AIBU for telling my daughter that I won't attend her wedding?

[GladCat]

Hi, I'm going to keep it short. My daughter is 27 years old and has been living in the UAE for a few years now. She works as an English teacher and the pay + benefits there are great. She's a very sociable person so she has a large circle of friends there, surprisingly made up of mostly natives (Emiratis). It was through one of these female Emirati friends that she was introduced to her now fiancé. They're getting married in January 2025. Even though we met the man and he seems like a good one, there's just one tiny problem: he already has a wife and 2 kids. My husband and I are aware that in Islam men are permitted to have up to 4 wives (and apparently the fiancé's wife is cool with this since it's common throughout their social class), but we're still very uncomfortable with the practice 'cause it feels archaic (and frankly oppressive) to us. We told our daughter that she can do whatever she wants as a grown woman and we'll always want her to be happy, but we don't condone dynamics like this and don't wish to attend the wedding events. She's obviously quite pissed at us. AIBU?

I’d go and say things like “you don’t have to get married you know”.

Honestly I would be appalled, I would still go for my DD though. I lived in the ME and didn’t know anyone with 2 wives, it’s less of a thing now, it’s really not common in your DD’s generation at all.

Most muslim women I know would be furious if their husband tried to take another wife. I don’t think the first wife is fine with it for cultural reasons, more likely she wants him to not bother her.

Go and make nice with his family etc, it’s better if you get to know them.

So you don't attend her wedding on principle after deciding she is making a massive error. What happens next? Do you never go see her again? Never get to know her family environment? What if she is having a wonderful life and is happy with the set-up? What if she stays happily married for 20 years or more and has her own children? Do you want to alienate her and grandchildren for an ill-informed judgement or her life when she's 27? We all live and learn. Let her do this too, you did in your younger life I'm sure. Each generation thinks they know best; you have to support her despite your worries. Good parenting equals unconditional love and acceptance

There's a lot of cultural judgement in these replies.

An assumption that the set-up must be 'abusive', 'misogynistic' and a 'sham'.

OP has said the fiance is a good man and implied that her DD will be wealthy, set up in her own home etc. As long as she's able to maintain independence, so that she can work and have her own money (and therefore an escape route should she need it) then I don't see why this should be an issue?

As long as she maintains independence and freedom, and can come home if it all goes tits up without the mrriage being recognised in UK law, then she has an escape route open.

If children got into the mix then it would be more complicated but ideally se'll have time to decide if the set-up works for her or not before having them.

So as other posters have said, let her do her research on the practical set-up. The pros and cons, and what her rights and situation would be if things go wrong.

And please don't cut her off - go to the wedding - she needs to know she still has you to come back to if it doesn't work out.

I would absolutely be over there asap too for a visit, because with you there as a bit of a perspective provider things may start to look a little different for her.

Look I just want to also point out he’s probably not some sort of demon monster, just an entitled little shit. I would make sure she’s actually getting some advice about what the legal position is and ensure that she will be treated the way an Emirati woman would expect as a second wife. You can’t stop her from doing it but you can make sure that her fiancée is fulfilling whatever obligations he has towards her.

No amount of money would make me happy for my DD to do this either.

What will actually be achieved by not going other than creating a huge emotional gap between you and your daughter at a time when you need to be as close as possible. Who our adult children marry is their choice and if we think it has potential to be a bad choice then we need to be as near as possible, not distant to 'make it known what we think'. What we think of the choice is not relevant. You need to be as close as you can and that includes attending the wedding.

I understand why you don’t want to attend but I think you need to think of the long term now. As others have said, if it goes wrong she needs to know you’re there to support her. If it doesn’t go wrong and she has children, you run the risk of not knowing your grandchildren.

I would apologise to her. In your apology I would express your concern for her and how she is protected if everything goes wrong. Ask her to explain what her rights are both under Islamic law and UAE law. What happens in regards to children or property if she wanted to leave him or if he died. Hopefully prompting her to these questions will make her research how she can protect herself (if she can).

I'd vomit with rage and disgust if forced to watch my daughter debase herself like this. I could not bear it. But please make it clear to her you love her and will come running if she ever needs you. And keep the lines of communication open.

