AIBU for telling my daughter that I won't attend her wedding?

[GladCat]

Hi, I'm going to keep it short. My daughter is 27 years old and has been living in the UAE for a few years now. She works as an English teacher and the pay + benefits there are great. She's a very sociable person so she has a large circle of friends there, surprisingly made up of mostly natives (Emiratis). It was through one of these female Emirati friends that she was introduced to her now fiancé. They're getting married in January 2025. Even though we met the man and he seems like a good one, there's just one tiny problem: he already has a wife and 2 kids. My husband and I are aware that in Islam men are permitted to have up to 4 wives (and apparently the fiancé's wife is cool with this since it's common throughout their social class), but we're still very uncomfortable with the practice 'cause it feels archaic (and frankly oppressive) to us. We told our daughter that she can do whatever she wants as a grown woman and we'll always want her to be happy, but we don't condone dynamics like this and don't wish to attend the wedding events. She's obviously quite pissed at us. AIBU?

I also wouldn't attend, for the same reasons as you , sounds like it will all end in tears for dd

I'm with @chilliprawn.

Support your daughter, she will need it.

You need to go so that if it all goes tits up your daughter knows that she still has a safe haven at your house.

You pays your money and you takes your choice. You want her to be happy unless you don't agree with the scenario, you need to decide what's more important. If not going feels like the best long term option for your relationship with her then don't go, it's certainly sending a clear message.

But where will that get you?

I would go. I’d need to show support and love for my daughter. She can’t go into a commitment like that alone.

This setup would make me even more keen to attend. All my protective instincts would kick in, and I would be there for her every step of the way. Being there would not mean I condoned this; it would show I am there for her.

It depends if you want your daughter to know you’ll support her through anything - including this potentially going south - or not.

But I suspect it’s too late for that. You’ve told her you don’t agree so won’t attend. You can’t really backtrack on that. I hope she’s got a good support network around her.

I don’t agree with what she’s doing, at all, and I’d have had some moral objections to her going to live there; but I’d have supported her through both, because you want an exit route for her if she needs one.

I understand your concerns but I’d definitely attend my daughter’s wedding. I’m sure loads of parents aren’t thrilled about who their kids marry, you don’t just not turn up.

When this goes tits up, do you want her to feel like she can come home?

Do you want her to keep talking to you and confiding in you ?

If so, go to the wedding.

It depends upon your relationship with your daughter. Do you love her? Does she want you there?

Maybe she is making a mistake.
Maybe she is happy and it will all work out just fine.

If it would upset her for you not to be there, then I would go, for her sake, plaster on a smile and not be judgmental or spoil her day.

I'd attend wedding whatever your thoughts on who she's marrying., she's an adult. I'd see it as v important to attend to keep her relationship with you good, so that in event of any issues or difficulties she is not reluctant to contact you for help.

Oh - and if she's not already familiar with her rights under UAE and Shariah law do encourage her to research that.

YABU. You may be uncomfortable with the wedding, but are you really comfortable with damaging your relationship with your own daughter?

What @chilliprawn said.

Absolutely.

This is one you really don't want to miss.

In the Middle East having more than one wife is not that common, despite what people claim, particularly among the young and well-educated.

And whatever people say, the first wife is rarely cool about another wife!

I wonder what your daughter thinks is in it for her... is the guy extremely wealthy?

I agree. OP, as much as you disagree with the wedding you need to play the long game.

One day your daughter may need you, and if you've burnt your bridges by refusing to attend the wedding, then she will have no-one to turn to should things go wrong.

You can express how you feel and still attend the wedding. I wouldn’t want to send the message that she’s alone in an ‘oppressive, archaic marriage’.
It’s unlikely she will not go ahead because you’re against it, so it will only serve to drive a wedge between you.

I'd go. It's a big day for her and as a grown woman she has made this decision. If and when it doesn't work out she'll still have her mum.

I agree and wouldnt go either. I dont think this signals she can't come to you when it falls apart etc. But I would be clear that I dont condone her being treated in this manner and that I wanted more for her.

Just because you dont attend doesnt mean you cut contact. How will you feel if she has kids?

I’m torn@GladCat .

I think at 27 your dd must know that marrying a man who already has a wife is an archaic custom.
However it seems that after a few years in the UAE your dd has accepted some of the frankly awful customs.
Perhaps if she truly loves this man then being accepted by everyone and being wife number 2 is less messy than being the ow.

I don’t think I’d want to go to the wedding but I probably would go.

I would be just as concerned for the same reasons you have given but I would be there for my daughter.

You don’t know when she might need you in the future and you need to keep the communication lines open.

I would not go and I wouldn't be happy about my daughter embracing the culture in a country that has a huge divide between people like her and above and the modern slaves that do all the menial jobs.

Oh my lord. I would be furious at this. Regardless of being a grown woman or any of that. Why on earth is she doing this?

I wouldn't be happy at all.but....id go because shes my daughter and id say to her that youll always be there for her, because if this cocks up she will always know she can talk to you...if youre not there at the wedding she won't forget that...you don't have to be supportive of the situation to be there.
My DD got married, i didnt approve he was abusive, but i stick by her and went to the wedding, i knew it would go tits up but i also knew i would be first person she knew she could come to if things went wrong.