Am I being an arse or is this controlling!?

[Dancehalldarling]

I’m in a lesbian relationship just so we’re clear on genders.

My girlfriend is so overly attentive that it’s really really starting to grate on me but I don’t know if I’m just being a bit of a cow.

examples:

• driving in my car I turn my air con up 2 degrees from the coldest. She leans forward and says are you cold with a concerned look and goes to adjust the air con again. There’s always just that little extra of whatever so she’s done something to help. I said no leave it. She then said do you want to turn the aircon off? I said no I’m fine. She said do you want my jacket? GAH!!!!
• out shopping (regularly) she will INSIST on carrying my bags. When I say no she relentlessly asks me to give them to her and it gets so annoying. Sometimes I want to carry my own bags! If I put them down for example to Pay she will pick them up and not give me them back.
• at the cinema she asks if I’m cold, I say no, I’m quite fine, she’ll take her coat off and put it over me.
• constantly paws at me and I mean CONSTANTLY has to be holding hands whether it’s driving, walking, sitting on the sofa, at dinner. It’s not just holding hands she holds my hand with one hand and caresses my arms and hands with her other hand. If she’s not doing this she’s stroking my hair or rubbing my head/neck/shoulders/tickling my arm or face.
• If I’ve asked her to do a task for example could you please grab my keys while I look for my phone, she’ll grab the keys (along with everything else I’m carrying) and then as soon as I mention I’m going to grab my phone she’ll put down what she has and start frantically joining me in looking for my phone. This is a small example but what I’m trying to say is if she’s doing something and notices I’m on a different task she will drop what she’s doing and join me 100%. Cleaning, getting dressed, whatever.
• always asks if I’ve ate, what I’ve ate, when I’ve ate. Sometimes I lie and say yes when I actually haven’t because I can’t be arsed with “why?” “I’ll Uber you food now what do you want?” “You need to eat” “make sure you eat please”
• we don’t live together but if she hears I’m doing something like painting a room she insists on coming round and doing it for me, tells me to just sit down and rest. Sometimes I just want to get things done?
• has to see me every day and kind of sulks if she doesn’t. Which is a real PITA sometimes as I have DC and don’t live overly close to her (D.C. not officially met her yet) So often I’m going out my way to call in before or after work, after school run, when DC are with their dad. Every day! This week she has sulked because she’s “hardly seen me” when I’ve seen her every day just not for as long.
• she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them which is very rare. My best friend doesn’t like her for a separate reason but this also plays on my mind.

I’ve gotten irritated a few times and told her I’m not made of bloody glass and can she please stop treating me like an infant. She gets the hump and says she’s just trying to care for me. But I find it really suffocating and a bit controlling! AIBU?

Oh and yes, this.

she doesn’t like any of my friends and thinks I’m too good for them. She’s not a fan of me going out with them which is very rare. My best friend doesn’t like her for a separate reason but this also plays on my mind.

This is enough of a red flag by itself for me.

She is starting the process of isolating you from your friends; after she's been successful with that she'll start on family.

Once you're isolated, the controlling behaviour will escalate.

I would be walking away from this relationship.

Wow I’m so blown away by these messages I actually feel quite emotional. I can’t believe how blind I’ve been to some of this stuff. As cliche as it sounds I never for a minute thought I’d be in this situation.

as I’m writing I’m thinking of all the other things that are actually really emotionally manipulative. Such as when I’ve tried to break it off in the past (due to DC and not being ready to move on with someone new) she’s sent me streams of pictures of her absolutely crying her eyes out, and they frighten me because she looks unwell. She regularly sends me pictures crying herself to sleep. Last time I firmly told her to stop and she did to be fair.

if I do say I’m going out with friends, she conveniently then makes plans with her friends (who she admittedly doesn’t really like enough to socialise with, or socialising in general) but the plans always seem to fall through because she can’t be bothered going out.

I don’t want to seem like I’m bashing her because she really is such a sweet person and she has loved me in every way possible, I do very much love her, but I’m shocked at how differently I’m seeing this now.

she’s sent me streams of pictures of her absolutely crying her eyes out, and they frighten me because she looks unwell. She regularly sends me pictures crying herself to sleep.

This is utterly nuts. I actually feel physically quite tense just reading this

Everything she is doing 'for' you, is actually something she is doing for herself, her own needs and wants. She's being very selfish, however she sees it.

This sounds like a nightmare way to live, being smothered and your own needs dismissed.

Whatever is causing her to be like this, she needs to recognise it's not normal or going to result in a healthy and happy relationship, and get some help. It's not your responsibility to fix her, and it doesn't sound as though she's able to understand or accept she has issues anyway.

I would walk away, kindly, but firmly.

I know you love her so it's easier said than done, but think about what the rest of your life with her will be like. A great phrase I heard recently is ' just because it's sad, doesn't mean it's wrong'

My love language at this point would be ‘give me some fucking space’

Reply, that’s ok, thinking time is good for me, I’m going to turn my phone off for the night now. Speak tomorrow x

As cliche as it sounds I never for a minute thought I’d be in this situation.

I think people like this are actually drawn to quite confident, independent people. It’s quite insidious – very much a boiling frog syndrome. You think you’re making concessions of your own free will to be kind, and that you’re in control because you’re the less needy one. Then before you know it your life is small and isolated and revolves around that person.

