Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

[Dancehalldarling]

I’m in a lesbian relationship just so we’re clear on genders.

My girlfriend is so overly attentive that it’s really really starting to grate on me but I don’t know if I’m just being a bit of a cow.

examples:

• driving in my car I turn my air con up 2 degrees from the coldest. She leans forward and says are you cold with a concerned look and goes to adjust the air con again. There’s always just that little extra of whatever so she’s done something to help. I said no leave it. She then said do you want to turn the aircon off? I said no I’m fine. She said do you want my jacket? GAH!!!!
• out shopping (regularly) she will INSIST on carrying my bags. When I say no she relentlessly asks me to give them to her and it gets so annoying. Sometimes I want to carry my own bags! If I put them down for example to Pay she will pick them up and not give me them back.
• at the cinema she asks if I’m cold, I say no, I’m quite fine, she’ll take her coat off and put it over me.
• constantly paws at me and I mean CONSTANTLY has to be holding hands whether it’s driving, walking, sitting on the sofa, at dinner. It’s not just holding hands she holds my hand with one hand and caresses my arms and hands with her other hand. If she’s not doing this she’s stroking my hair or rubbing my head/neck/shoulders/tickling my arm or face.
• If I’ve asked her to do a task for example could you please grab my keys while I look for my phone, she’ll grab the keys (along with everything else I’m carrying) and then as soon as I mention I’m going to grab my phone she’ll put down what she has and start frantically joining me in looking for my phone. This is a small example but what I’m trying to say is if she’s doing something and notices I’m on a different task she will drop what she’s doing and join me 100%. Cleaning, getting dressed, whatever.
• always asks if I’ve ate, what I’ve ate, when I’ve ate. Sometimes I lie and say yes when I actually haven’t because I can’t be arsed with “why?” “I’ll Uber you food now what do you want?” “You need to eat” “make sure you eat please”
• we don’t live together but if she hears I’m doing something like painting a room she insists on coming round and doing it for me, tells me to just sit down and rest. Sometimes I just want to get things done?
• has to see me every day and kind of sulks if she doesn’t. Which is a real PITA sometimes as I have DC and don’t live overly close to her (D.C. not officially met her yet) So often I’m going out my way to call in before or after work, after school run, when DC are with their dad. Every day! This week she has sulked because she’s “hardly seen me” when I’ve seen her every day just not for as long.
• she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them which is very rare. My best friend doesn’t like her for a separate reason but this also plays on my mind.

I’ve gotten irritated a few times and told her I’m not made of bloody glass and can she please stop treating me like an infant. She gets the hump and says she’s just trying to care for me. But I find it really suffocating and a bit controlling! AIBU?

she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them which is very rare.

A lot of what you've written sounds incredibly annoying. This part is horrible and controlling.

Whatever it is, you've got the ick and that's really hard to come back from.

My room mate at uni was like this - omg I felt like I was 19 going on 4! My first thought was do not have a child with this woman but the further down the post I got I just thought you don't really like her and you need to end it.

The pawing does drive me insane. I get quite overstimulated by that sort of thing. Wherever we are let’s say a queue or at a till waiting to pay she’ll be stroking my hips or back with the back of her hand. If I say I’m not in the mood for all this she takes offence and says her love language is physical touch so feels she needs to be always touching me.

my friends have been a bit crap over the last year (whole other story) but in my opinion nothing that warrants not liking them or I wouldn’t still be friends with them

Yeah bin her off.

To be clear, I do think she has a heart of gold, she makes me laugh, and I am physically attracted to her. I just feel there’s no boundaries in place and she struggles to accept them

her love language is physical touch so feels she needs to be always touching me

So she thinks her needs outweigh your own body autonomy?

She sounds absolutely unbearable.

That's what I thought! She's treating the OP like a child. Partner probably thinks it's cute but in reality and annoying and overbearing.

OP, you must talk to her. She won't be able to undo this behaviour overnight (counselling would help!), but if you want to be with her then things have to change.
Good luck.

Oh Christ Nooooooo I couldn't bear the constant pawing let alone all the other crap!

Her "love language (barf)" is not the same as yours. She's forcing you to comply with hers.

