Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

[Dancehalldarling]

I’m in a lesbian relationship just so we’re clear on genders.

My girlfriend is so overly attentive that it’s really really starting to grate on me but I don’t know if I’m just being a bit of a cow.

examples:

• driving in my car I turn my air con up 2 degrees from the coldest. She leans forward and says are you cold with a concerned look and goes to adjust the air con again. There’s always just that little extra of whatever so she’s done something to help. I said no leave it. She then said do you want to turn the aircon off? I said no I’m fine. She said do you want my jacket? GAH!!!!
• out shopping (regularly) she will INSIST on carrying my bags. When I say no she relentlessly asks me to give them to her and it gets so annoying. Sometimes I want to carry my own bags! If I put them down for example to Pay she will pick them up and not give me them back.
• at the cinema she asks if I’m cold, I say no, I’m quite fine, she’ll take her coat off and put it over me.
• constantly paws at me and I mean CONSTANTLY has to be holding hands whether it’s driving, walking, sitting on the sofa, at dinner. It’s not just holding hands she holds my hand with one hand and caresses my arms and hands with her other hand. If she’s not doing this she’s stroking my hair or rubbing my head/neck/shoulders/tickling my arm or face.
• If I’ve asked her to do a task for example could you please grab my keys while I look for my phone, she’ll grab the keys (along with everything else I’m carrying) and then as soon as I mention I’m going to grab my phone she’ll put down what she has and start frantically joining me in looking for my phone. This is a small example but what I’m trying to say is if she’s doing something and notices I’m on a different task she will drop what she’s doing and join me 100%. Cleaning, getting dressed, whatever.
• always asks if I’ve ate, what I’ve ate, when I’ve ate. Sometimes I lie and say yes when I actually haven’t because I can’t be arsed with “why?” “I’ll Uber you food now what do you want?” “You need to eat” “make sure you eat please”
• we don’t live together but if she hears I’m doing something like painting a room she insists on coming round and doing it for me, tells me to just sit down and rest. Sometimes I just want to get things done?
• has to see me every day and kind of sulks if she doesn’t. Which is a real PITA sometimes as I have DC and don’t live overly close to her (D.C. not officially met her yet) So often I’m going out my way to call in before or after work, after school run, when DC are with their dad. Every day! This week she has sulked because she’s “hardly seen me” when I’ve seen her every day just not for as long.
• she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them which is very rare. My best friend doesn’t like her for a separate reason but this also plays on my mind.

I’ve gotten irritated a few times and told her I’m not made of bloody glass and can she please stop treating me like an infant. She gets the hump and says she’s just trying to care for me. But I find it really suffocating and a bit controlling! AIBU?

Tell that to my friend who was hospitalised by her lesbian partner. And many of us women don't feel a power imbalance with our male partners, thank you.

@therejustbarely

This is why same-sex DA isn't taken as seriously because of the incorrect assumption that there can be no power in-balance, and it is therefore a fair fight aka 'boxing ring' myth. I've worked with gay/bisexual men who have been victims of DA and there are power imbalances which are similar to opposite sex relationships and additional ones, especially when the victim isn't 'out'.

I was feeling sympathetic about the smothering, which I would hate, and then other behaviours from the OP's partner.
I then became incensed by the OP accepting/agreeing with the fact that the partner fell into criminal circles because she lives in south London, as if all three million people in south London are criminals. The OP says she is a professional but she is ignorant or very prejudiced to believe this. There are so many people prejudiced against London and here is prejudice from another Londoner!

