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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for telling my daughter that I won't attend her wedding?

230 replies

GladCat · 20/05/2024 08:36

Hi, I'm going to keep it short. My daughter is 27 years old and has been living in the UAE for a few years now. She works as an English teacher and the pay + benefits there are great. She's a very sociable person so she has a large circle of friends there, surprisingly made up of mostly natives (Emiratis). It was through one of these female Emirati friends that she was introduced to her now fiancé. They're getting married in January 2025. Even though we met the man and he seems like a good one, there's just one tiny problem: he already has a wife and 2 kids. My husband and I are aware that in Islam men are permitted to have up to 4 wives (and apparently the fiancé's wife is cool with this since it's common throughout their social class), but we're still very uncomfortable with the practice 'cause it feels archaic (and frankly oppressive) to us. We told our daughter that she can do whatever she wants as a grown woman and we'll always want her to be happy, but we don't condone dynamics like this and don't wish to attend the wedding events. She's obviously quite pissed at us. AIBU?

OP posts:
JSMill · 20/05/2024 10:31

Westfacing · 20/05/2024 08:44

In the Middle East having more than one wife is not that common, despite what people claim, particularly among the young and well-educated.

And whatever people say, the first wife is rarely cool about another wife!

I wonder what your daughter thinks is in it for her... is the guy extremely wealthy?

I agree. It's absolutely not socially acceptable amongst educated people so I have to wonder about the background of the fiancé. I wonder if his wife knows about it.
I think you should go so you are involved in your dd's life. However I would continue to try to talk her out it. Btw I am speaking as someone who is married to an Arab Muslim who lived in the Middle East for over ten years.

MrsSkylerWhite · 20/05/2024 10:36

Nottherealslimshady · Today 08:56
Sure. Alienate your daughter so that if she is being oppressed she doesn't feel like she can come to you for help. Sounds like a solid plan 👍
Definitely much better than showing your daughter that you'll support her no matter what and that you respect her.”

Harsh. I’d struggle to respect a daughter who didn’t respect herself.

WestCorkGal · 20/05/2024 10:36

Maybe this marriage will not " go tits up". Maybe she will have children and maybe she will not want you in her life by then. Go to this wedding. Demonstrate to your daughter and her prospective in laws that she also has a loving and strong family behind her

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 20/05/2024 10:43

MrsSkylerWhite · 20/05/2024 10:36

Nottherealslimshady · Today 08:56
Sure. Alienate your daughter so that if she is being oppressed she doesn't feel like she can come to you for help. Sounds like a solid plan 👍
Definitely much better than showing your daughter that you'll support her no matter what and that you respect her.”

Harsh. I’d struggle to respect a daughter who didn’t respect herself.

Really- I would have thought showing respect for her choices would have been more apt. Would you not love your daughter if she didn’t love herself!

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 20/05/2024 10:45

Whether you agree with her choices or not you surely want to be there for the long haul and if you don’t go to the wedding you won’t be. Be her parent and be there for her whatever. It’s not your life, it’s hers.

BIossomtoes · 20/05/2024 10:46

MrsSkylerWhite · 20/05/2024 10:36

Nottherealslimshady · Today 08:56
Sure. Alienate your daughter so that if she is being oppressed she doesn't feel like she can come to you for help. Sounds like a solid plan 👍
Definitely much better than showing your daughter that you'll support her no matter what and that you respect her.”

Harsh. I’d struggle to respect a daughter who didn’t respect herself.

Surely what you offer your child is unconditional love and you can dislike their actions while continuing to love them. Respect doesn’t come into this. It’s about support and having her back. Refusing to attend her wedding sends a very clear message. She won’t forgive it.

GerbilsForever24 · 20/05/2024 10:46

Surely your dd is going to have to convert in order to take part in this marriage? I'd be a bit worried about whether she's even getting the whole story.

CharlotteRumpling · 20/05/2024 10:47

This is not a choice that can be respected in any way.

Tough to know what to do Sorry if I have missed it, but have you talked with her about her legal standing and that of any future kids?

MrsSkylerWhite · 20/05/2024 10:47

@Whatevershallidowithmylife
Love, yes always. Would struggle to respect her archaic choice, though
and would find it very hard to pretend I did.

BIossomtoes · 20/05/2024 10:49

MrsSkylerWhite · 20/05/2024 10:47

@Whatevershallidowithmylife
Love, yes always. Would struggle to respect her archaic choice, though
and would find it very hard to pretend I did.

So would I. I’d be horrified but I’d also be taking the long view.

GladCat · 20/05/2024 10:51

GerbilsForever24 · 20/05/2024 10:46

Surely your dd is going to have to convert in order to take part in this marriage? I'd be a bit worried about whether she's even getting the whole story.

Yes, that's a requirement. Weddings there have 2 parts: the religious wedding ceremony ("melcha") when the marriage contract is signed and there's a party (you're considered married after this); ~1 month later there's the actual wedding reception as we know it.

OP posts:
WednesburyUnreasonable · 20/05/2024 10:52

JSMill · 20/05/2024 10:31

I agree. It's absolutely not socially acceptable amongst educated people so I have to wonder about the background of the fiancé. I wonder if his wife knows about it.
I think you should go so you are involved in your dd's life. However I would continue to try to talk her out it. Btw I am speaking as someone who is married to an Arab Muslim who lived in the Middle East for over ten years.

