Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

[Dancehalldarling]

I’m in a lesbian relationship just so we’re clear on genders.

My girlfriend is so overly attentive that it’s really really starting to grate on me but I don’t know if I’m just being a bit of a cow.

examples:

• driving in my car I turn my air con up 2 degrees from the coldest. She leans forward and says are you cold with a concerned look and goes to adjust the air con again. There’s always just that little extra of whatever so she’s done something to help. I said no leave it. She then said do you want to turn the aircon off? I said no I’m fine. She said do you want my jacket? GAH!!!!
• out shopping (regularly) she will INSIST on carrying my bags. When I say no she relentlessly asks me to give them to her and it gets so annoying. Sometimes I want to carry my own bags! If I put them down for example to Pay she will pick them up and not give me them back.
• at the cinema she asks if I’m cold, I say no, I’m quite fine, she’ll take her coat off and put it over me.
• constantly paws at me and I mean CONSTANTLY has to be holding hands whether it’s driving, walking, sitting on the sofa, at dinner. It’s not just holding hands she holds my hand with one hand and caresses my arms and hands with her other hand. If she’s not doing this she’s stroking my hair or rubbing my head/neck/shoulders/tickling my arm or face.
• If I’ve asked her to do a task for example could you please grab my keys while I look for my phone, she’ll grab the keys (along with everything else I’m carrying) and then as soon as I mention I’m going to grab my phone she’ll put down what she has and start frantically joining me in looking for my phone. This is a small example but what I’m trying to say is if she’s doing something and notices I’m on a different task she will drop what she’s doing and join me 100%. Cleaning, getting dressed, whatever.
• always asks if I’ve ate, what I’ve ate, when I’ve ate. Sometimes I lie and say yes when I actually haven’t because I can’t be arsed with “why?” “I’ll Uber you food now what do you want?” “You need to eat” “make sure you eat please”
• we don’t live together but if she hears I’m doing something like painting a room she insists on coming round and doing it for me, tells me to just sit down and rest. Sometimes I just want to get things done?
• has to see me every day and kind of sulks if she doesn’t. Which is a real PITA sometimes as I have DC and don’t live overly close to her (D.C. not officially met her yet) So often I’m going out my way to call in before or after work, after school run, when DC are with their dad. Every day! This week she has sulked because she’s “hardly seen me” when I’ve seen her every day just not for as long.
• she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them which is very rare. My best friend doesn’t like her for a separate reason but this also plays on my mind.

I’ve gotten irritated a few times and told her I’m not made of bloody glass and can she please stop treating me like an infant. She gets the hump and says she’s just trying to care for me. But I find it really suffocating and a bit controlling! AIBU?

Of course not you might be enabling her or putting up with it because of x y z but definitely not abusive, don't get caught in that cycle.

It sounds like she can’t see you as different people and she’s not yet learned how to truly nurture herself or others (understandable if she’s experienced a lot of abuse and neglect). Truly nurturing one another and yourself means being able to have healthy boundaries and to give an appropriate amount of attention.

She seems to equate love to being entitled to someone else’s person, to own them in a way and to be inseparable to the point of extreme codependency. She also seems to be acting out parenting on you maybe in a way she never experienced because she acts as though you’re a needy toddler.

Im sure she does mean well but the sulking, the controlling, the constant need for reassurance and validation to the point of suffocation is harmful for you both.

Whether you’ve accidentally fed into this by showering her with affection and attention because of her past or not or whether she’s encouraged this dynamic by over giving to you - it’s not healthy. It’s draining you and is not a balanced situation.

She’s had a bad past but what does she do to take actual responsibility for her emotional well-being? Doesn’t sound like she’s done therapy and her solution is to essentially use you as her comfort blanket at all times - and the over doing for you is part of that - she knows you don’t need it, she knows you don’t want it but objects to your objections - because this is not about being there for you it’s about fulfilling her own needs.

I doubt this is fixable honestly while with her as it’s so extreme.

Insightful post. I wonder if she had to treat a parent like this? I think she probably needs help from a professional. Sadly she may well be doing this to "keep you" but the effect will eventually be the exact opposite. But as @misskatamari saus, she is so deep into her weird understanding of relationships that your actual needs and desires are completely invisible (and irrelevant) to her.

Back away now. You're already lying to her to get her to back off, walking on eggshells.
The last 2 bullets in your OP are definitely worrying. The others sound irritating as fuck.

Do you want the rest of your life to look like this? If not, leave now before it gets more difficult.

Prepare for histrionics when you do dump her - don't fall for it.

I don’t know how you’re coping with that. I really don’t.

we were out at the weekend and watched this couple. He couldn’t stop touching her, stroking her back, hands om Lower back. Holding her hand, arm around her neck. And we all commented on it, that it was absolutely suffocating and we didn’t know how she was putting up with it. Even when she went to the bar, he walked with her with his arm around her.

her behaviour is controlling under the guise of care. I personally think uou need to get out now. End it. This isn’t going to get better, it will only get worse.