I’m finding I’m actually panicking if I’ve got a lot on some days so will struggle to see her, it’s the expectation that we see each other every day. So I end up skipping things I need to do for myself just to make time to see her.

The sulking and friends thing is controlling. I've had this before and you don't really realise what's happened until it's too late

The pictures of her crying is incredibly emotionally manipulative.

If you do decide to ends things, be prepared that she's likely to try the same or similar tactics to guilt trip you. Remember, as harsh as it sounds, she's not your responsibility. The relationship is not healthy for either of you. She's not ready to be in a relationship and needs time to work on herself. Ending things would actually be the best thing for both of you. I know it's easier said than done, but don't let her make you feel bad.

Oh for pity's sake, this is completely unacceptable. She's manipulative and using guilt on you. It might well be because she has her own issues, but that doesn't make it okay.

And it will only get worse. exBIL sent SIL streams of this sort of message when they broke up - pictures and messages about how he was crying while telling their DC that she doesn't love him any more.... Twat.

Everything she is doing 'for' you, is actually something she is doing for herself, her own needs and wants. She's being very selfish, however she sees it.

Absolutely this.

"She regularly send me pictures of her crying herself to sleep!"

She's not well, has no emotional regulation and she's trying too hard in this relationship to make you "fix" her and make her happy. I'd break up in a neutral space and be very wary afterwards. Don't offer to "just be friends" as that'll give her hope that if she pleases you enough you'll rekindle the relationship.

So you tried to leave/ call ot off and she emotionally railroaded you to stay.
Please take a look at the below @Dancehalldarling

This is just way too much. And she seems to have an answer for everything. It sounds like you would have so much more time for yourself and your kids - and wider friends/family - if you stopped this suffocating relationship.

YNBU. ‘Love’ is about listening and respect. I love when my DH offers to help or asks if I need it, and love when he respects me when I tell him I’m fine. I also love it when he listens when I ask for help and gives me the actual help I’ve asked for and not the help he thinks I need.

For balance, though, he also pisses me off from time to time when he doesn’t notice I’m about to collapse under the weight of the shopping, am on my knees from decorating, or when he decides to tidy things away that I did not ask him to - and I then cannot bloody find them 5mins later!! Usually it’s an empty wine glass that I was heading over to the fridge to get a bottle and refill…

So, no, your GF is simply not listening - either in the moment or to your requests to back off and respect you. She isn’t hearing, seeing, or valuing you as she should be. She is feeding a model of herself as a caring, thoughtful and loving person… it’s a form of narcissism.

I don't think you are OP. And that's fine. Don't try to force something because you feel bad / feel like you need to do the right thing...

Such as when I’ve tried to break it off in the past (due to DC and not being ready to move on with someone new) she’s sent me streams of pictures of her absolutely crying her eyes out, and they frighten me because she looks unwell.
Surprised she didn't say she would kill herself unless you come back. She deliberately sent those pictures because she knew you had no boundaries left.

You are in an abusive relationship. Get out while you can. You cannot fix her, or make it better.

Be proud of yourself OP that you're taking the comments in, and are able to look at things through a new framework. That can be difficult to do, especially when you do love the person. I strongly believe that you need to get out of this relationship.

People aren't morally black and white 99% of the time. She very well might be doing these things unintentionally/subconsciously, due to malformed coping mechanisms and so on. Or it could be a mix - some things are done intentionally to keep you tangled in, while others are done compulsively because it's how she's used to coping. Regardless, the impact on you is and will be major, and hugely damaging.

Isn't the point of a 'love language' that it benefits the recipient, not that it's done to make the giver feel good?

She would drive me screaming up the wall! I couldn't bear it

Such as when I’ve tried to break it off in the past (due to DC and not being ready to move on with someone new) she’s sent me streams of pictures of her absolutely crying her eyes out, and they frighten me because she looks unwell. She regularly sends me pictures crying herself to sleep.

What the fuck?!

No, just no. End it now.

Also, the pawing, when you've specifically told her you don't like it, is heading into sexual harassment, or even sexual assault, territory. You have the right to bodily autonomy no matter how much she might like to touch you.

I wouldn't have gone into relationship with a man like that, that's suffocating and controlling bordering on co-dependency.
Even reading your OP triggers me.

@Dancehalldarling There may be all sorts of reasons why she is behaving this way, but it doesn't sound like something that can be fixed because a) she is far too 'needy, OR b) she has a controlling and abusive nature and she is love-bombing you while pretending that she is just concerned for you or c) a mixture of things

In any event your posts are sending up a number of 🚩🚩🚩

On here, people giving you advice/comments are almost universally kindly and being supportive - but if your partner was a man, replies would be screaming that he's awful and you need to LTB ( or similar) and why on earth are you staying with him etc. etc.

We don't like to acknowledge it to ourselves, but there are plenty of women who behave just as badly as any man, have narcissistic traits and are every bit as controlling as their male counterparts. I suspect you are feeling the 'ick' because subconsciously you are aware that her behaviour is not normal? Maybe?

You have told her you have 'boundaries' and she ignores them. If you are sure that you have been very clear about what those boundaries are, I would reply that you can't cope with the smothering, end the relationship and then block her. Sure she will cry and try to emotionally blackmail you. Don't let her!! 14 messages since you started your post 😳is ridiculous

EDITED because I pressed submit too soon

Yes, she is controlling. Red flags: not liking your friends, stopping you from seeing them, sulking, not listening to you.

I'd dump her.