Agree - this whole scenario is very unusual, and if it’s real then there’s probably more to the story than what’s in the OP. My cousin (Lebanese Muslim) is married to an Emirati and while our families are very different in many ways, one thing they’d have in common is thinking any family member doing this had absolutely lost their mind.

rwalker · 20/05/2024 10:53

You need to go absolutely tell her you don’t approve which you have done

the problem is if you don’t go it creates a massive rift and if ever she needed help she’d feel she wouldn’t be able to come to you

CharlotteRumpling · 20/05/2024 10:53

Worse and worse. What has she actually said when you have raised your concerns?

Btw my mum threatened to not attend my wedding because I, an Asian, married another Asian from another community! ( Asians being so diverse) She did attend in the end. I didn't hold it against her.

MamasitaGringita · 20/05/2024 10:55

Has your daughter converted to Islam?

GladCat · 20/05/2024 10:56

CharlotteRumpling · 20/05/2024 10:53

Worse and worse. What has she actually said when you have raised your concerns?

Btw my mum threatened to not attend my wedding because I, an Asian, married another Asian from another community! ( Asians being so diverse) She did attend in the end. I didn't hold it against her.

That she knows better than I do since she actually lives there, speaks the language, has native friends, etc. and she's not asking for permission, she's just asking for support; at the end of the day she's responsible for her own choices, whether good or bad.

OP posts:
SpringleDingle · 20/05/2024 10:58

I'd go and make it totally clear to her that I am on her side, come what may. I'd be happy for her because right at this moment this is what she thinks she wants. However in the back of my head I'd be there so she knows I am here for her when it all goes Pete Tong!

ManilowBarry · 20/05/2024 10:59

I think there is enough here to be disgusted at the daughter wanting to be part of a culture that is active in the abuse of human rights to such a large extent.

No doubt the daughter will have a housekeeper or a nanny at some point.

But as long as she's got a rich husband that's ok. 😬

In 2021, United Arab Emirates (UAE) authorities continued to invest in a “soft power” strategy aimed at painting the country as a progressive, tolerant, and rights-respecting nation, yet the UAE’s intolerance of criticism was reflected in the continued unjust imprisonment of leading human rights activist Ahmed Mansoor and others.
The UAE continued to develop its surveillance capabilities, both online and through mass facial recognition surveillance in public spaces. New reports emerged of UAE authorities misusing Israeli spyware to gain access to the private and encrypted communications of journalists, activists, and world leaders.
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The UAE blocked representatives of international human rights organizations and UN experts from conducting in-country research and visiting prisons and detention facilities.
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Prominent academic Nasser bin-Ghaith, serving 10 years on charges stemming from criticism of UAE and Egyptian authorities, and university professor and human rights lawyer Mohammed al-Roken, serving 10 years following his conviction alongside 68 other people in the grossly unfair “UAE 94” trial, also remained in prison.
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In October 2020, a UAE court sentenced a Jordanian resident of the UAE to 10 years in prison based entirely on peaceful Facebook posts criticizing Jordan’s government.
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CharlotteRumpling · 20/05/2024 10:59

So difficult. I am very impressed that she speaks Arabic and has local friends. But I doubt she has looked into the legalities and how she will be treated as a foreign second wife, even one who speaks Arabic.

Katiesaidthat · 20/05/2024 11:06

justafleshwound2024 · 20/05/2024 09:27

I'd vomit with rage and disgust if forced to watch my daughter debase herself like this. I could not bear it. But please make it clear to her you love her and will come running if she ever needs you. And keep the lines of communication open.

I was just about to write exactly this. I was reading the OP and suddenly realised my hands had clenched hard. I was really imagining my daughter doing this.
OP you must be devastated, but I think you need to stay close to her and be "the voice of reason" when needed. I can only surmise she must be head over heels in love with him to accept this.

Mangoooo · 20/05/2024 11:08

I have a few questions about women's rights over there. Does the man have full parental responsibility for the children? As in he has full say on how his children are raised? Sons having more freedom and treated better than daughters? If she divorces him then is it illegal for her to take the children out of the country?

Op, I think you need to look into these laws and how they may restrict your daughter's freedom (and her future children's).

Vistada · 20/05/2024 11:10

Nanny0gg · 20/05/2024 10:23

This woman is 27 years old!

She is making a horrible choice - why should the OP show 'support'?

Absolutely I would be there if it went wrong and she would be welcome home with open arms but I wouldn't be saying or showing that I agreed with ANY of it. I would go before the wedding, meet him and lay out my concerns to my daughter (assuming I got the chance) and letting her know I'd be there if it went wrong. But I would not be plastering on a smile on the day and posing for happy family photos

because by not going, you are making it about you.

mollyfolk · 20/05/2024 11:12

at the end of the day she's responsible for her own choices, whether good or bad.

She is but surely you’ll always look out for her no matter the choices that she makes. Choices that could impact her future children too. Is there anyone who could have influence on her - an aunt, a friend - who could highlight the many issues raised in this thread.

Mostlyoblivious · 20/05/2024 11:13

You’ve already damage your relationship. How much do you want to salvage it, or damage it further?

tattygrl · 20/05/2024 11:14

My child going into a situation like this would viscerally drive me to be closer to them, not to step further back and become more distant and less accessible.