He's supposed to treat all wives equally. The biggest issue will be children, us she aware that she will be stuck with him forever once they come along?
I'd want to be having a serious chat with her, but if she's committed to marrying him thrn I wouldn't miss the marriage on principle, she's your dd.

He's supposed to. But that rarely happens in practice.

@T1Dmama

'Wow hope you’re not a parent!'

Our children are all adults and have travelled extensively and like us have seen how modern slavery openly flourishes in certain countries and they want no part of it because they have morals.

None of us travel anywhere now that openly supports modern slavery.

I really would be sickened if my daughter was embracing the lifestyle and culture. Thankfully she knows better.

You need to go and support her. And as others have said does she realise she won't have any rights regarding custody of children and so on. What the husband decides will happen and his word will be law.

You dont have to agree, but you absolutely have to go and support her decision. She may need you in the future and not going could make her feel like she cant turn to you. Support her when she's happy and she'll come to you if shes not and needs you.

Must be comforting to be this naive

I agree with others - it is now she needs you more than ever. Go. Love her. Make it clear she has a supportive family she can turn to if she ever needs to.

I lived in the middle east for 7 years and made one emirati friend. Seems your daughter has got carried away with the glitz and glamour and ultimately the materal things she would gain by marrying this man. There is no need in the modern age for a man to take more than one wife. I wonder if she has really thought it through

I lived in the ME and didn’t know anyone with 2 wives, it’s less of a thing now, it’s really not common in your DD’s generation at all

This was my thought too. It is actually quite rare in this day and age in the GCC. Perhaps he is a bit older or is much wealthier than an average Emirati. None of this makes much sense to me …

Will he allow her to work?
Will he allow her to see friends
Will she be allowed out without him
Will she have to convert to Muslim?

These are all questions she should be asking.

@RedHelenB He's supposed to be 'just' ie ensure that his wives are treated equally as to their legal rights. But the Surat al-Nisa also says that it will be impossible for a man to feel the same love and attraction to all of his wives as this is something a man cannot control. And indeed the Prophet said when asked that of all his wives he loved Aishah the most. So that's why it's important OP's DD ensures she's fully up to speed on her legal rights going into this.

@ManilowBarry if you've ever bought food from any big supermarket chain, or clothes from boohoo, Next, M&S or any of the big supermarket chains, or own an Apple product, or an android product...then you too are supporting modern slavery.

@Chickenuggetsticks where has it been said anywhere that he's an 'entitled little shit'?

I thought this too. Found it seemed very outdated to the younger generation, it was something their grandad’s had done.
I’d be with you in not agreeing with this practice, which disadvantages women and puts them at risk both health wise and financially. But you need to make sure your dd can protect herself financially and get home to you if it all goes wrong. She should be aware that if she has children with this man she most likely won’t be able to remove them from the country, so could be tied there for 20 + years.
I hope she realises what she’s getting into.

This is massively risky - once they’re married it’s entirely possible his attitude towards her will change, as will her status in the country. Currently she has some protections as a westerner living there teaching English. Once they’re married, she’s property. If he’s wealthy and connected then it’s possibly even worse and she may not be able to leave the house, let alone the country.

Also second wife is a thing. What happens when the third comes along? And the primary wife isn’t going anywhere…

Further, she will only be married under UAE law, not in the UK. Bigamy is illegal here. So even if it’s all amicable after they split at some point, she’ll almost certainly be left with nowt and no way to enforce anything. Any kids will not be able to be brought back to the UK.

If the wedding goes ahead then you should go to show her you’ll be there for her no matter what, but I’d be seriously planning the escape routes for her.

💯% - get your butt out there while you still can. Is she still friendly with any one from home that could have influence?

if it came to the wedding I would be there too - trying to build relationships with the grooms family so that you can have influence when it all goes wrong 😑

I voted YANBU, but it's a really tricky one. Pretty sure I couldn't bear to attend a wedding myself in such circumstances, but try to ensure that your daughter knows 100% that you're there for her if she ever needs you.

How could she have sex with a man who's shagging someone else on a regular basis?

No morals and money orientated.