Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

[Dancehalldarling]

I’m in a lesbian relationship just so we’re clear on genders.

My girlfriend is so overly attentive that it’s really really starting to grate on me but I don’t know if I’m just being a bit of a cow.

examples:

• driving in my car I turn my air con up 2 degrees from the coldest. She leans forward and says are you cold with a concerned look and goes to adjust the air con again. There’s always just that little extra of whatever so she’s done something to help. I said no leave it. She then said do you want to turn the aircon off? I said no I’m fine. She said do you want my jacket? GAH!!!!
• out shopping (regularly) she will INSIST on carrying my bags. When I say no she relentlessly asks me to give them to her and it gets so annoying. Sometimes I want to carry my own bags! If I put them down for example to Pay she will pick them up and not give me them back.
• at the cinema she asks if I’m cold, I say no, I’m quite fine, she’ll take her coat off and put it over me.
• constantly paws at me and I mean CONSTANTLY has to be holding hands whether it’s driving, walking, sitting on the sofa, at dinner. It’s not just holding hands she holds my hand with one hand and caresses my arms and hands with her other hand. If she’s not doing this she’s stroking my hair or rubbing my head/neck/shoulders/tickling my arm or face.
• If I’ve asked her to do a task for example could you please grab my keys while I look for my phone, she’ll grab the keys (along with everything else I’m carrying) and then as soon as I mention I’m going to grab my phone she’ll put down what she has and start frantically joining me in looking for my phone. This is a small example but what I’m trying to say is if she’s doing something and notices I’m on a different task she will drop what she’s doing and join me 100%. Cleaning, getting dressed, whatever.
• always asks if I’ve ate, what I’ve ate, when I’ve ate. Sometimes I lie and say yes when I actually haven’t because I can’t be arsed with “why?” “I’ll Uber you food now what do you want?” “You need to eat” “make sure you eat please”
• we don’t live together but if she hears I’m doing something like painting a room she insists on coming round and doing it for me, tells me to just sit down and rest. Sometimes I just want to get things done?
• has to see me every day and kind of sulks if she doesn’t. Which is a real PITA sometimes as I have DC and don’t live overly close to her (D.C. not officially met her yet) So often I’m going out my way to call in before or after work, after school run, when DC are with their dad. Every day! This week she has sulked because she’s “hardly seen me” when I’ve seen her every day just not for as long.
• she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them which is very rare. My best friend doesn’t like her for a separate reason but this also plays on my mind.

I’ve gotten irritated a few times and told her I’m not made of bloody glass and can she please stop treating me like an infant. She gets the hump and says she’s just trying to care for me. But I find it really suffocating and a bit controlling! AIBU?

That sounds smothering and controlling.

This sounds like too much, personally it wouldn’t be for me

I couldn’t cope with that level of Intense.

Yes, smothering. The 'having to see you every day or she sulks' part is the most red flaggy. Her 'needs' are over-riding yours and she is crossing your boundaries.

That would seriously give me the ick. It's too much.

I do see my boyfriend most days he usually comes over for dinner or I go to his if DC are out. However we both want to and it's definitely not an issue if we want a night to ourselves or to see friends.

Life is too short to not do what you want to.

Yes exactly

Personally I couldn’t deal with someone being so intense about things.

Wow me and my husband are quite tactical and he wants to help all the time, but accepts when i say i can manage

that would drive me fucking mental.

Yes I do feel it’s intense. I may be having second thoughts about the relationship which is making me see it a little differently perhaps? It’s been way more intense than this at times over the period we’ve been dating but it didn’t bother me as much

Dump and run for the hills and I'd advise the same if she was an opposite sex partner as well.

Another one is when we go out to eat and I’m finished she’ll take my plate away from In front of me and start cleaning my area of the table “so I don’t put my arms in any mess” which really annoys me.

or if I drop anything on myself she runs to get wet wipes and cleans it for me

Sounds like this relationship has run its course.

A lot of serious red flags here including:
-doesn't take no for an answer
-interferes in your eating
-has to see you every day
-sulks
-doesn't like you seeing friends

This needs a serious think.

Why doesn't your friend like her?

Talk to her and let her know how her behaviour makes you feel. Her response will likely be revealing.
Also get the house painted before you dump her.

she’ll take her coat off and put it over me.

Oh God my MIL was always putting things on me- she's ask of I was cold and I'd say no then next thing she's physically grabbed me and is wrapping a scarf round me or something. I am not at all a violent person but it used to make me want to retaliate physically (obviously I never did)- that awful physical trampling of boundaries.

This would really annoy me, OP.

😂😂😂😂 this did make me LOL

ive mentioned it to her before I.e gently joking saying I’m not made of glass let me do things alone and her response is “but you are because you’re my princess and I don’t want you to struggle”. I realise how nausea inducing that is to type out!

She sounds like she’s mothering a toddler rather than an adult in an equal relationship!

Time to stop gently joking about it and be firm.

Although realistically you don't sound compatible at all and I doubt that will change. It sounds like she wants to be a carer rather than an equal partner.

Shame she's a lesbian really as if MN relationship posts are anything to go by so many men would leap at the chance to be with a woman who will treat them like her child rather than her partner

I wonder why she is mothering you so much - do you have a disability or illness? Insisting you must rest, must eat, don't very messy... It's very patronising and to be charitable, I'd suggest she's bff overly caring if you do indeed have an illness but it still sounds incredibly annoying and patronising and "ick".

I'd be throwing her back sharpish, she's treating you like a baby. How annoying to have someone telling you when you're cold and hungry as if you can't think for yourself. You're not a doll for her to mother.

No nothing. I’m a healthy mother of 2 with several successful businesses 😂 perfectly capable of looking after myself. I have adhd but so does she!

she comes from a wealthy family but has had a very difficult teen-adult life. History of abusive relationships so I do try to be gentle with her so as not to upset her.

she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them which is very rare.

Already starting to drive a wedge between you and your friends, it’s a worrying sign of things to come. She’ll soon start with the “why do you want to see them when you’ve got me” and sulks of “you mustn’t love me if you choose to spend time with them not me”.

Run away now.

The constant pawing would turn me right off, but this is a big red flag OP

"she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them which is very rare."

Controlling and jealous.

Be very very careful and do not under any circumstances give in to sulking.

Suffocating. I couldn't bear it. It would give me the creeps.

My experience of people like this is that they eventually turn resentful and nasty because you can never - and why should you? - give them back the same level of intensity that they feel they deserve.

Oh no that's just weird do not let this woman move in with you, it just sounds too much.