AIBU for telling my daughter that I won't attend her wedding?

[GladCat]

Hi, I'm going to keep it short. My daughter is 27 years old and has been living in the UAE for a few years now. She works as an English teacher and the pay + benefits there are great. She's a very sociable person so she has a large circle of friends there, surprisingly made up of mostly natives (Emiratis). It was through one of these female Emirati friends that she was introduced to her now fiancé. They're getting married in January 2025. Even though we met the man and he seems like a good one, there's just one tiny problem: he already has a wife and 2 kids. My husband and I are aware that in Islam men are permitted to have up to 4 wives (and apparently the fiancé's wife is cool with this since it's common throughout their social class), but we're still very uncomfortable with the practice 'cause it feels archaic (and frankly oppressive) to us. We told our daughter that she can do whatever she wants as a grown woman and we'll always want her to be happy, but we don't condone dynamics like this and don't wish to attend the wedding events. She's obviously quite pissed at us. AIBU?

Blimey. I think I’d try and talk Dd out of it but at the end of the day I’d probably go, if only to show support for dd and be there for the future fallout.

is the man going to live with her, or the current wife or somewhere else? And is there going to be wife number 3? 4? Will be marriage be legally recognised in the UK? All sounds awful tbh

This is what I was going to stress. I grew up in in the ME, two British friends married Omanis, one took a second wife after the first marriage. Both ended badly, one friend is back in the UK without her kids because she can't get them back and her visa was cancelled.

I would go. She presumably knows you don't approve? Don't ruin her day. If you love her, don't stamp your foot at this. Smile and nod. If you turn your back on her now, you'll ruin your relationship with her. And what if she has a baby? You'll ignore it, or want to start playing happy families? Go to the wedding, and be inside the tent, pissing out, so to speak.

I wouldn't go and be a hypocrite. People who attend weddings are supposed to be supportive of the bride and groom. I'd tell her why. He's a married man and it won't be a legal wedding. I'd also tell her I love her and there will always be a home for her with me if she needs it.

I'd advise her not to have DC with this man either because she won't be able to bring them out of the country if this affair goes wrong.

And you wouldn’t want to go, meet her husband to be, sniff out the lie of the land, ask questions?

If ever she’s needed you to have her back it’s now. If you don’t go you’re telling her loud and clear that she’s on her own now. Do you really want to do that?

It’s an entirely legal wedding in the UAE, though. As when my gay friends married in the UK but it was not recognised in their home country.

The point about the Emirati first wife always taking priority is a good one. But I doubt your DD would listen if you tried to talk to her. Is there anyone (family member?) who could talk to her through her rose-coloured wedding haze and discuss with the drawbacks?

I'd let her know you'll be there for her wen it all goes tits up but I wouldn't attend the wedding.

Good advice and unless you want to isolate your daughter go to the wedding. Our kids need us even more when the making bad choices.

If you're worried this will end badly it's even more important to be there showing your daughter she has your support. She needs to know you're not judging her and she can count on you no matter what, otherwise when she needs you she'll be less likely to reach out for that help. You think she's making a bad choice and that's the worst time to create a gulf between you. You won't stop her doing this, all you'll do is start a process of isolating her and making her not want to tell you the truth if it's a spectacular fuck up because she doesn't want the judgement.

Going to a wedding where you don't support the marriage is not being a hypercrit if it is to support your child in a situation you judge her to be vulnerable. Do you genuinely think that your morality of only going to a wedding where you are completely supportive of the marriage, is more important than keeping communication open with you daughter in this situation?