TBH she sounds quite damaged and perhaps that's why she's so intense, controlling and dominant - but it'd be a huge NOPE to carrying on with her from me.

She sounds annoying but things like this are the red flags. You’ve asked not to be touched and she’s using the fake science of “love language” to ignore that. She sounds cloying but some of the things you’ve said are red flags like the comments about your friends. I think if this was a man doing this stuff in an opposite sex relationship the comments would be immediately telling you to leave.

It sounds almost like she's in the fawning trauma response at times. Like she's hypervigilant to other people "not being okay" and is trying to overcompensate and make everything okay to give her a sense of safety. However it's way OTT and she's so wrapped up in that she can't read the actual reality of the situation that her behaviour is doing the opposite.

This doesn't sound like a relationship that is right for you. Her issues are hers to solve, and there are a lot of red flags in her behaviour. It sounds suffocating, and I would definitely be rethinking things.

Her 'love language' might be physical touch but what about yours? The implication is that she has rights over your body over-riding your own because she takes offence if you don't go along with it.
You could sit down and have a serious talk about it all if there any things that you do like about her, would give her the opportunity to change if she can do so.

That would drive me potty. It's infantilising, controlling and far too intense. I'd be totally touched out and over it by now. If you were having second thoughts anyway, I'd take that as a sign and break it off.

I don’t think you are compatible. It sounds like you are getting the ick.

Definitely a lot of food for thought here. Maybe I am actually getting the ick?

i’m wondering if she could be on the spectrum? It would explain a lot of things. Like if we’re watching a movie and something shocking/surprising/frightening happens, she’ll look at me the whole time to see how I react to it. I just pretend I can’t see her from the corner of my eye and she eventually looks away. But other things like she struggles with certain social cues I.e volume of her voice, dressing appropriately for certain events

I would bin her off and explain clearly why. It sounds like she's reacting to her difficult past and overcompensating by trying to make her relationship as "loving" as possible.

If you're really explicit about why you're breaking up with her it just might give her pause for thought in her next relationship. Sad but it's not your problem to solve.

Ugh i hadn't read your latest update before i posted. The constant touching - just no! Complete boundary crossing, especially when you have told her no. The sulking is just an extra red flag. Imagine what people would be saying if this was a male partner doing this to you! I would definitely end this. If she's ignoring boundaries like this now, and won't engage in discussion about it, and instead sulks and makes you the "bad guy", this isn't going to improve.

maybe this nails it

Sounds like you've got the ick to me.

Massive red flags. Whatever you do, do NOT move in with her.

Although it’s in the guise of being ‘nice’, the behaviour is controlling and she does not respect your boundaries or have a healthy sense of separation between the two of you as autonomous individuals.

If you ever end up living together (please do not ever let this happen) it would be a long, long road getting your life back again. You could end up trapped in a situation you don’t want for years. She would sap your mental strength and wear down your sense of self. Again, please please do not ever move in with her.

This has really really just hit home with me. Wow.
when you mention sense of self, I feel I’ve already lost it. I want to book a holiday somewhere with my friends but feel like it will upset her because it’s somewhere she wants to go.

I want to get a pet but feel I can’t because we talked about getting a pet when we moved in (this isn’t going to be happening) and it’ll really upset her.

I want to plan things with other people but again feel she’ll get upset I’m making time for multiple other people and not her.

I feel quite sick now actually, I’ve never ever looked at it this way before. I mean I can’t say for sure she’s going to get upset this could be me making assumptions but I would imagine so.

Ugh. Sounds unbearable, being lovebombed like that - and I reckon that there could be a huge reaction to punish/guilt you if you dump her. I'm thinking either 'I'm in hospital/dying/going to end it all' or conversely, full on angry stalker.

I wonder whether she's actually that nice once she's got comfortable in a relationship - you have kids, a car, good income and a home, making you a good prospect - if she can convince you that you need her and persuade you to dump your friends, I'm not so sure it would be fussing as much as 'ah, you'd be lost without me, wouldn't you? Oh look, you're trying to cook, you do try, don't you' interspersed with rage.

The most fussing bloke I knew was absolutely abusive once he felt secure. Just in a sneaky, not openly violent, way until he realised he wasn't as much of a fixture as he thought he was. And the histrionics when he was dumped were a sight to behold.