AIBU for telling my daughter that I won't attend her wedding?

[GladCat]

Hi, I'm going to keep it short. My daughter is 27 years old and has been living in the UAE for a few years now. She works as an English teacher and the pay + benefits there are great. She's a very sociable person so she has a large circle of friends there, surprisingly made up of mostly natives (Emiratis). It was through one of these female Emirati friends that she was introduced to her now fiancé. They're getting married in January 2025. Even though we met the man and he seems like a good one, there's just one tiny problem: he already has a wife and 2 kids. My husband and I are aware that in Islam men are permitted to have up to 4 wives (and apparently the fiancé's wife is cool with this since it's common throughout their social class), but we're still very uncomfortable with the practice 'cause it feels archaic (and frankly oppressive) to us. We told our daughter that she can do whatever she wants as a grown woman and we'll always want her to be happy, but we don't condone dynamics like this and don't wish to attend the wedding events. She's obviously quite pissed at us. AIBU?

Your daughter is joining a harem? Is this for real?

Yep

I’d keep close to her and advise her to have children after a few years. See how it feels, before bringing children into this.

I'd be absolutely sickened at my daughters lack of morals for wanting to live there and embrace their culture so would have no problem at not going to her wedding and I'd cut her out of my will.

petitions.ituc-csi.org/end-slavery-uae

If she has children there it won’t be straightforward to come home. In that case OP I would go to the wedding. You absolutely can backtrack and say that you’ve thought about it, you still disagree with the concept but you love her and are always there for her. You have her interests at heart and want her to understand your concerns (and tell her what they are, this is her whole future). Don’t get me wrong I would be appalled if my DD made this choice. But I wouldn’t want to alienate her further.

I’d be very concerned for her welfare! Has she been groomed by this man?
She sounds vulnerable if she’s agreeing to this and has no concerns? She’s happy for him to bed hop between her and his other wife. Plus possible 2 other future wives?!….. I’d be asking her these questions and planting seeds of thought in her mind…. Once she has kids
with him she’ll be trapped out there… he won’t condone her to take them anywhere so she’ll be unable to leave unless she leaves her children behind.

very sad.

To add to my earlier post, you can say that you were shocked but you want to support her. And be curious and interested rather interrogatory about the arrangements-
Ask about the wedding (what events she will be involved in, dress code etc. Aask about how married life will work, will she convert, will she still work, what happens with holidays/travel, festivals, will she still be able to come and visit you, will you be able to go and visit her. What happens about children, what happens about money, what happens if he wants to take another wife.

Obviously you don't ask them all at once

I understand your views, it wouldn't sit well with me either but I would attend because I would want her to know I always had her back, no matter what.

it’s so easy to wave your high morals when it’s a hypothetical situation, isn’t it?

Basically she is the "other woman" coming from her own culture's perspective.
I would be very disappointed if one of my daughters were in that position.

What a dilemma for you.
I have no answer.
What would happen if her marriage goes belly up and there are children involved or if he decides to take wife No. 3 ?

Wow hope you’re not a parent!

I have said YABU because this will turn out very badly for her and she needs to know you will support her when it all blows up.

I find it very odd that the first wife is 'cool' with it all. Has your daughter met her? even in the social classes you speak of, it is very unusual for a man to have the consent of his first wife before marrying someone else, particularly if that person isn't from the same culture.

In all honesty, as a parent I'd expect you to be front and centre in her life going forward, be at the wedding even though you don't support the marriage, you need to be there to see what is going on; your daughter is likely blinded by the situation and not seeing things for what they actually are.

I'm in this camp.

Imagine she has last minute cold feet but you arent there to tell her she can call the wedding off and it will all be okay?

My first instinct would be to not want to go, but ultimately I know I would go. Not just to maintain a good relationship with my child, but also to be able to gauge the situation at first hand. I definitely wouldn't be happy about it and would see it as an oncoming and unavoidable car crash, but she's 27 and it's her life. As others have said, being there to help pick up the pieces is your eventual role in this. Or maybe all will be wonderful. I just don't see it though.

By going you are not approving anything she is an adult and is making her choice. As difficult as those choices may be.By going you are saying I am here ready to support you.

I don't agree with the practice either but my concern would be if she has children as I understand the law differs considerably.

The first wife will be cool with it in the sense that she knows the deal. She will be Emirati. As first wife she has primary wife status and as an Emirati she has superiority. She will also know that OP may be flavour of the month but one day the husband will focus his attentions elsewhere and take another wife, but she will still always be the primary wife.

I wouldn’t go

I would question whether she is happy. She must be desperately in love if she is prepared to be with him on these terms and it’s unlikely she will be happy knowing he’s away shagging his first wife. And what happens if he gets a third wife?

OP go to the wedding and support her. She will need it.

I get your instincts are to not support it and I think most would feel the same but I think I would still go. Not to support it but so your daughter doesn't dig her heels in if it all goes wrong and knows she has your support even if you don't support her marriage

I’d go, OP, and stick very close between now and the wedding, for all the reasons other people have mentioned.

Actually you need to go now and get the lie of the land. Meet him and his family. Grin and bear it January is a long way off. I think that you need to support your daughter as it's quite possible that this will end up in tears.

The daughter has been living and working there for a while so that ship has sailed.

Do you have anything in your house that was made in China?

How does all of this work in practice?

Do they all live together in one house? All the wives, children and husband?

Do they have separate homes and he moves between them as suits him? Or by agreement with them? Might she not see him for several weeks at a time? Presumably he can do as he pleases in trrms of where he sprnds his time?

Sexually, are they separate relationships?

What is the legal status of your daughter's earnings? Are they hers or do they go into a common pot that is used to support his other wife/wives?

What will happen if they divorce? Are his other financial commitments taken into consideration?

How will she feel if he chooses to have another two wives and children?

Is he very wealthy?

I assume the marriage is not recognised in this country as it is bigamous?

I'd be horrified, but I would go. I'd also visit soon in order to meet him, and to talk with my daughter about the implications. Just to ensure that she understands how the land will lie if she has children.

I wouldn't go either. But as long as she always knows she's welcome home if things don't work out. For all the people saying you need to go or she will feel like she's not welcome home, it's 2 totally different things.