I used to live in the UAE, and it’s a bit more complex than that. Among those men rich enough to practice polygamy (and it’s a declining practice, certainly among Emiratis https://www.khaleejtimes.com/uae/70-of-polygamists-in-4-emirates-are-non-emiratis), there is often family pressure to marry an Emirati first, often a cousin. The second wife is more likely to be foreign, and a personal choice. That sets up its own problematic dynamic, but a second wife used to thinking of herself as her husband’s ‘real’ choice, is even less prepared for subsequent wives. She’s supposed to be consulted, but of course in practice she’s already agreed to polygamy in marrying him as a second wife…)

Im a bit surprised a teacher has so many Emirati friends — I’m assuming she doesn’t live in Dubai or Abu Dhabi, maybe Al Ain? When I lived there, neither DH nor I made a single Emirati friend.

OP, one thing should make your DD aware of is that FGM is quite widely practised, despite being illegal in government clinics, in the UAE.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10049077/

I knew of a hideous case when I lived in Dubai where a Texan woman living (I think) in Fujairah who had divorced an Emirati found that her young daughter had had FGM done to her while spending a weekend with her father. It’s likely to be a glossy clinic with a qualified doctor rather than a wise woman in a tent, but I’m not sure than makes it less horrifying.

what a bizarre standpoint.

You are being v unreasonable - she needs to know you have her back no matter what.

Your actions by not going are showing anything but.

If the marriage is successful you can rule out any kind of relationship with your daughter or grandchildren if you die on this hill.

Go to the wedding if only to show the family that she is marrying in to that she has family support.

Honestly, if this is real, go.

Suck up your morals and make sure that you're there for her.
If this goes wrong she's going to need your support, especially if she ends up with children who she loses to the husband etc.

Very difficult situation to be in OP.

It sounds like your daughter is getting herself in a messy situation.

Like you I could never find it appropriate for a man to have two wives and it will bring her a lot of issues as well if she has kids with this man. If this all goes sour, she will find it tricky to bring her kids back to the UK.

I would go though because you don't want her to slowly isolate herself from you and be under the influence of her husband and in-laws without your side of the family being there to provide balance.

Will it all go wrong? very likely but you want to be there to support her when it does so keep the relationship going.

Yes. Before the wedding

Didn’t know FGM is widely practiced in the UAE!!!!!

I'd go to the wedding. I'd want her to feel she could approach me at any time with any concerns, and so I'd hide any tension over it from her. I'd also want to get to know the family she was marrying into - all the men and the immediate women. Get introduced to them on first name terms.

The more concerned you are for your adult child's wellbeing, the more important it is to keep them close and keep communication open. Don;t drive her into the arms of a family who don't share your commitment to her wellbeing.

I agree and wouldn't support it. I would tell her that when it does go bad and it definitely will, she will always be welcome but for now she can make her choices and take full responsibility for that. Stupid, stupid woman.

i agree with get out there now.

There are some excellent / alarming points on here which you need to discuss with her.

• FGM for daughters
• children remaining in UAE / having to leave your children
• Rights around divorce
• Her husband taking more wives
• wife hierarchy

I didnt say I wouldn't do all of those things, the wedding is not where you meet your son in law for the first time and ask questions. Doesn't mean I'd need to show my approval of their marriage.

This woman is 27 years old!

She is making a horrible choice - why should the OP show 'support'?

Absolutely I would be there if it went wrong and she would be welcome home with open arms but I wouldn't be saying or showing that I agreed with ANY of it. I would go before the wedding, meet him and lay out my concerns to my daughter (assuming I got the chance) and letting her know I'd be there if it went wrong. But I would not be plastering on a smile on the day and posing for happy family photos

I think this is really difficult. I completely agree with you about the marriage being a terrible idea and you going “normalising” it, but I’d worry that if you don’t go to the wedding she (or he) might not have you in the house afterwards which would mean that in reality the support you’d be able to offer would be very limited. And she might need you if this all goes tits up. So on that basis I would probably go but make it clear to get at least that it’s for her alone.

The other thing is have you chatted to her about what would happen if she gets pregnant and has the baby there? I don’t know the details but would she have any rights to the child? She should research clearly what might happen if she wants to visit you (without his consent) or if she wants to leave him- personally I’d be having any kids in the UK if it comes to that.