AIBU for telling my daughter that I won't attend her wedding?

[GladCat]

Hi, I'm going to keep it short. My daughter is 27 years old and has been living in the UAE for a few years now. She works as an English teacher and the pay + benefits there are great. She's a very sociable person so she has a large circle of friends there, surprisingly made up of mostly natives (Emiratis). It was through one of these female Emirati friends that she was introduced to her now fiancé. They're getting married in January 2025. Even though we met the man and he seems like a good one, there's just one tiny problem: he already has a wife and 2 kids. My husband and I are aware that in Islam men are permitted to have up to 4 wives (and apparently the fiancé's wife is cool with this since it's common throughout their social class), but we're still very uncomfortable with the practice 'cause it feels archaic (and frankly oppressive) to us. We told our daughter that she can do whatever she wants as a grown woman and we'll always want her to be happy, but we don't condone dynamics like this and don't wish to attend the wedding events. She's obviously quite pissed at us. AIBU?

I know, that's why I said it's common among "their social class", this is a subset of Emiratis - you need to be able to afford multiple wives if you want that which there means separate houses for them, cars, staff, allowance, etc. The wives usually only meet at joint family functions, vacations...

Completely understand where you are coming from Op.
I would be really upset.
However, I would still attend the wedding.
Also, I would think about future grandchildren etc. You would want to be in their lives
Your dd is an adult and she has made her decision. Just support her so that she knows that you will always be there for her if the marriage doesn’t work out

You must go, for her. As when this falls apart she will need you. Also ensure she keeps hold of her passport, or a trusted friend holds it for her. We had a relative do something similar & had a dickens of a job getting her home, when it all went very very wrong, as his family had her passport.

I initially thought it would be unreasonable to miss a child's wedding, then I read your post.

Then I thought in those circumstances I would not want to give 'my blessing' to the marriage she is entering into because I would oppose it utterly.

Then I read some of the following posts and changed my mind (again) and thought silent support for my child would be important, even if I was clear that I had deep reservations about the whole thing. (Even if I was secretly hoping up to the end that she would call it off/change her mind)

In short, really tricky situation that I would find it hard to decide on.

She may need you to go through legal things she has to face when she wants to bring all the children back to the UK that she will be 'encouraged' to have when it all goes wrong

This

I wouldn't go 🤷🏼‍♀️ I couldn't possibly be happy for her and who needs a mother with a face like a slapped arse on their wedding day anyway?

This all over

I don't think anyone would disagree that it's a terrible idea to marry someone who already has a wife. We come from a country and culture where this isn't acceptable or legal!

But, if she is going to do this, she needs her faniky to show her that they will always be there for her, no matter what. So on that basis, I would go.

Has she discussed their future plans? Where will she live? Is she converting to Islam? What are her expectations of daily life? Does she understand that if she has children with him she may never be able to leave with them? What does she see as the positives to this marriage?

You must be reeling. Take it slow, do some research. Don't blurt out everything you think is wrong with this plan every time you speak to her, show her your support. Keep communication open.

If this was my DD, I would definitely attend. You can’t make choices for her, but she’s your DD, you need to support her.

Go - she is going to need you.

Make sure she is completely clear than any children they have will never leave UAE with her, should they divorce and be aware that divorce is, despite the multiple marriage paradigm, relatively common.

I would hate my daughters choice.

I would be at the wedding.

The very last thing that should happen now is that your daughter feels abandoned.

Right now is the time that you should strengthen her ties to a world outside the one she’s living in.

Your daughter will be immersed in this world through her friends and her husband.

You need to give the message that nothing at all will ever stop your love and support of her.

You need to send the message that if she needs you your are there without any judgement or told you so

Sure. Alienate your daughter so that if she is being oppressed she doesn't feel like she can come to you for help. Sounds like a solid plan 👍
Definitely much better than showing your daughter that you'll support her no matter what and that you respect her.

I would be there as a shot first time this option ( being the second wife) was mentioned to check on things. I know she is grown up and has right to make her own bad choices but some choices are just worse than others.
You should go and if there is a chance for her to change her mind she will need someone to support her in this.

Never mind the wedding, that’s not til January! I’d be getting myself out there right now to see what’s going on, meet him, meet these friends etc. Perhaps get to the bottom of what she thinks is in it for her. Does she still have friends in the UK? Can you gently find out what they think of the whole situation?

My first instinct would be to drag her home, but she’s 27 so I guess you can’t do that… but I would definitely increase the contact, maybe convince her to come for a trip home.

I think the thing to do is to go out to the UAE duting the festivities in order to be there for your daughter, to be supportive if her and to tell her directly in person how much you love her.

But don't go to the ceremony or the parties and state very clearly to your daughter that you believe she is consenting to an abusive and misogynistic practice that will be detrimental to her and any children she has in the long run. There's no amount of money that can be showered upon her that compensates for the basic lack of respect fof her as a human which is intrinsic to seeing marriage as something a man can buy as many times as he likes, rather than being a partnership of two equals.

But your concern is for her and for her wellbeing and if she's choosing to walk into a golden cage that will never stop you from loving her.

So hard. I feel like it would be a bad thing for you to push your daughter away in these circumstances and I'm pretty sure not attending her wedding would do that. So for that reason I would go.

I sympathise though as this isn't something I'd want for my daughter. I'd be scared of what happens when she has kids. She'll likely be trapped fully then as they would never allow her to leave the country with them and her husband will be the one with all the rights.

Alarm bells and red flags everywhere, but that's even more reason to not do anything that will cause her to pull away from you.

Absolutely 100% this and OP the same to ensure you know what the scenario would be should the marriage not suit her and she wants to divorce both before and after children. You'll then be in a better place to voice your concerns because you'll be able to back them up with facts.

Not going would really only give you the rights to I Told You So and that's just not helpful for anyone. Keep your enemies close, get in there, back her up and don't let him and his family, or her get the impression she's on her own should anything go wrong.

As all the other messages, don’t fall out with her OP. She will need you if (when) the shit hits the fan…

I hope she understands that if she later has children and the relationship breaks down, it’ll almost certainly be impossible for her to take her children back to the U.K..

Will add that I’ve lived and worked in this part of the world (TEFL) and a Brit colleague did end up marrying one of her adult students. It has evidently been a happy marriage but there was no first wife in the equation.

I would probably go, OP, but I certainly wouldn’t be happy about it.

Go in support to your dd. What type of legal contract does she have in case of divorce- a prenup? What will happen with her future children in case she wants to move back to the UK? Ask her about this.

I think we can be certain that if she has children, she'll never be allowed to take them out of the country.

Why not just be happy for her?

And if/when it goes wrong you can also be there for her.

She is obviously happy so what more could you want than your child's happiness?

This and all the others who said this.

there’s still time. You can be honest with her. That you changed your mind and want to attend because you want her to know and feel that you support and love her no matter what, no matter that you would have made different choices to her, and that she can always count on you to be there for her.

the chances of this going south are not insignificant- she was not brought up in an environment where someone has to be the 2nd/3rd/4th wife so it’s ok if you’re that so I imagine it will grind soon enough.

Even more important you attend to support your dd when this sham of a marriage goes wrong. His poor first wife and children.