This is very insightful. It is definitely becoming co-dependacy. As mentioned upthread, I feel bad if I’m doing something or going somewhere without her due to sulking. Whereas if one of her friends asks her to do something or go somewhere, she’ll tell me she’s told them no because that’s “our thing” or “me and you want to go there”

To clarify I obviously don’t care if she does something with a friend that I want to do! I’d actually feel quite relieved

Oh OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would feel like my life wasn't my own. If you can't do things with other people, for fear of upsetting her, you're not free, you're already tied in to what she expects from you.
There seems to be too much going on here, to have to start pulling her up on each time. Is the relationship really worth it? Because, to be totally truthful, if it's like this now and you don't live together, then it's going to be a whole lot worse if you do.
I think you need to firmly tell her you need a break, that you know she cares for you, but that it's all becoming too much and you feel smothered. Once there is a bit of distance, you can gradually lessen contact if that's what you want. By the sound of it, she isn't the sort to take no for an answer, so be prepared for the constant calling and messaging.
You need to be on an equal footing with a partner and this relationship is never going to get to that stage, she is displaying too many of these controlling traits to change overnight. Ultimately, she's trying to get you all to herself, just you and her.
So it's now a case of a) stay in the relationship and have to constantly pull her up on the things you've listed (which will be exhausting!) or b) tell her you need a break, then gradually untangle yourself from her.
I know what I'd chose, the freedom to do what I wanted without fear of upsetting a partner!
It peaked my interest when you said another friend didn't like her, but for a different reason... Does it truly have nothing to do with how she is with you?
Sending hugs and strength to you 🤗

Yes, agree with this.

And does sound like she is cultivating a ‘codependent’ situation.

Of course not. Women are quite capable of being like this. It doesn't have to be a man.

Just reading this has stressed me out, so how you are putting up with it is mad...

She has zero respect for you or you boundaries. One word....RUN!

If you're having second thoughts then end it.

Omg I feel suffocated just reading about it let alone living it. YANBU, you're not a bloody child! I'd be out of there quicksmart.

If I say I’m not in the mood for all this she takes offence and says her love language is physical touch so feels she needs to be always touching me

This slightly made my blood run cold. The very thought of someone refusing to ever let me have my personal space makes me physically shudder.

And it’s not not ‘love language’ to be constantly touching someone against their will. It’s control and domination.

Not sure how long you've been in a relationship together but she acts like your DM or over zealous lovebombing new lover, not your GF, and that'd truly give me the ick too as to me needy feels desperate. Has she had many relationships before? She sounds more keen on you than you are of her (you don't mention that you love her?) and shes trying to control you by smothering you with kindness. Unequal partnerships are tricky to navigate until you reach a mutual understanding as the person who cares the least holds the power.
You are separate adult people and you have the parenting of DCs to consider so maybe your past being fussed over yourself as your default is to do that for your DC? Time to sit down together and talk about how you see your future together and how her behaviour is making you claustrophobic.

First of all, you are very naive if you think only men can behave like this.

Secondly, when it’s combined with constant unwanted touching, sulking without daily contact and trying to isolate you from your friends, it’s not just them ‘wanting to take care of you’. Sometimes things that are OK in isolation are massive red flags within a bigger picture.

Oops. I think I accidentally clicked the wrong vote. Just know one of those is meant to be a BIG YANBU.

she is mothering you; it’s got controlling energy for sure.
she’s maybe an anxious attachment , or severely codependent - I’m not qualified to label - but whatever it is, the base of it is control. Control so she can feel safe and valuable and needed.

when this kind of thing intensifies, people have even been known to encourage illnesses in their loved ones.

your gut isn’t steering you wrong, here: this behavior isn’t healthy. She’s not allowing you independence.

the major red flag for me is her issues with your friends. Just NO! Truly awful - to say “they’re not good who hun for you.” WTF?!

massive red flags.

im sorry, OP. She needs therapy , and you’re not the one who can be the therapist.

just yuck - even one of these things would have me out the door, let alone all of them.

my ex (ok a man, but still) wanted me to be weak and dependent, so he could feel strong and feel needed and heroic, etc.
the whole not letting you carry your own bags is what reminded me. I never once opened a door during four years with this dude. He wouldn’t allow it.

sounds nice, maybe ? Chivalrous or something? It isn’t. It has the effect of turning a person into a doll, into someone who feels smaller; I gradually, over the years, lost my courage when I was with him.

this just seems like it’s only going to get worse. Whether she has good intentions or not - she can’t smother you like this and hope to have a healthy adult relationship.

It probably comes from a place of insecurity and wanting you to need her, so she feels you won't leave but its toxic. I would suggest you end it and she clearly needs some therapy but she may not accept the suggestion.

*good enough for you,
I had some ugly typos in my post 🫣

The poor girl's in love with you!

It’s like she is treating you and the relationship as ideally what she thinks and want it to be, rather than seeing YOU for who you are and want you want eg thinking you may struggle when you don’t.

I would end this tbh. You need a more mature relationship that also lets you have independence.

Update: since starting this thread she has sent me 14 messages. 3 of which I’ve replied to. The last one me saying I’m feeling a bit down and I can’t really be bothered constantly texting. She’s replied saying I’m pushing her away, she’s worried about me, she’s here for me, I’m the most beautiful person she’s ever laid eyes on, she’s so proud of the person I am, I have her and her families support always, she feels helpless that she can’t help me or “take it all away”

im not sure what to reply

I’m in love with her too, but I am starting to recognise very unhealthy patterns in the relationship. Which, out of love and respect, I want to stop.

The last thing OP needs is more guilt-tripping! Being in love doesn’t give you carte blanche to control someone’s life

And breath…..or maybe she wants to do that for you too….