Oh dear, I feel for you. I had a boyfriend very much like this, he was very controlling and if I went out with friends he would constantly text me or want to come round when I got home, I went to a wedding reception once and it was in the middle of nowhere and the phone signal was rubbish and because I hadn't received his messages he started texting my daughter! He got the hump at my birthday meal because "I wasn't paying him enough attention" and stormed off and I should have seen the alarm bells then but gave him more chances as I thought he was sweet underneath it all! Another time we went away for the weekend and met at the hotel separately as he lived closer to the hotel than me and I wanted to take my own car just incase! Anyway when I got to the hotel I noticed he had a yellow stain on his shirt & thought a bird had messed on it whilst on the line but he confessed to me he had been lonely & missing me & had the hump so he drank lots if alcohol indoors & tipped his curry over his head! I kid you not!! After various rows & break ups he then threatened suicide if I left him and I didn't want that on my conscience so I managed to break up with him by seeing less and less of him over the period of a year until he met someone else and "dumped me"! Hoorah it worked but it took a while! Now he's with another poor woman !

I think you need to end this relationship, it isn’t good for you, nor potentially your DC.

You really need to talk this through more-probably with the help of a counsellor. What you describe sounds controlling and suffocating-but it may look very different from the other side.

From reading you other comments this sounds like she’s still having trauma from her previous relationships.
Shes doing everything to make you happy as that’s what a last partner expected but now she’s going overboard? I definitely think a gentle but stern conversation and maybe some therapy could help her x

Wow I feel like I could have written this exact post. My husband is exactly the same. He treats me like I'm his child and he says its because I don't have an adult brain yet and maybe when I'm 25 (I'm 24 now) he'll let me have more responsibility

He'll 'let' you have more responsibility? 🚩🚩🚩

Jesus. Please don't waste your one, precious life on such a pompous wanker. Is he much older than you? I assume so, due to his patronising comment. Pretty icky that he sees you as a child yet is content to have sex with and marry you, isn't it?

I think you already know.

I have an ex-husband who needed his hand held constantly, it was caused by insecurity and once he knew I'd never cheat it calmed.

We divorced because he was still a cunt after reassurance

Sounds like codependent personality disorder. Get some advice/support before you talk to her about it.

It's classic co-dependency, it can be part of BPD, but it can exist as a personality disorder of its own.

It seems very much as if she is treating you as a possession, a treasured possession no doubt, but something she owns .nevertheless . This is not a reasonable nor healthy situation for two people to be in and it appears that she is rapidly succeeding in achieving the very thing she purportedly wishes to avoid at all costs , namely losing you.
As a previous responder has suggested this seems more like a parent/ child relationship than an adult one , with you cast in the role of the child ( and you're not are you ?).
This is a suffocating relationship to be in which is ultimately unhealthy for both of you - and I think you realise that otherwise you wouldn't be posting here.
You come across as an intelligent, sensible and successful individual who is more than capable of deciding if you're cold , need to eat or carry your own shopping , have your own friends without Mummy's approval ! Please do yourself a favour and get out now before it's too late for both of you. I appreciate that you do not wish to hurt her because of her abusive history but she will inevitably though unintentionally, hurt you.

I’m also in a lesbian relationship and can relate to some of what you say. Strongly suggest you doing let her move in with you and trust your instincts. I have history of being with partners who are over controlling and it’s so destructive and destabilising. Good luck

vom

Why are you with him?

Jesus wept!

Suffocating

Red flags here. On another note, my best friend and family loved my boyfriend. He is now my husband. He regularly says go and see your pals, while he and our 5 year old have a lad and dad afternoon either playing games or going swimming, and he never smothers me, only wants me to have fun. 😀
Yet it sounds like she wants to be needed maybe? Some people want to feel like they're needed, and cut you off from others, so that they are the focus of your life. Run. She will be jealous of you DC next.

How old is your husband?

Run!

How old is your husband? Why did he marry a woman he doesn't consider to have an adult brain yet?

He is 33, I don't know. I have 2 kids, one of them is his. I met him at work and he just got more and more controlling. I have everything I want and he provides everything including house staff (nanny, cleaner etc). I accept his controlingness when he's around e.g. wearing the clothes he wants me to wear but when he's at work I do what I want... although I got used to asking him permission to go out

You don't suddenly gain an adult brain on your 25th birthday because thats not how maturity works - its a developmental stage that describes potential, and you have handed your potential to another person.