends in their car for a time as it is obviously a problem
You may not have knowledge of driving but if your gut feels it is not safe then I would be going with my gut - every - single - time

DontBiteTheCat · 20/05/2024 19:30

bogoffeternal · 20/05/2024 16:38

Do you think it will be safer in a couple of months when they have their full licence, a bit more confidence, and no Dad in the passenger seat to keep them focused?

Show quote history

Hopefully in a couple of months they will have had some lessons with a qualified instructor, maybe done some motorway and city driving, so yes I imagine they would be more experienced and therefore safer than they are now.

Heirian · 20/05/2024 19:33

When I asked him to give me a example of a parenting where I have never not considered his opinion for our 3 DC he said “I don’t ever get involved in anything to do with hair and makeup” !!!!!

Wowww. Ubertwat.

It's all your fault clearly OP, for questioning the judgement of a person in possession of a penis.

Ignore the bullshit about not driving, MN absolutely hates non-drivers, but there's nothing wrong with not driving.

@Timeforanewnam how is OP "flapping?" She just questioned whether it was the right time yet. You sound quite unpleasant.